Need advice from bisexual women

Ok, here's my story. Short version-LOL. I'm a single 57 male that has been celibate for many years and was very happy. About three years ago I met a lady around and due to shared interests, we became friends. At the time I was pretty sure she was involved with another woman and really didn't think anything of it - was NOT looking for a relationship, or ANYTHING. Just enjoyed her company with shared interests. Never asked her anything about orientation, as it was none of my business and didn't matter to me. Was always very careful to also include her friend on any invites (who also I like and consider a friend) to insure openness. Sometime her friend joined us. Sometimes not. Sometimes she invited me.

For a year we got together occasionally. The next year we got together more frequently and got to know each other more. Even took overnight trips where stayed together. I found we had a LOT in common, spooky in common. I learned she was the victim of a violent sexual assault. Very easy to talk to you, and without the specter of boy/girl stuff we could be very honest and open with each other. Mind you, at this point I'm figuring she is lesbian and I respect boundaries. Although I do have honest affection for her.

For the next 8-9 months we spend time together regularly I begin to have vague romantic feelings, but it is easy to quickly dismiss them. We get along like peas and carrots. The feeling seems mutual but never even the slightest hint of interest, which I attribute to being gay.

Then she calls me one night and is very upset about her friend. For all outward appearances, it appears to be a lovers spat. I ask her outright, are you and her involved? She vehemently denies it, and says why would I think that? I apologize, make my case on why I've always thought so, insure her it makes no difference to how I feel about her or our friendship. She says she understands, but "no". Ok, I give her advice on how to patch up the friendship and whatever insights I have.

Immediately afterwards - I mean like the next day - our interaction ramps up. Within a week or two, we are chatting/texting almost every day. I tell her how much I enjoy her company, and conversations turn more personal. I feel like she might be attracted to me also, but something seems off - because she stops short here and there. It's puzzling, but not worrisome. I wonder if her trauma has made her untrusting of men I'm just going well the flow though, enjoying our time together. But my friends know something up - point out changes in my mood, notice our interaction. I respond, that's silly - we've never even kissed, just platonic hugs.

This goes on for three months. Then at the beginning of the year, we start a project together and are spending nearly every weekend together. Talking or texting every day.
I slowly get it through my head that I have developed real feelings for her. Even my doctor notices it. So one evening, after beer and burgers concluding a day in the field, I confess to her "You know, I don't want to ruin a friendship, but the other night I had a strong urge to get be you a kiss after we hugged goodbye." She responded, probably not a good idea and bounded away so fast I was literally still processing the words as her truck left dust on my boots.

I figured, well - now I know - I started the long drive home. Halfway home, I get a call about meetings up the next day. I agree, and we continue on without either of us mentioning what happened.

Two months later, we are still along like peas and carrots, but I'm showing more affection. Send her flowers on VDay, etc. I have always given her gifts over the years, sometimes very expensive gifts, and she has never had any issue accepting - although I always ask if it makes her uncomfortable. She has, over the past year, included me in her family get togethers, holidays, etc.

Sounds good, and I'm a happy camper - right? Well, two weeks ago while our spending a weekend at the ranch, we are having a bad day. Everything is going wrong, and she lashes out me very uncharacteristic for her. I call her on it, saying I have always done everything I could for her, to support, please her - and that I didn't deserve those comments. We chat, is she receptive, and we discuss in the most caring and constructive manner. We both leave feeling pretty good.

The next morning I meet her in the ranch. I climb in her truck, and we only drive a short distance before she stops, and begins to tell me: You know about 6 months ago when I told you I wasn't involved with X? Well, since then we have become involved. But I broke it off this morning on my drive over to meet you. I don't like the way she treats me, and I want to spend more time with folks like you, who treat me well.

We chat openly and very honestly - and I am trying to figure out what she is telling me and why. She makes it clear she is attracted to people, not genders. She is heartbroken on her split up, but I can't help thinking she is hinting of wanting a relationship with me. But she is evasive in her responses, and insists she is not interested in love, sex, or a relationship with ANYONE "for the duration". Not ever.

The next day we talk some more, and - like a fool - confess that I have falling in love with her - point out the obvious between us - and say, when/if she is ready - I would like to have a relationship with her. But first, she needs to heal. She writes an email to me right after the call and says, in no uncertain terms, she is never going to deal with a relationship, love, or sex with ANYONE. But she wants to continue to see me, it doesn't bother her or make her uncomfortable that I love her, and even suggested we take a trip together.

This is just so bizarre - to me - and I'm still trying to figure it out.

Opinions, comments? Does the adamant response of "not anyone" just a polite way of saying she is not interested in men, or just me - while trying not to hurt my feelings? Or is it coming from a place of hurt and will change. I need perspective here, especially from bi-sexual woman because it's a point of reference am I not familiar with.

 

I should add that physical part is a very minor part for me. I am no stanger to relationships, and I am reasonably familiar with "signs". If she was straight hetero, there would be no doubt in my mind of her interest. But, admitting my ignorance here, I know that bisexuals are wonderfully different in the way they perceive people. I seek understanding, so that I know how to proceed with keeping my feelings in check and preserving a compatible friendship that is nothing like I've experienced before. To keep her, and myself, comfortable with whatever this is and whatever may come.

---------- Post added 14th May 2017 at 05:41 PM ----------

Thanks. I myself swore off relationships nearly 10 years ago. Stayed true to that, realizing that it would take an extraordinary person, with an extraordinary set of compatibile traits, for me even to consider coming out of retirement. Never thought that person existed, much less I'd ever meet them.

 

Thank you so much for your response. Every little bit helps.

I have several wonderful platonic relationships with women. Not a stranger to that. The thing that makes me question this one is a number of non-standard responses.

For example, early on when I met her I gave her a nice gift. She was appreciative, and because it was more than a token - I specifically asked her if it made her feel uncomfortable in any way. She responded "Oh my no!". Since then I've bought her quite a few items that she wanted or needed, and even some minor jewelry once. Now I NEVER gave anything with any strings attached, I'm just genuinely generous and reasonably weathly (she is financially secure herself). I'm just that sort of guy. The cost was simply just how much things cost - we have expensive hobbies. A need piece of camera equipment, a proper cold weather down jacket.

I've also invited her to trips to Mexico, and we're taking about going to Africa next year. My treat - I really want to see what shots she can get (she's a top wildlife photographer and I'm just a beginner)

I usually pay for dinners, expenses, etc. While she offers sometimes, I always tell I don't mind because I really like her - and ask if she's OK with that. Again, "Well, sure!" is her typical response.

Now ANY woman I have ever known, gay or straight, if not interested would immediately say something about that - set a boundary and understand very early on. But she doesn't. I could be misreading that - but it is atypical.

Even after I told her flat out I loved her, and would probably continue to have romantic thoughts about her going forward - ask if that would be a problem for her, or make her feel uncomfortable - again the response is "Oh my No!" - says she feels honored and thanks me from the bottom of her heart.

But still insists she is not getting involved with ANYONE ever again.

I made it clear, and almost begged, and made it real easy for her to say "like you as friend only", "not attracted to you that way", "not interested in that with a man" - but she just insists "Not me, it's NOT ANYONE, NOT for the duration". Doesn't want vulnerability of being in love or or the effort of a relationship.

See my confusion? I fully understand her feelings, been that way myself for a long time. Taking her at her word is no problem either, but I know people and hearts heal. I will plan to respect her wishes and remain just friends - because that is so good. I'm going to start with a therapist that beat that love shit outta me. LOL.

But I worry that she might change her position in time, and I will have hardened my heart/changed my feelings and we both miss out on what has the building blocks of a potentially epic relationship. At our ages (me 57, her 60) - doubtful an opportunity like this would come along again.

Thanks for listening.

 

Thank you. Very much. I think you may be spot on. She was also a survivor of an extremely bad sexual assault in her 30's. I've considered the possibility of a gold digger, but I don't think that is the case. Been the victim of that a couple of times and this doesn't feel like that.

What it feels like is fear to get close. Your comments offer a reasonable explanation for that. She has made it clear she has "healthy sex life" with men in her life, but I don't think she has been close, platonic or otherwise, to a man since the assault.

After many nights of long thought, for me - it boils down to a few unanswered questions. Her current heartbreak aside, if/when her heart heals - could she see me as more than a friend? Is my gender, personality, looks or other factor prevent that from ever happening? Or, after time and healing, could she see the potential that I see now?

I dunno. What's more, I don't think she really knows at this time. She did say "never say never", but since I confessed my feelings we haven't said a word about it. Besides it would be unfair of me to press for answers during her time of grief. The immediate focus is to help in small way I can for her to get over the breakup.

It may be foolish, but at this time I don't think I'm ready to give up hope. But I can give up expectations. Maybe in a few months I may test the waters again. Or maybe not, if my new therapist can help eliminate my feelings of affection. Without sounding conceited, I think I'm a pretty good guy - with loads of understanding, respect, honesty, genuine affection and generously. Perhaps,

in time, she may see me in a different light. Perhaps not.

Thank you all for your responses and insight. It is very much appreciated. I have to say, after browsing around on this board, I have learned a LOT and gained insights about the community - and my own orientation - that are simply amazing. Probably the most open and honest group I have ever experienced. I used to think I was deeply typically hetero, but reading some posts really triggered some understanding about the feminine side in me, why I relate to women on a deep, atypical way. Thanks everyone.

 

Yes, I think it's rather odd myself. But maybe not for the same reasons. What I find odd is that she was, at least, emotionally involved for almost two years before they became physical. That's a long time. I know the other lady, she is also a friend of mine. She has not come out, but it's clear to everyone who even slightly knows her. What I also find odd, is during the last 6 months she was involved with at least two other women - this would be during the time period when my friend got involved with her. If she was a guy, I'd call her a womanizer. She was also in a 10 year relationship with a guy and they were engaged. Now she recently, in the past few years, is into women.

What I also find odd, is during the period were they were involved, my friend chose to spend the vast majority of her time with me rather than her. Maybe 1 weekend in 5 or 6 she wasn't with me. I was invited to her family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other get togethers. But when I was there, she would virtually ignore any direct contact - but would frequently engage me to interact with her family - asking me to relate stories I had previously told her (some rather personal). And would point out positive things about me. But avoid me if it tried to have an alone moment.

I know my friend is very much into attention. She likes gobs of attention. But is very sparse in the attention she gives. I sometimes think the only reason she likes me is because of the lavish attention I provide. One of things she confided to me that she really liked about the other lady was the constant texts she got all day, all night. Really I thought the other lady was borderline pathological, or at least very needy.

I have also considered that I am just a lifeboat during the time she was deciding to break it off with the other lady.

Yes we talk, she has often said "you can ask me anything" and I feel more comfortable talking to her that anyone I have ever known. I have found myself telling her things about that I have never revealed to anyone. Abuse when I was younger, deepest fears, most intimate thoughts. Stuff I could never even tell my wife when I was married, not my parents, etc. But lately not so much deep conversations, a few questions about me personally.

She plays her cards pretty close to the vest - and respect each other's privacy.

It's hard for me not to be generous. I've been blessed with so much, it makes me feel good to share. I often anonymously pay for others meals in restaurants, etc. But I like to make things count - make it special, not just gifts. For example, a couple years ago an ex-GF ran into car problems and was financially strapped. I paid $6000 to have her transmission replaced.

For my friend, one of the first times we met she mentioned how much she liked this type of Japanese pottery that repairs cracks with gold. "More beautiful for having been broken". I remembered that and this past XMAS acquired a piece through my art connections and sent it to her. I thought it would be a wonderful gesture, showing understanding and caring, and most appropriate - knew it would special meaning. She said, "I liked your gift" and never said or mentioned it again. Kinda disappointed in the reaction.

 

Thank Bunny. We had first "talk" since we revealed to each other 3 weeks ago (not that we didn't have other chats). As we seem to do, the exchange was interestingly open, frank, and honest. Understand a bit more of the dynamics of her relationship with X, and frankly shocked how submissive she interacted - given that she is a tough as nails dominate. Very out of character for her. I feel a bit more encouraged, but if anything happens for either of us with anyone - it will take a LONG time. In another interesting bizarre twist, her friend X and I are communicating