For some time now I have been feeling like my life is emptier than usual. While most of the time I just feel bored there are days in which I feel like I am buried in my own body, and the worst thing of it is that there is no real (external) reason for me to feel this way. I have very good friends, my family is the perfect picture of the happy bourgeoise family (though they do not know about my sexuality, I am sure they would accept me without any problem) and I have all (well, most) of my material needs covered. However, at the same time I just feel tired of having to wake every day, I feel ashamed when I stand before the mirror (not for my physical appearance, it is just an aversion against me) and I feel my regrets burning me in a way that no wine can quench. I have never known reciprocated love, I am trapped in more than three years of unrequited love for one guy, and a much more recent crush for a straight guy (although I am getting over him), and this just makes me feel withered. I wish to be able to escape from everything, yet I know that I can never escape these feelings. Sometimes I wish to be struck by tragedy, at least then I would have a valid reason to feel this way. Sorry if this just feels like an empty rant, I just needed to get this out of my chest.
Asterion, I'm sorry you are stuck in this rut. It definitely sounds like depression. Your unrequited feelings take a huge toll on you, I am sure, and build up subtly over time. No rant is empty. It is healthy to let our feelings out instead of holding them in constantly. It is super frustrating especially when there feels like there is no one to talk to. I hope that if this state of being gets worse that you will seek appropriate help, like a therapist, to help you get on track again. I know this makes it sound easy when it really isn't. Keep courage. I'm sorry if I can't help you more with my words. Sebby45
Hi Asterion, I can empathise somewhat and I am sorry you are feeling like this. This is no empty rant and it understandable why you feel this way. The feelings of love for somebody is probably the strongest feeling there is, whether it is love for your famiy and friends or someone you desire. I have been in the position where I have loved somebody with all my heart and not had it returned. It is pretty normal for a gay guy. Although I had a good support network like you, I didn't want to live. I just stayed in bed a lot. Everybody wants to be loved and it completely kills self-esteem, confidence, happiness and sometimes the ability to function properly. As I don't know your age, I'll use me as an example. Between the ages of 18 and 20 I felt this way. But, what I didn't consider was not living, would stop me from having the chance to be happy at 30 and at 40 and at 50 and so on. Think how your hope for tragedy would affect your loved ones. One day, your prince will come. It seems like your capacity to love will guarantee that. In my case, I was in love with my best friend and he knew it. He would use it to his advantage and be very affectionate, yet tell me he didn't feel like I did. I wondered if it was an ego boost. During this time, I was in a club and I got talking to this guy I thought was the most beautiful man alive. A week later, we went on a date, two days later we went on another and he asked me to be his boyfriend. 5 days later we told each other we loved each other which if someone told me they did the same, I'd call them an idiot. But hey I did it. I couldn't believe it. I was over the guy who wouldn't give me love back for 2 years in just a few days. Fast forward 10 and a half years, we are still together and are getting married in 12 months. I never thought that could happen to me. I thought nobody would love me back. I wondered what was wrong with me and if I would ever not feel depressed again. It happened. Why shouldn't it happen for you? I wasn't looking for a new love, it found me. I don't think looking for love works, but I could be wrong. Basically, what I am trying to say, is that there is a lot of life to be lived out there and putting one front of the other with a smile on your face might be forced at first, but eventually that smile will stick. I am going to recommend a music video for you to watch. Not for the song as you may or may not like it, but the video. Watch it until the end as you will see the message. Roger Sanchez - Another Chance Hope this helps. I will be here to carry on talking of you like.
Thanks for the support. I have actually considered going to a therapist, however in my better days I feel that it is unnecessary, and on my worse days I cannot find the willpower to do it. I also have a hard time opening up in person to strangers, so I would be either lying or staying quiet to him/her if I ever went (voluntarily) to one. Every day I see the possibility of getting someone more distant. I do not know many gay people and I am not the kind of person to go to a bar or get a dating app. I frankly do not know what to do about this now. By the way duff0286, congratulations on your marriage!
Thanks for your congratulations. You don't have to go on a gay dating app or site, but maybe one for finding friendships. Sometimes taking a small step is making a giant leap. The worst that can happen is that you don't make a new friend. There are so many people who are just like you. But, if you don't do anything then nothing happens. Life stays the same and you are not creating any new opportunities for yourself. I know it is a big brave move to try something new, whether it be a new hobby or find a place to make new friends. I believe you should just take the plunge. Find a friendship website or a gay site and advertise that you are only looking for friends and see how you get on. Stay clear of ****** etc. You would be speaking behind the safety of a screen. If you hit it off with someone you might want to meet somewhere for coffee or something. I don't want to sound pushy. I just want you to start a new journey on the road to happiness.
