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family therapy (how to explain I'm transgender)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Amdukias, May 27, 2017.

  1. Amdukias

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    Location:
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    Okay, so I’m going to go to family therapy with my parents on 30th May.
    They know that I’m transgender since about march (if you don’t count my other Coming Outs back in 2014 and 2016).
    Basically, they struggle with accepting me being a boy*for different reasons:
    1. I didn’t know I’m trans when I was a little child.
    2. I didn’t behave especially masculine because I enjoyed wearing princess dresses and stuff like that.
    3. I don’t like dressing up or behaving like a stereotypical guy.
    […]
    So we’ll sit there and they will get told that they have to accept this weird androgyne something next to them as their son.

    What I wanna know: Do you guys have any ideas, how I can explain me being transgender to them and make it easier for them to accept me?
    [ I won’t change anything of my physical appereance. I’ll get an a little more masculine haircut tomorrow but I’ll keep on dying my hair and wearing gothic-men-skirts in the summer. ]
    Two things I’m planning to do are:
    1. Telling them it’s not their fault and it’s basically just a thing that happens from time to time.
    2. Explaining how I started to recognize that I’m trans and why I kept it for myself for all this year (I was sure that I’m trans back when I was about 15 but I already recognized some ‘symptoms’ by the age of about 7-9).

    But there will also be some questions/comments they already asked me when I came out to them this spring that I couldn’t answer and still can’t:
    1. What does ‘feeling like a boy’ even mean? How do you feel a gender (as feminine boy)?
    2. Why don’t you just keep it to yourself, since noone will ever accept you?
    3. You’re ( = me, the bug boy) not allowed to take meds or have an op like that!
    4. You have to learn to separate your emotions from reality.
    This together may sounds pretty rude, but my parents never informed themself about transgenders. When I came out as bisexual (don’t judge me I didn’t know asexuality exists back then) they where pretty supportive and my mother told me that she’d accept me as lesbian daughter but not as transboy. Fact is she’d be some kind of proud if I’d be a butch-lesbian.
    Anyways. My mother is afraid of the*unknown and she doesn’t want me to turn into some kind of goblin. My father tends to avoid emotional things, doesn’t do any research and thinks enough argumentation would solve my problem. But no matter what, they ‘have to accept it’. To make this clear: I don’t want to break up with my family. I’m just 18 years old, still in school, don’t have any income and so on. So I have to get myself together and do my best to help them accepting me and may also support me.

    Because a second big goal for this year is coming out to everyone. This includes my whole family and school. My school isn’t that tolerant, as I already know since a teacher told me that they won’t accept me if I would refuse to cut my hair and go to the gym. But my friends and me will fight that and with my parents help everything is going to be alright. Same with my family. I won’*t tell one of my grandmothers who is on the one hand homophobic and on the other suffering from cancer, but appart from that everyone will know.*So yeah, this will be a difficult year but it hopefully will also make everything better.
    If I just get myself together during that fucking family therapy.
    So, anyone got any tipps for me?
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    Hey, I was in the same situation. More or less, anyway. My parents asked similar questions. Here's how I answered them.

    1. I threw this one back at them. How do they know they're male or female? Mine said, "Because I have a penis/vagina," and then I said, "And if one day you woke up with a vagina/penis instead? Would you feel like a female/male?" They always changed the subject after this, so I assume they never had a better answer. You could also point out that the concept of penis = male, vagina = female was made up by people. Like everything else.

    2. This is a shitty thing to say to a kid, but that's aside the point. My parents' question was more "Why can't you just stay how you are and just let others think what they want to think?" My answer: "Because it's annoying and it causes me physical discomfort." I'm assuming you have body dysphoria as well. This is just another reason why you can't "keep it to yourself." It's not only a mental thing.

    3. If you're financially dependent on your family, there's little you can do to change their mind. Once you're on your own, though, they can fuck off. They may be your relatives, but your life isn't their life. Weigh what's more important to you and do what you want.

    4. This issue stems from a misunderstanding of what being transgender really is. They think it's a delusion. The best way I have ever found to describe myself is "I was born male, but with a vagina." There are cisgender women out there who have XY chromosomes, cisgender men whose genitals aren't your conventional penis. Sex isn't tied to just chromosomes and genitals, and gender isn't tied to just sex. There are many things that factor into it. And so, being born with a vagina and thinking you're a man isn't necessarily a delusion. It means you're a man.

    Closemindedness has to come from somewhere, whether it's out of care or out of pride or anything else. Let's say they're just worried about your wellbeing, then. Obviously, having a transgender child is no joke. You are doing the right thing by reassuring them it's not a result of poor parenting. But it won't make them understand. So I propose something. Make your goal not to have them understand, but have them support you. They won't understand because they are not transgender. That is fine. In the end, if you convince them that this is important to your happiness and wellbeing, then they should support you.

    I'm glad you're trying to take this step. It's a big one, but a vital one. Good luck.
     
  3. Amdukias

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    Hey! Thanks a lot for your fast reply :slight_smile:

    This was one Thing I thought about but was unsure if twas the right Thing to do cause I'm pretty sure they'll repeat with "that's not the same" but... it's exactly the same so Ill try this one :slight_smile:

    That's exactly the thing. So I'll also point out my body dysphoria and the effects that it has on my everyday-life. May this will help them to get that it's not just some part-time-thing but something that's always around no matter if someone calls me with male/female pronouns or what I wear etc.

    Lucky me lives in Germany so I'm able to get lots of help if I wanna start my transition. But appart from that I'm more or less dependend. I'm pretty sure they won't throw me out (and if so, I got friends who already told me that I could stay with them) but they definitely won't buy trans*-related Things for me either, so just as you said: I have to Keep calm and wait till I have a job etc. Also I'm Aware that this is my life and I won't let them stop me from getting T and so on, but I also want to tell them so they can't say something like "but we would have ben there for you but now you betrayed us" afterwards.

    Pointing out the existence of intersexuality will may also help... like it would show that there never where just two genders. Also I may should explain the "not an delusion"-thing.

    I think their behavior is some kind of related with the way they reacted a few years ago when I was stuck in my depression. They cared and worried about me but reacted with telling themselves and also me that it wouldn't be that bad and that it was just some minor thing I was going through at the monent. They where unable to deal with my behavior and my way of seeing myself/my life/the world. Now they're worried that me being trans* is another thing like that. I have to remind them that being transgender doesn't mean being mentally ill and that there's no reason to fight against it. Support instead of understanding is a good point also. I'll try to work something out that's based on your last sentence about "supporting me for my own happiness".


    Thanks a lot again :grin:
     
  4. Nychthemeron

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    You have the right idea.

    This is unrelated, but I understand it can be hard to remember everything when you're under pressure. If you are one of those people, it may also help to keep a piece of paper for what you want to say.

    I hope things go well for you. Keep us updated.
     
  5. Amdukias

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    Since my therapist got I'll I have to wait about one month more...

    But thanks a lot anyways :grin: I'll keep this thread actual since I may talk to my family without my therapist because I just don't know if it's a good idea to do nothing all the time.

    Also I have more time to write down notes :grin: