I came out to my friend on Friday with mixed results. Next one is my ex. This is the fourth or fifth time he has flat out refused me a face to face meeting and told me if I needed to talk to him without the kids around that was what email is for. I don't want to email him this. I don't actually like doing important discussions by email. It's just this stomach twisting, chest tensing sensation until the person responds, which could take days, and I'm so nervous about it I can't think of anything else. In person, I at least get an immediate response and if I said something incorrectly I can immediately do something about it. And I'm sad. Sad that I was married to this man for 18 years, that we are still legally married, that we have children together, and that it's got to where he can take time out of his schedule for all sorts of various activities but can't meet me for lunch for a damn hour/ hour and a half. It's not just this we need to talk about. We need to go over some of the things with our divorce, the cars, etc. We filed jointly, which means we do all the work. We don't just have lawyers who are getting paid to meet. And even though I'm the one who has discovered I'm bisexual, the idea that he doesn't want to reconcile hurts so much every time it's brought home to me. I'm thinking if I want to do it this century I am going to have to come out to him in a letter. Has anyone done that? How has it gone? A letter does have some advantages: I can edit it, I write better then I talk, I can include info that it's hard to in a conversation; but the idea of waiting around for the response outweighs all the positive for me. But I want to be able to start moving on.
I understand why you don't want to write a letter. Waiting for a response that may never some sounds like agony. Ive decided not to write to my wife because she's a keepsake kind of person. I don't want her to pull out letters 10 years from now and relive our situation now. And we are getting along very well! What do you need from him to move on? Will just getting it off your chest be enough? Do you need to hear his response or just need him to know? I'd be tempted to drop it into conversation like "Timmy got an A on his spelling test, Mary needs her vitamin before bed, I'm bisexual, and we need to talk about how to divide a few of our possessions." Put the ball in his court. There is nothing you can do to make him behave in a civil way. Do what's best for you and the kids, and don't let him string you along. I know this sounds kinda flippant. I've never been in your shoes, but I can understand why you're frustrated. I hope you can move forward, with or without him!
Sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you're in a tough place. I'm also a married bisexual and my wife doesn't know but for now things are good. I'm just telling you that for context but anyway - back to you! I think this kind of just raises one question for me? Why do you want to come out to your ex? If the relationship is over, then it's over. I don't really see what coming out to him will achieve? I mean of course I understand the relief of coming out etc. I've told two of my close friends and it's so liberating. I just worry if you told your partner will he use it against you? Will he then say the divorce is all your fault? Will he say you hadn't been honest and open all along? Will it fuel his anger? Will he then tell your kids? I don't know your situation but I think if I were you I'd just get through the divorce and come out to those who are going to support you. And I'd want to come out to my kids myself - not have it coming out in a negative atmosphere. I don't know how old your kids are? It's not easy being bisexual, and it's incredibly tough trying to explain it to anyone. That's my experience anyway. It's difficult to try explain it to gay or straight people even when they're open and accepting. Your ex doesn't sound like he's either at the moment? And the email sounds like he wants things his way and to deal with this from a distance. I don't know what to suggest. You're still able to see your kids I hope?
I guess I want to come out to him so I don't feel like I'm cheating. Although the evidence is overwhelming that he has no desire to continue the relationship; in fact, if I were looking for hope I would be despairing by now, I still feel like until we officially agree "this is over" that I would be cheating if I started moving on. And I'd like to start moving on. Also, he's been my best friend for all the years we've been together except the last. It feels so weird to not be sharing this with him, getting his input, discussing it. Not that we could have discussed it; if there was one subject that was always kind of a closed door it was sex. Tried a couple of times before this mess to discuss my same sex attractions with him and even approaching the issue made him so uncomfortable I backed off. Right now I see my kids for a few hours each day on the weekend. It's not really practical for me to see them during the school week because by the time they get home it's homework, dinner and bedtime. I'm getting a bigger place and then hopefully I can start having a few of the kids over at a time for overnight visits and such. I hate things the way they are, where I have so little time with them, but really don't see a way to make them different. I would never have thought he would use this against me. But he's changed. I can't say that he would or would not do anything anymore. He's always said he wants me to see the kids pretty much no matter what, but he's said a lot of things he's not keeping too. We live in a very liberal community and I can't see any court ruling based on my sexuality, but there is my mental illness in the picture. But I'm not asking for shared custody right now. I simply don't have the space or the transportation. My children range in age from 5-almost 16. We have raised them very conservative Catholic; that is to say we have raised them to believe homosexuality is wrong. Both my ex-husband and I have stopped practicing our faith but we're going in totally different directions. So I have absolutely no clue how they're going to take it. I don't think my oldest boy and a couple of my middle children will take it well because they're the most devoted to our faith...I don't know about the others. The youngest are still young enough to where we haven't discussed this kind of issue with them. So there's hope there.
You poor thing. Sounds like you're having a really rough time. You must be so stressed with all of this. I was also raised Catholic, I live in Ireland which although getting far more liberal now was when very conservative when I was growing up. A big part of why I no longer practice as a Catholic has to do with the churches stance on homosexuality. Jesus never taught anything but love, compassion and understanding. I never saw any evidence of him speaking out about homosexuality. You don't want to try and take your kids faith away either though. It's a tricky one. For the most part I think the Catholic Church gives good values etc. I think the current pope spoke out in quite a liberal way about homosexuality though so maybe have a look into that so if the topic comes up you can gently try to show how the church is becoming more open. As for your husband. I suppose you do have to both reach that point where you both acknowledge that there's no going back and things are just over. I would like more than anything to come out to my wife but I'm terrified she'd react badly and I could lose her and the kids. She has no issue with homosexuality. It would be the fact I'd kept it secret for so long and not been open with her that would be the issue. I don't think she'd ever trust me again. In your position though if the relationship is over then at least you don't have to worry about that. In time maybe you could even be friends again. I think for now your main focus has to remain on the kids. You sound like you're really trying your best to get things sorted out and start creating a new future for yourself. You're so brave and you should be proud of yourself. Try and keep positive and keep looking forward. There's no rush to come out to your husband. In a way it might be better to let things heal a bit first. He's probably struggling in his own way too.
No, I don't want to damage my children's faith. I gave it to them, I told them it was true, I told them no matter what anyone said they knew the truth. I am just not up to faking it anymore. Our family (and I am one) respects the office but does not like the man. If he wants to start his own religion, go start one. If he wants to be Catholic, be Catholic. But that's just my opinion. I guess I could split up the conversation about our relationship and the conversation about my sexuality. If we had the relationship one I wouldn't feel like I was cheating, if we both sat down, looked each other in the eye and said "It's over". It might even make him feel better, because I have expressed that with some criteria (like counseling) I really want to work on our marriage. I think living with my bipolar disorder just finally got to be too much. I understand, hell, it's too much for me to live with, you know? But then he would feel like he was spearheading the decision, which might help things when we get to the sexuality portion. I really hope we can be friends again. I miss him almost more as a friend then as a husband. That aspect of things has changed a lot, though, the last couple of years. Life just got to be too much.
