I just found this site and am hoping to make some friends and be able to share my feelings with people who understand. I have absolutely no one to talk to about my feelings for "her" and things have bottled up inside me so badly sometimes I think I'm just going to explode. I am married, 51 years old and wondering why the heck I'm realizing NOW that I would like to be with another woman. She is 17 years my junior, in a relationship but not married and I work with her. We started out as friends, became more, fell for each other, but have stopped because a) it's impossible to see each other, b) we have just about ruined our friendship c) it just became too difficult to not be able to be together. I truly believe God put her in my life for a reason but have yet to discover what that is. I can't stop thinking about her and our time together. One minute I feel like I'm making progress getting over "us" and then the next minute I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards and start my crying sessions all over again. My husband knows about her and is not upset but I can't get past feeling like being with another woman is what I want. I love him, but am not "in love" with him and do not have feelings with him like I do with her. It would crush my family if I left him, and here's the kicker-His first wife left him b/c she was lesbian. She has passed away but he gets a "double whammy" and doesn't deserve it. I'm heartbroken.
Hello whynotsooner and welcome to EC. It happened to me in a very similar way to you. I was 51 when I fell in love with a friend. Not reciprocated and caused me nearly a year worth of pain. You did the right thing joining this site, it is a lifesaver and you can speak openly and freely about anything and you will get help and support. Does your friend still have feelings for you? I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to have fallen for someone and those feelings to be returned and you can't be together? xx
Hi Whynot and welcome to EC, you will make friends and find people you can share with here! My story is so similar to yours. A big difference being that I was already divorced when I fell for a woman. So I didn't have the whole marriage thing to contend with along with realization (or more like acknowledgment) in my mid-40's that I have always been attracted to women. But if you read through threads here you will find many women like you who have discovered they are attracted to or are in a relationship with a woman--but are currently married. You definitely are not alone! The similarities of our stories are that I also work with her, she is younger, (also divorced.) We also started out as friends (a long friendship, like a year before we became more, so we were already very emotionally bonded.) From there we were in a romantic relationship for a year-which had to be secret from the workplace (stressful). This was the best year of my life. The relationship ended several months ago. As I sense from your post, your relationship with this woman didn't end due to lack of love or feelings, but due to other factors. Same with us. Like with you, the beautiful friendship we once shared before everything is basically ruined--for both of us it's too hard to be together but not BE together. We continue to work together--do you continue to work with the woman also? And, same as you sometimes I feel like I am making progress getting over us..even at the point now where i at least can see other women and think, 'wow, she's cute, cool, I'd like to get to know her'-- etc etc.--so I GUESS this is progress. But then..EXACTLY...I take 10 steps backwards and am crying all over again!!! Rest assured, there are people out there (me!) who understand! I can't really comment on the complicating factor of being married since I no longer am, but I am sure you will be able to get a lot of support here from late in lifers who are married. Take care
I can definitely relate. Always knew I was attracted to women, not to men. I have been married to a man for 17 years. Then I developed a friendship with a woman I worked with and I fell in love with her. I am emotionally and sexually attracted to her. I think about being with her daily. I finally told her that I was interested in women not men, hoping that she was at least curious and wanted to explore that with me. Thankfully I did not tell her about my feelings for her. After sharing my sexuality with her it is clear to me she is only interested in men and I'm glad I did not ruin our friendship over it. But I see her every day and I'm not over her yet. Falling in love with her made me realize that I would rather be with a woman. Hopefully we can help each other though this.
jackiescutt17 Thank you for the welcome-She still has feelings for me too but she has been able to suppress them better than I have. She has been in a lesbian relationship for 9 years and, of course, doesn't want to hurt her partner or break up my marriage. In the beginning we just flirted around and she told me things about her relationship that she wasn't happy with and confided in me quite a bit. Then we admitted to each other that we had a "crush" and of course it lead to much more. but then we started bickering, a lot, and now looking back I think it was more frustration for both of us than anything, because we couldn't be together the way we wanted to be. and it has just lead to more and more bickering and now we are just hanging on to our friendship by a thread. I am looking for a new job because I keep thinking if I get away from her then all will be ok with me, but in my heart I know that isn't going to be the case. So now, I'm struggling just to get through the day because we work in the same department. I think it's a little harder for me because, and I've told her this, she knew from early on that she was lesbian. I "settled" for the man I married, and I think married him mostly because I was getting up in years, I live in a small town and there aren't many men to choose from anyway, and I knew he would be the best choice for me. And he was, at the time, but sex was never something I looked forward to with him at all either. So when she came into my life, and I admitted to her that I had a crush on her, it was like all of it made sense. It felt totally natural for me to be with her. So each day I cry a little and try to move on. When I think of living the rest of my life with a man I don't love, and desire it breaks my heart. ---------- Post added 13th May 2017 at 05:27 PM ---------- moonsparkle Thank you for your post-reading all of this is helping tremendously. We had to be secret in the workplace also (yes, very stressful). Our main communication was on the phone on the way home or to work each day and texting. It was so frustrating because we couldn't even disagree on anything like a normal couple would. so communication was definitely a factor. She couldn't get past the fact that I was married, even though I have reminded her that she knew that in the beginning. She constantly brought up that she didn't want me sleeping with my husband, and that caused a lot of stress both with him and with her. So even though my sex life with my husband had dwindled long before I met her, she still accused me of sleeping with him. So even though her thoughts were not entirely correct that was a big factor in us breaking up. I don't know if I can be attracted to another woman like I am with her, but I do know that my present situation at home is not working for me either. She and I expressed our love for one another, and I know she still loves me-and I still love her, but I don't know if I can take a risk of leaving my husband and being alone either. Would I rather stay with him and be his friend because it is secure than leave him and not have anyone? IDK
how can you leave your husband of over 20 years because you are attracted to another woman beyond being able to think straight, when his first wife left him for the same thing??? how in the world could I do that? But then again, I'm so unhappy............my stepson would totally disown me and IDK about our son-who is 19 and in college.......
Are you thinking about leaving because you have already developed a relationship with another woman, or just because you are attracted to women in general?
Hi Whynot, I just have a couple of thoughts... The last question you asked is so difficult--about 'how in the world can I leave my husband of 20 years?' (The fact that his first wife left him because she was a lesbian just adds another layer to all this.) Many women (I think more than would admit it) stay married for safety and security, rather than face the possibility of being alone. And there is something to be said for safety and security I suppose, even if someone is unhappy. It's almost as if the trade-off is accepted.( As if having both doesn't even seem possible.) It sounds as though maybe this trade-off worked for a while for you, at least until you met and started a relationship with the woman you mentioned. You state that this relationship felt very natural and right to you. You state you feel like what you want in life is to be with a woman. Listen to that little voice in your head, the 'whisper.' Oprah Winfrey used this term on her show yrs ago-- 'we all have the little whisper', for some reason I always remember that. The whisper will tell you all you need to know... Unfortunately 'the whisper' doesn't advise us on HOW to get to what it's telling us. That's our job to figure out. But I have found it will tell you where you should be headed..
zumbaqueen I have told her in the past that some day I might have to move on either with or without her. So while I am totally head over heels about her right now, if I get another job and move on I cannot say I would be against finding another woman. I think it's just hard for me b/c I see her every single day, we get coffee together, eat lunch together, but in her eyes it's as friends now. We were fighting so much and as "friends" now is where we are, however, I am struggling with that. This is the first experience ever that I have had and maybe it's because of that that I haven't let myself think about the possibility of anyone else besides her. so I know I'm rambling, but once I experienced the feelings of being with her, and not even sexually-it's that connection that women have, the friendship, the laughter, being in the same room and not speaking but each of us knows what the other is thinking........I can't say I want to give up on that just because I can't have her. But what are the odds of this happening to me again at 51? I told her if this ever happened to me again, if someone comes into my life randomly like she did and totally turns my world upside down that I will not let it go a second time. I will not go through trying to get over someone again. I mentally and physically cannot do it. ---------- Post added 15th May 2017 at 09:25 PM ---------- Moonsparkle-----that "whisper" is in my head 24/7. I keep thinking that is what is guiding me through this but I'm scared to death I'm going to find out I'm wrong. Yes there is something to be said for safety and security.......and I definitely have that right now. And if I left and she didn't, I would be alone and I don't want that either. My husband knows all of this-I was about to lose my mind one night and I just told him about being with her (no details). He understands, he knows she is still my friend, we have all been around each other since then (but her partner does not know about us). He told me he didn't consider it "cheating". But I have continued to try to talk to him about it, vaguely, and we have come to an understanding that I need to have friends that he doesn't question, that I can do what I want with and he will not judge me or be upset-he just doesn't want me to leave him. So he is willing to let me do what I need to do in order to be happy, however, IDK if that's going to be enough for me. I have told him that I'm not the same person he married, that I have changed, and there is nothing I can do about it. He is OK with that. So he continues to be the great guy he is, doing anything I need him to do, and I feel so horrible that I can't love him back the way he loves me. With her I just knew it. We have so much in common and I have never, ever felt like this. This is the way it's supposed to be when you get married, but I settled and didn't have those feelings. It tears me up that he feels like that towards me but I don't feel the same way.
It's doubtful the 'whisper' is wrong. However, the fear around acting on it can be most definitely real. And you are right...all of us in life want to control outcomes, as in-if I do A then B will happen. But when we're dealing with people we have NO control over them or their decisions. You could leave your husband and she very well may not leave her girlfriend. Or, you both could leave to be together, and break up down the line anyway. Or you could sail blissfully into the sunset together. There is no way of knowing, and the fear of the unknown can be downright paralyzing. I know. I stayed in my marriage WAY too long even though it was crystal clear I needed to end it. (But this was a totally different situation than yours, my husband became involved in activities that didn't line up with my (and I thought our) values. He became uncaring, unhelpful, angry and generally not present. He was no longer a 'good guy'.) But STILL I stayed. Though the marriage was now completely dysfunctional, at least it was at least known. But I was perpetually anxious/edgy/miserable. I figured at least I wasn't alone, even though I was actually more alone than ever. I hid everything I was going through from everyone, even avoiding friends as I didn't want them to pick up on the fact that my marriage was a wreck. I wanted to keep up a good front. It was only at crisis point that I finally had to leave. And then i was alone, really alone, I had detatched from so many friends by this point. I was left with the burden of selling our house, moving into my own place, separating finances and all that goes with all that. My husband was largely absent from the divorce process--to the point of missing court dates. I am not quite sure how I made it through the work day during this period, I was a mess-- but somehow I did. I guess my point is that my husband had become a total ass--yet it was STILL difficult for me to leave. So I can imagine how difficult it would be when your husband is an understanding , general good guy all around. No real advice here, I just wanted to share a bit of my story; to let you know I completely get it; the struggle is real.
When you say "if I do A then B will happen" is right. I keep thinking there is a plan. I keep thinking, "God brought me to this for a reason. He put her in my life for a reason." I have an ex-cousin-in-law that I have been talking with and she and her partner have been together for like 8 years. She said maybe this was a stepping stone to something else and I keep trying to look at it that way-some days I can do it and some days I can't. And of course there are no guarantees with any of it. That is a lot to think about though-being in your situation, him becoming the Ass and it was still hard for you to leave............you would have thought it would have just been a no-brainer at that point. Maybe I am just caught up in the infatuation of being with her and not thinking as rationally as I should be. I think working with her is making it so much worse-I'm trying to be friends with her and it isn't even a sexual thing with me anymore..........it's just her. And maybe my whisper isn't wrong-I still feel like I am meant to be with a woman. I just keep thinking it will all work out like it is supposed to, but in the meantime I don't know how to handle myself around him because I am not physically attracted to him at all. I have gone through the motions and tried to pretend but I just can't do it. And the thing is, he deserves so much more than what I am giving him but I honestly don't think he cares-as long as I don't leave him I think he would be willing to just let me do what I wanted to do as long as I was not going to leave him. Part of me initially thought I could do that, but IDK. So, at this point, what is it like for you now? Did you move away?
I know! You would have thought it would have been a no-brainer to leave my now-an-ass of a husband. It wasn't, but basically because at that point in my life I was still trying to make things look good to people on the outside (so stupid.) I've learned a ton about life since then, I'm not like that anymore, but that's where I was at that time. **sigh** So to briefly (though I can never write briefly!) wrap things up about how things went after the divorce...I got through all that house selling, rented an apartment in a different town, stayed at my same job. At this point I am still 'straight', though deep in my mind I always knew I was attracted to women, since like Junior High actually, but totally buried that. Anyway, after the divorce I got involved with a married man (my stupidity now running rampant!). Ended that. Was truly alone for almost a year. And then I met HER. We became best friends, I felt so much more, I hid it though not wanting to ruin the friendship. Still I sensed we were flirting A LOT, touching each other way more than in a friendly way. We were together 24/7. Still I thought I might be imagining things. (She is bisexual and I knew she had been with women before.) Then about a year into the friendship she nervously admitted she was attracted to me as more than a friend, wondered if I felt the same? It was like a dream come true! And we started our sexual/romantic relationship. And FINALLY everything made sense, this was what felt right and true for me!! But like you mentioned ...it was the emotional connection that made everything feel so right. I had NEVER experienced this in my life. We work together, it was all a secret from work...as you know, this is difficult and can create some issues. But anyway things go along beautifully for a year. But the relationship is also complicated (aren't they all.) Without getting into too many details the complications arise mostly around the fact that what we both ultimately need in life doesn't really match up. She is younger, we are at different points in our lives. She has very young children. I love being with the person I love, but I need space too, she doesn't need or want space. Anyway, we break up, both devastated and still in love. But in agreement that the issues we have seem to not be solvable at this point (this was about 5 months ago.) I knew I couldn't go back to doing the 'just be friends' with her thing. But slowly we have started talking and texting again.. Are you finding it difficult to try to do the friendship thing with her? Like with you I know she came into my life for a reason, she feels this way too...Secretly hoping, wishing that there is some sort of plan in the universe where we find our way back to each other...But in the meantime I also try to get over her. But you know how it goes, no one else is her. To get back to your points...some women would def be thrilled if a husband 'allowed' them to do whatever they wanted to just as long as they didn't leave. I think it's possible that this sort of set-up doesn't feel good to you deep down because you respect and love your husband too much to do that. And maybe you feel sad that he would be okay with such a plan. You may only be able to go through the motions for so long. Your husband does deserve more than you can give him now...and you also deserve to be happy. It COULD be that you are caught up in infatuation, and not thinking rationally. But we are older now, we have been around the block a few times. With maturity at this age I am thinking we can objectively tell the difference between infatuation and love. (At least I think!) In the meantime thank God there is EC. Especially for the men and women in the Late-in-Lifers club here, I have no idea where I would be able to express my thoughts and have people GET IT, if it wasn't here! Take care!
Whynotsooner, you sound so much like me, afraid to leave because you don't know what your future holds, yet knowing the present you are in now does not make you happy. I don't want to be alone. My situation is slightly different. The woman I am in love with is my best friend, however she does not feel that way for me, she is happily married and is not interested in women at all. We work together, in fact I am her boss. It is so hard to get through the day. I have thought about looking for another job, and I also encourage her to better herself and possibly find employment elsewhere. That is for a very selfish reason, it's because I can't concentrate when she is around. I have never actually had a relationship with a woman, I just know I don't care for men and I am physically attracted to women. This is the second time in my life I have fallen for a woman. The first time was before I was married, but I was much younger then and I denied who I was and we never had a physical relationship, at the time I told her I wasn't interested in women which was a lie, I was just afraid. My husband now knows about my sexuality, but he thinks he can fix me.
