Okay, so I used to just go out with guys and hook up on the first date from about the ages of 18 to 25. Got tired of it, because straight sex wasn't happening for me. Have stopped sleeping with them on the first date for six years(albeit I sleep with women in between that time instead on first dates) But three years ago, I started going out with guys again in the hopes of starting a family. But, everytime, first of all, I feel really depressed when I'm out with them and like I can't string sentences together, 'cause I'm mostly just uninterested in making conversation. I'm thinking I would like to try things like pegging on them, but don't feel a connection like a man and woman would normally have. Then, they start making moves right away and I push them away. Why would I push them away if I do kind of want sex? See, I was touched inappropriately by my child's Dad's best friend once, and then these guys are making the moves right away on first dates(twice now) and I act like it's okay, and that it's just me that's messed up and doesn't want sex, but it's not. So am I pushing them away, because of being sexually harassed three times? Or is that part of being bigender, that you don't feel like a straight woman around a straight man, so you push them away when they treat you like one? In order to do what you want to do with a guy as a bigender person, you're the one that has to be in control or what? Or is that the harassment talking?
And I've cried a couple times, too. So maybe this isn't the sexual harassment or being bigender, but the autism I think I have?
This is obviously a very complicated issue for you, and to be honest, it is quite challenging to read and understand your posts. I would suggest you look for a trained therapist who would be able to better assist you with your concerns. Sorry I don't have better advice.
And a therapist is going to understand it so much better, 'cause there's so many bigender therapists out there, especially where I live, haha! But, on the bright side, by going to therapy, I can acquire records to use against me in court again, so I can't move forward with my life ever. Sorry, for being sarcastic. But all I'm trying to find out is, whether there are other bigender people out there that have tried to date straight men to start a family and felt like they couldn't go through with anything but just being friends. Or whether there are other autistic people out there that cry on dates. If there are, then, that's the reason for these things. If not, then, it's something else, like the sexual harrassment or my experience with having my last child taken.
You said you're autosexual... Are you attracted to men too or is that your whole orientation? You might not be just attracted to men. Oh, by the way, I might not be bigender, but I'm very frustrated with the way men can treat women and it can get in the way of my relationships with men. So I believe your problem could be the harassment.I can't give you any answers about what it could be, but if it's an unresolved issue, you should start by working out on it before going into dates. A therapist can help. (I know you said that it wouldn't work)
I say autosexual, because I've never gotten off with another person during sex but do alone. I don't only like men, no. I feel like part of me is a lesbian and part of me is a bisexual man, hence the bigender label. So the bisexual man side is the only side that likes males that way, but since I'm in a female body and want a family, even though I have started coming out as bigender, they still treat me as though I were a straight woman. But now it bothers me, after the harassment and getting pregnant unexpectedly and having my child taken, when before it was no big thing to have sex with a man as a woman. I mean, I never felt totally comfortable but still did it. So it could be the harassment, yeah. Or it could be that the only men that want families are straight men, not bisexual men, so they expect a straight woman, of which I'm not. I've told myself I'd even try faking it to get my family, but then the not even being able to get to that point anymore interferes.
