I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I was wondering if anyone feels the same or can understand how I feel. So I'm a bi woman and in general, I have no clear gender preference when it comes to attraction. But I'm, right now, just really turned off by heteronormativity (I mean, who isn't? :lol. It makes me not want to date men. It's hard to describe but even though I experience attraction to men (both sexual and romantic) I would much rather have a girlfriend than a boyfriend. It just seems like male/female couples fall into expected gender roles so easily. Like the other day a couple was sitting in the seats in front of me on the bus and the girl put her head on the guy's shoulder. Perfectly normal but I thought, you know, there's no way he would put his head on her shoulder and if I was in a relationship I'd want the option to do both. Sometimes I want to put my head on someone's shoulder but I also like the idea of my partner relaxing and resting their head on my shoulder. You know, it's the big spoon/little spoon thing - sometimes I wanna be the little spoon, sometimes I'd rather be the big spoon. Maybe it's all in my head. Just whenever I hear a girl say "my boyfriend" a voice in my head goes "ugh". It's strange because my not wanting to date men doesn't come from not being attracted to them. It's more that I don't want to date men in this system I guess. I mean I know there are role expectations in female/female or male/male relationships too, especially in butch/femme relationships but still... Does anyone understand what I mean? Am I being too critical? Am I limiting my options unnecessarily?
I understand what you mean, I've considered it before. But then I realised I was only doing it because (not all though) lesbians are angry at me if I limit the amount of women they can date by dating a man. But I've seen lesbians not wanting to date bisexuals, so they were limiting it themselves anyway. So I decided I would only date other bisexuals, so at least to myself I can call it a "bisexual relationship". And they wouldn't use me being bisexual against me since they would so too. I like feminine guys so I don't think the gender roles would be as clear cut. Besides, I like paying on first dates (at least the first date I ever go on, then after that whoever asks who out). So if I ask him out and he has a problem with me paying, that's my sign to leave. I mean, unless you have coupons (which I'm pretty sure people don't do on early dates anyway), what problem do you have with someone else paying and you getting a free meal [?]. I'm 4 ft 10 [147.5 cm] so probably all of my dates are going to be taller than me, but I can still imagine a guy resting is shoulders on me or me being the ''big spoon'', same with women.
I don't like gender stereotypes. I firmly believe that any relationship should be a partnership, a meeting of the minds, give and take. I think of it a complimentary characteristics. I don't see gender playing a part in it. Granted each person will have a gender however we are all so much more than our gender and sexuality. I'm sure there are guys out there that would put their head on their girlfriends shoulder. It's such a shame that we still live in a world that perpetuates antiquated stereotypes.
@Secrets5 I totally get your reasoning but I don't think dating only other bi/pan people would work for me. That would just seriously limit my options I think. I've only ever been on one date with one lesbian and I don't know if she knew I'm bi so I've never experienced anyone rejecting me because I'm bi. The only other girl I dated for a bit longer was bi too so no problem there. I like "feminine" guys too, and I agree, if a guy had a problem with me paying for a date I would not go out with him again! @NerdByNature I agree! I'm friends with a straight couple and their relationship is awesome, they're real partners, and I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with them not limiting themselves to gender stereotypes. He's definitely the type who would put his head on her shoulder so there are guys like that out there, I just feel like there aren't that many. I might be totally wrong about that. Maybe I just don't want to be disappointed or something. For example, I wouldn't want to date a guy who isn't comfortable saying that he's a feminist and I don't want to be weird and ask that on a first date. It all just confuses me at the moment because when I think about dating a guy who's not too worried about his masculinity and all that then yes, I would totally date a guy. In theory. (In reality I probably shouldn't worry too much anyway 'cause no one's asking me out and I'm not interested enough in anyone to ask them out).
I'm exactly like you and I totally get what you mean. I've been wondering if that's not a result of bad experiences with men I got in the past instead of just hating heteronormativity though... It even made me question if I should come out as bi or lesbian since I'm not dating men. Well, maybe you should look for bi men and see if they're more flexible with this gender roles thing. I'm considering it or just not dating men at all.
About the feminist thing- I think any guy who actually is a feminist would not mind you asking and would probably understand why you did
@Nightdream I'm glad I'm not the only one! I actually meant to say something about bi men in the previous post but forgot so I'm glad you mentioned it. What you said is exactly what I was thinking - maybe I should just date bi guys. The biggest crush I've ever had on a guy was on a bi guy. At the time I didn't realise that his being bi was a part of it but looking back it definitely played a role. Not because, as one friend helpfully suggested "you just want a threesome with him and another guy", but because I sensed a difference between him and straight guys. At the time I thought I was straight so I couldn't articulate it but now it's super obvious to me that I would strongly prefer dating a bi man over dating a straight man. @Najlen Good point! I'll definitely keep that in mind in case I ever go on a first date with a guy. Maybe I will ask or try to bring it up casually.
You are not too critical in my eyes :lol: In daycare whe have to line up in boy and girl waiting line for meal time and me: :bang: WHY? I often try to go in the girls line (and succeeded sometime) just for annoying the :***: staffs because they would always tell me only to play whit toys that are "for boys". In late elementary school (6-9 grade) i didn't date anyone because EVERYONE i knew from school and after-school youthcenter had stupid relationship problems. Girls because they think they can change boys like in the romantic movies they know/watch and complaining why there boyfriend rather spend time with friends. Guys because (mostly) they only have a girlfriend to be able to say it and hopefully loose there virginity/have sex whit. There where of course other problems but those where always the biggest. Even if someone would tell you that you are limiting you options, would you really start/be in a relationship where you can't be youself or not be respected when you are unlady-like (lake of better word)?
Thanks for saying I'm not too critical! You're right, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I can't be myself. And I think I'm changing my perspective a little bit. I didn't want to date guys because I don't like heteronormative assumptions and all that but if the guy wasn't like that it would be fine. I helped a male friend of mine buy some clothes the other day and then we went and got some nail polish for me and some old guy who was there with his wife talked to my friend and, of course, assumed that we were a couple. Stuff like that annoys me, but at the same time, I didn't mind it that much because I was having a great time with my friend and felt like if I had a boyfriend I'd probably want to do this sort of stuff with him. So yeah, I guess I'm not going to turn by back on guys just because they're guys.
