How come some gays and lesbians claim they have in the past, and sometimes currently can, feel arousal to the opposite sex but they still considered themselves gay and everyone is okay with them claiming that? But when a straight guy or girl claims they feel arousal to the same sex, everyone calls them either gay or bi, and if they say otherwise, then everyone says the're in denial? I can't be the only one to see the hypocrisy?
I think sexual orientation is complex. It is not as black and white. Just because you get arousal from someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean you have an emotional attraction. As an example: there are guys that may have sex with a guy, but identify as straight because they would never want to be in a relationship with a guy. Bottom line is this, labels are just that, labels. There is so much pressure to conform to societal expectations of what being a certain way is. I think we all need to strive to accept people for the way they are, without judgement.
I actually notice this mostly from straight guys. Even straight girls can be aroused by women, and even sleep with them while still being called straight. I don't like it either, so I agree with you. For every "that guy can't sleep with other guys and call himself straight" comment I see, I ALSO see "I love sleeping with women- but I'm still gay!" Utter bullshit. You can't have it both ways.
The issue lies in how society views lesbian, bisexual, and gay people. We are conditioned by birth to believe we are heterosexual. Society strongly supports that idea through the images, advertising messages, religion, and many other things. So many people who are LGBT grow up believing they are straight becuase that's the overwhelming message they see. For many they are told that being LGBT is bad, wrong, disgusting, etc., so they are further programmed that this is "bad", which has a powerful effect on the conscious and unconscious mind. So for that reason, many LGBT people completely suppress, even to themselves, their same-sex attraction. At some point it surfaces, but depending on their environment, upbringing, and other factors, they may be blissfully unaware for a long period of time, sometimes reaching into 30s, 40s and beyond. That's why it is common for someone who is gay to seem to have heterosexual attraction: because it is conditioned. But eventually the same-sex urgings emerge. And that is why when someone expresses some level of attraction for the same sex, it is often the beginning of a stronger emergence rather than a fleeting or one-time thing. The opposite situation almost never happens, simply because of the powerful social conditioning we receive. And that's why you almost never see someone gay feeling attraction to a same-sex partner and being labeled as a closet straight... because they have almost certainly already worked through their orientation issues if they've identiified as gay. Now... all of that said, there is certainly a spectrum and most people, gay or straight, are somewhere on it. Kinsey said that only about 10% of the population is totally at the far end of the spectrum and everyone else is somewhere on the continuum. I hope that gives a clearer picture of why it isn't so much hypocrisy as an emerging awareness that creates the perception you're seeing.
Thanks Creativemind, glad i'm not the only one on this site to call bullshit on this issue. Chip what you said was interesting, but even if some gay guy grows up thinking he's straight due to societal pressure to conform, how does that lead to him being aroused by girls and not guys? How does the mind conceal something so primal as sexual desire? Wouldn't they notice early on their urges? Is this a well documented phenomena?
I can only speak to my experience, so I'll relate that, and you can take it for what it's worth. I knew I was gay around the time of puberty, but as Chip's excellent post points out, I fell into the "this isn't the way it's supposed to be" trap and had no one in my life to suggest that being gay was ok for me. I was pressured by family, friends and society to do what was expected of me, so I dated girls, and eventually married one. Ok, so your question of how could I feel arousal to women knowing I was gay? First, I will say that "knowing" I was gay and "accepting" the fact are two different things. I rationalized it, compartmentalized it, and justified my feelings. I convinced myself that I wasn't really gay because I didn't want to be. I rationalized my feelings as some sort of gay fetish or fantasy, but not reality. As for the physical parts - I know some gay men are physically incapable of having sex with a woman. I didn't have that problem. I was able to fake the intimacy, and hey, sex is sex. When you're young and horny, it doesn't take much to achieve an erection. Sure, I didn't get erections from just looking at a naked woman, but with some manual stimulation from her or me, it got hard easily enough. Vaginal sex feels good, and I did enjoy it. That's probably the part that made this all the more believable to me - see, I'm not really gay, look at how I can successfully have sex with my girlfriend/wife. It was only as the years passed that I was less and less able to achieve and maintain an erection with my wife that the awful truth really began sinking in. I was gay after all, and I had just been fooling myself, and her. Each of us have our own unique experiences. Some people will likely identify with what I have written here, others not so much. But it was my experience. It is a myth that a gay man cannot have sex with a woman. I am gay. I'm not bisexual. Not even a little bit. I know now with total certainty that I'm completely gay. And yet I successfully fathered two children with my wife. So throw the myths out the window because sexuality is a complex thing. Take care. ride:
I just wanted to add to my point above. When I sited the example above, I am not saying I understand it, but the reality is that that is how some people identify. Why should it matter to the rest of us how someone chooses to define their sexuality. Why be judgemental about something as personal as sexuality? There are still lots people that judge us in the LGBT community because they don't understand it. We can accept people for who they are without judgement, even if we don't understand it.
I'm gay, by that logic, I can say "I love cock, cock is delicious, but I'm not gay, no way, I'm as straight as an arrow", Would you take what I said as a validity? Do you honestly think it works both ways like that? ---------- Post added 17th May 2017 at 10:19 AM ---------- Canadianrunner, it does matter because it goes against their own claims, not to mention it muddles their appearance and how they present themselves to non lgbt people and lgbt people alike.
Your point would be more valid in my example if I had said that I was gay while having sex with a woman. I was talking about the distinction of identifying as straight and having sex with a woman while in fact I was gay the whole time. To your specific point: A person who is having sex with a person of their same gender is by definition not straight. Likewise, a person who is having sex with a person of the opposite gender is by definition not gay. Bisexuals get a pass in this scenario. How one identifies may different than their behavior. Is their identity valid if it is incongruent with their behavior? Not in my opinion.
