1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AlexJames, May 11, 2017.

  1. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Trying to figure out what I am. I even changed my gender to questioning. I made a post a while back about it but i didn't articulate myself very well and that really threw me off posting about it again. Almost didn't post on here, i felt intimidated. But its 1am so fuck it.

    All I can really articulate is that i have never felt like i was 'one of the girls'. I've always felt like there was a metaphorical wall between me and pretty much every other girl i went to school with growing up. Like fundamentally different or something. But I’m not dysphoric at all.

    Its just…idk if its all in my head and I’m overthinking or any of it means anything. What are some questions i should be asking myself? How do i figure this out? What are your guys' thoughts? I mean what does it even mean to feel like a girl or a boy or neither or somewhere in-between?
     
  2. Dryad

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2013
    Messages:
    772
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes, I feel like that too, not being "one of the girls" and all, and I'm somewhat dysphoric about my boobs, they're not big but I'd like them to be really small. In the end of the day, you can identify how you want, how you think it would best describe your feelings and experiences. I chose to continue identifying as a woman, because I didn't think it would be worth it to undergo any social transitioning. As I see it, sometimes you can either broaden the definition of your present gender, and say for example "I'm a woman who doesn't fit the common mold" or choose another name for it, like "I'm genderqueer". Both are "correct", it depends on what you want to achieve, how you want to be percieved, if it makes any difference to you, and how you feel most comfortable.
     
  3. baconpox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    963
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Not feeling like "one of the girls" doesn't mean that you're trans, there are a lot of things that can cause that. It could be a result of dysphoria, but if that's the only thing making you question, it's probably not dysphoria.
     
    #3 baconpox, May 12, 2017
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  4. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    *headdesk* That's not what i'm saying. I guess i'm not wording myself right here. I'm not trans. I'm not a guy. But that's like all i know. I see so many gender labels - agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc. I wanted to explore them and see if one of them suited me, that's all.

    ---------- Post added 12th May 2017 at 08:12 AM ----------

    Thanks! :icon_bigg You got some great advice there. Good stuff to think on in that last sentence.
     
  5. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly I read the other post, and there's nothing indicating that you are on the trans spectrum- including the non-binary spectrum.

    Even non-binary people- agender, bigender, genderfluid, etc people, have some kind of dysphoria. Dysphoria is what defines a person being not cisgender.

    I would argue that not feeling like one of the girls is a very common experience for cis women in general. That's why you get a whole bunch of women complaining about other women and being one of the guys.

    I'm not feminine either. I hate dresses, make-up, gossip, and deep intimate friendships. I approach friendships "like a dude", but that doesn't mean I am a dude or a mixed gender. Plenty of men also approach friendships like women do.

    Everything you mentioned in your last post has nothing to do with gender or being non-binary. I personally know an actual agender person who is AFAB, but they only wear dresses, make-up, do "girly" things, and act like a stereotypical cis woman does. Yet they are still agender because they have dysphoria of pronouns and their body. They do not have to be masculine or act like a group of mixed gender roles to be a non-binary gender.

    Anyone can fit mixed gender roles. Cis women can be both masculine and feminine. Cis women can also be 100% masculine and 0% feminine. And a agender/bigender/genderfluid person can also be 100% feminine and 0% masculine in roles.
     
    #5 Creativemind, May 12, 2017
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  6. Worker Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2017
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    44
    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you can disassociate your thoughts from your biological body how do you feel within yourself?

    I feel absolutely no gender I am just me. The way that I dress is simply how I feel more comfortable. I do not associate a link between being agender and how I dress.

    I don't particularly feel dysphoria (although I could so live without periods) as such although I have an issue with my chest but that's because boobs will mess up the tattoo I want. You do not need to feel dysphoria to identify as agender.
     
  7. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yeah that's just it. I don't know what i'm supposed to feel or if i feel anything. For most of my life i didn't know gender and biological sex were different tbh. I just know that i've always felt like those are girls that's not me, if that makes sense. But i don't mind having boobs or that sort of thing. Its hard to put into words. I think being so new to the subject its hard to know what i feel to begin with. Maybe saying it aloud to myself will help. In my deeply repressed years it felt wrong to say i was straight so maybe it works for this too.
     
  8. Linus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Chicago Area
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am genderfluid... and there was a time when I worried about this...

    but recently it's stopped mattering to me exactly which gender I fit into at which time, or whether I'm a girl or not, whether I'm a guy or not, neither, both. I just stopped thinking about it being different categories. Gender isn't categories; it's a spectrum. So now I'm not necessarily "girl" or "guy" or "something else"... I'm just... "me"

    That was my epiphany. That I didn't have to figure it out. I could just be myself, and that "me" was just as good a label as any. "me" is constant. "me" is real. "me" is legitimate. I am legitimate. The way I feel is legitimate. I don't have to question it. I exist, and therefore my gender exists, whatever that may be. Thinking about gender is like thinking about breathing... so try to breath easy. Trust that it will come naturally. That's the best advice I can give, from my own experience.
     
  9. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for this <3
     
  10. EverDeer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2016
    Messages:
    442
    Likes Received:
    55
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Honestly, not feeling like I fit in with other people of my gender was one of the first indicators to me that I could be nonbinary, and I disagree with the other non-nonbinary posters that this is an irrelevant feeling to breach when determining your identity.

    Yes, you don't have to be stereotypically masculine or feminine to be a woman/man, because expression and identity are not the same thing. However... I enjoy many aspects of femininity, and even though I personally feel I'm more masculine than most women, that had nothing to do with the fact that I just didn't feel like a woman. Originallay, many people did tell me I just had some ingrained misogyny and hatred towards femininity, but I don't. I love seeing feminine women, I love that people are able to express themselves in a multitude of ways with their gender, and I enjoy many feminine things too- however, I have a problem with the fact that when I try to enjoy these feminine things, I automatically get seen as a woman. I don't hold disdain towards other women who enjoy being women, being treated as women, being referred to as women, but in myself, it is inherently wrong and bad. And not because of gender roles either-- because I am actually a naturally pretty soft, nurturing, submissive person etc-- but there truly is a fundamental difference. Regardless of dressing/acting feminine or masculine, it's not a matter of not relating or getting along with some women, but a feeling as though I am wearing a very complex facade that seemed to trick everyone almost a little -too- easily. That, even if I was accepted into social groups with other females, and had other close friends that were female, and we got along just like any friends should, even if we bonded over stereotypically feminine feelings or interests, etc. there was still a fundamental block or difference between how I felt towards my gender and how they did. It seems to me most well-adjusted cis women, regardless of their femininity or masculinity, feel okay when being referred to as a woman, or being approached by others who assume they are a woman. Even if they're someone who isn't feminine and eye-rolls at forced gender roles, there's still this level of intuition they have that doesn't make them question their "femaleness" despite their femininity, or masculinity, or if they have all male friends, etc. etc. In me, there was that discomfort as well. That apparent, intuitive disconnect that didn't say "why do we have to be feminine to be women?" But instead "why do others think I'm a woman just because I'm feminine?" And there is a difference between the two, and I believe if you are nonbinary you'll be able to understand and tell this difference in those you talk to.
     
    #10 EverDeer, May 12, 2017
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  11. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Not gonna lie i'm so tired i had to read that a few times before i could comprehend anything. I'm running on like four or five hours of sleep which for me is bad. I run fine on seven and nothing less. So if my reply doesn't make sense, that's why.

    I get what you're saying. I remember times where people would be talking to, of, and around me and refer to me as a girl and it was just a funny feeling i can't really put a name to. Like "oh they're referring to me" but i'm socially anxious too, so i never really put much thought to it. Dressing in skirts or dresses (read: being forced into them) never felt right either, but i have always put that down to a personal preference. I have one question though - what is the difference between non-binary and agender? I have seen both as labels on here that appear to refer to not feeling like a male or a female.
     
    #11 AlexJames, May 12, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2017
  12. EverDeer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2016
    Messages:
    442
    Likes Received:
    55
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am socially anxious as well, but here's how I essentially learned to tell the difference between social dysphoria and social anxiety...
    When I'm feeling anxious, I think about it in terms of "I'm anxious because I'm out right now, it's too loud, I'm nervous about having to interact with people, how they'll perceive me (in terms of if I look nervous or friendly or do something stupid/awkward)-- and most importantly-- I feel my anxiety would be fixed if I could go somewhere quieter/more private/was only around my close friends/wasn't overstimulated". When I'm feeling social anxiety, I know that in order to fix the situation, it hinges on me simply getting out of the environment and moving to one that is more comfortable, or has less pressure.
    When I have social dysphoria, here's how I think of it "I'm out right now, I want to have a good time/I'm having a good time, but I feel overstimulated because I'm hyper aware of how others are perceiving me. Do I look too feminine? Do people think I look weird because I just look like a gay girl? Do they think I'm faking being a man? I'm acting like myself....by why do I get funny looks? Do people think I'm pretending? I don't understand why I can feel good and be having a good time myself, but how everyone else is treating me differently.... treating me like they don't know me, or they can't see how I really am-- and most importantly-- I'm confused because others aren't seeing me how I see myself, and I'm anxious that it's preventing them from having a good time. with dysphoria, for me personally, it doesn't really hinge on what the environment is, the anxiety would not go away if I was in a less social environment, It hinges on how secure my identity is, and how aware I am of others perceiving me "incorrectly". Social anxiety can be fixed by going somewhere else because it's a fear of interacting or not fitting in.... social dysphoria is an incongruence with the identity and how it relates to other people, so it follows you everywhere if it is present.

    Also, by definition, agender is simply the abscense of gender, or feeling as though you are neither male nor female, or don't have a gender. Nonbinary is a catch-all term for anyone whose gender is not strictly male or female. They can be used to mean roughly the same thing, or interchangeably, it's just agender is a little more specific. Agender is by default a nonbinary gender, but some people who are also nonbinary may feel that they're both male and female as opposed to neither, which is how an agender person may feel. I often use the term nonbinary because it's the easiest to explain, but if I had to be more specific, I would say I was an agender person who felt vaguely more connected to the idea of/being described as a boy (sometimes the term for that is demiboy), or I would prefer to be a boy if the only two options available to me were man and woman. I connect with masculinity more, but ultimately I don't feel I have any gender, they're all just kind of outfits you put on in my mind.
     
    #12 EverDeer, May 12, 2017
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  13. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    3,049
    Likes Received:
    704
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Don't distress if you don't "feel it". A lot of people don't. Really. As for the labels... I dunno, there are many, if you feel better using one. Agender, genderfluid, androgyne, bigender... There are definitions out there to each of them, you kight want to know if your gender shifts and if you feel like both or raher neither, but imho the labels are just unneccessary stress unless one really rings with you. It's up to you in the end to find the best way to describe how you feel, identify, relate to gender, and so forth.

    To me that I feel like a guy means that I always better understood guys, I had more similar thoughts, reactions, likes, dislikes and so forth. It's a mindset? Their behaviour seemed more natural for me and the girls, I was trying to be a girl, I couldn't comprehend for some time that the way they are is natural and instinctual for them. Internally, because not even in behaviour, I am much more like a man than a woman. Behaviour is just a "self" we create and use to interact wih the world and I ant to experience many different things that are said to be feminine or masculine. Anyway, that all, the way I am and the way other people are creates for me a sense of belonging to the sex that is not mine - this is what I'd describe as feeling like.

    That being said, some people don't feel it because their cis and they basically think in lines of "I feel and think this because I am a woman". Of course not explicitly... but they assume the connection. Or many people don't feel it because their minds are not gender specific, simply.
     
  14. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel like shit but thanks a lot for this. You explained it pretty well. I think for now i'm not gonna label it. First I wanna be able to look myself in the mirror and feel confident and not immediately want to look away cause i don't feel like what I'm seeing is really me. I want to be happy with that before i stick a label on it, if i still feel like i need one at that point.
     
  15. Rickystarr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,054
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    If you don't have dysphoria there is no point in questioning your gender. I will never understand that. Don't try to fix what isn't broken.

    However if this is causing you distress, that might actually be dysphoria. It comes in many forms, it's not always about your body.
     
  16. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Can you expand on that? I've always read on here as dysphoria referring to a misalignment of one's gender identity and one's assigned sex.

    What i'm trying to say is this. For as far back as i can remember i've hated looking at myself in the mirror. Like a hurry look away that can't possibly be me sort of thing. But until recently i've never really paid it much thought - just like with my sexuality growing up, i just shoved it aside. Now it bothers me. That's really what this is all about.
     
  17. BostonStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't know. It's something I'm trying to figure out myself. I'm physically male, but I've never felt like 'one of the guys', in fact I'm often regarded as one of the girls. My gender is fluid, which means that it alternates between male and female (and anything in between), though I have to admit that I feel female more often than male, but I still don't feel dysphoric about my body. It's very confusing. I don't think I'll ever look in the mirror and feel completely happy with what I see.
     
  18. Rickystarr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,054
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Kansas City
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That sounds like it could be dysphoria if it is related to gender in any way.

    Or if you're uncomfortable with being seen as female to the point where it affects your life in a significant way. That's what we call social dysphoria. Being treated/referred to like other women might seem embarrassing, wrong or even make you angry.
     
  19. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    3,049
    Likes Received:
    704
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Why do you feel like shit? I'm sorry, I didn't read the whole thread, because people write over and over the same things, lol. Does it have something to do with being told not to question and but being unsettled, being stressed about not being able to pick a name, or something else?


    Hm, I don't feel dysphoria either, at least as far as I know... I like to look more androgynous, but it's not like looking girly bothers me. if you look at the diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria:
    Then to me criteria 2 3 and 4 are what I thunk of as dysphoria, the other three are more of the "I am this" sort. This is from the site of American Psychiatric Association. And the treatment mentioned is that for some people it's physically transitioning, some people require help with handling just some social aspects, and some only help of a therapist in self-acceptance, if they need any of this of course. Maybe being distressed when identifying as your assigned gender is dysphoria? That's philosophical to me.

    ---------- Post added 12th May 2017 at 10:43 PM ----------

    Yeah, I'd fall under this what Patrick said, I feel bothered when I have to refer to myself as a woman or when I'm lumped into this mold. It's criterion 5 :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Sounds like you might fall under that too.
     
    #19 Mihael, May 12, 2017
    Last edited: May 12, 2017
  20. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,139
    Likes Received:
    226
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'll properly reply to this later when i'm awake, cause i literally just woke up. I just wanted to clarify that i felt like shit physically for the most part. With a little i really hate what i see in the mirror. TTYL