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First step taken, now what...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by RollerWolf, May 17, 2017.

  1. RollerWolf

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    Hey y'all, I'm 29 and married to a man, and also a lesbian. About half a week ago I managed to muster up the courage and talk to him about it. He took it pretty well and was generally supportive. But his overall response was that if I could manage to have sex with him occasionally we could still make the marriage work. But, for the last couple of years, most of the times we have had sex, it has been because I felt obligated to. Not pressured by him, but more 'well, we're married and he wants to have sex, and we didn't the last 2 times he wanted to, so I guess I have to now *lies back and thinks of lesbian porn*'. (Somehow that last bit was less of a clue than it should have been lol.) I don't think I can manage a whole life of that sort of sex life. But I am also terrified of what happens next, because change is scary.

    I should also note that we do have an open relationship, so I do have the option of having casual relationships outside of this marriage. But I think what I actually want is more along the lines of a monogamous relationship with a woman, which is obviously not possible under my current circumstances. But I feel really guilty for wanting that. Partly because it's pretty much the one relationship dynamic that can't happen with the current parameters. And also because I feel I should be able to somehow make everything work with what I currently have.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    You deserve to have the life and relationship that you want.

    You shouldn't have sex with your husband solely because he's your husband. If you no longer want to have sex with him you shouldn't.

    From the sounds of it your marriage is on the outs. You shouldn't feel guilty and you shouldn't try to make things work out of a sense of duty if that's not what you truly want.
     
  3. zumbaqueen

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    I too am in that relationship where I am having sex with my husband out of obligation not because there is any pleasure in it for me. It's a difficult road to go down. The feeling is you made a commitment to someone and it is not their fault that you finally have accepted who you have been all along. Once you begin to get over the guilt then you can start making the decisions that make you happy and authentic. At least that is what I keep telling myself, I'm working on the guilt phase myself right now.
     
  4. PineappleKick

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    Wow, I'm the same age as you and I've just been in the exact same position as you, so much so that I had to register just now cos I wanted to reply to you. I could have written what you just wrote a month or two ago.

    Like others have said, you deserve to have the life and love and relationships and sex that you want.
    I've since broken up with my husband and it makes me so sad to realise how much time I've spent not being happy or being authentic to myself, how much time I've spent not having good sex, having sex just cos I feel obligated. I realised that I was just scared of taking the steps to leave cos I was scared of change and it was easier to stay. We had an open relationship for a bit and that really made me realise how unhappy I was with him and really opened in me the yearning to have a relationship with a woman.

    We've broken up and it's still very early days but it wasn't as scary as I thought, in fact it's completely liberating and freeing, and like a big weight has lifted, and I feel so excited to be able to pursue the life I want for myself.

    So I just wanted to say I understand what you're going through and wanted to wish you the courage you need to get you to the life you want, whatever that may be. (*hug*)
     
  5. RollerWolf

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    Thank you all for your replies.
    PineappleKick - thank you so much for making an account to reply! I'm sorry you're going through a similar thing but it is encouraging to hear from someone a bit farther along.
    Zumbaqueen - sorry you're in the guilt phase of things too. It's rough. :frowning2:

    Just this morning my husband and I had a pretty intense conversation about relationships and divorce and such. So I'm pretty upset right now. But I guess this is better than living in a weird limbo where I feel like I have to hide how I'm feeling. Or so I'm telling myself for now.