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Finding your real self

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SkyAbove, May 9, 2017.

  1. SkyAbove

    SkyAbove Guest

    I was wondering, and I thought I'd share it with you guys.

    When I was a kid, I had short hair and I was often mistaken for a boy. Even I considered myself a boy until puberty started. I had all the hobbies and the mindset that boys had. I hated all the too feminine clothes, and I saw no point in growing my hair, and I was genuinely sure that one day I'd just become a boy, and be like all my good friends were.

    Obviously that day didn't come, and I realised that my mother didn't like my hair. I remember her threathening me with cutting down all of it if I won't stop resisting growing it. So I gave in, and from the age of eleven I didn't have any major haircut for a long time. But I had a lot of thoughts about being 'wrong' or being 'different' than the other girls, and I started to think, that in order to be accepted I should fit in and be like them.

    So I just really lost myself. Not because of the hair itself, but because of what it symbolised. I was ashamed of myself and I thought that I was hiding a secret that I cannot talk about to anybody. My mother was happy because I became 'normal' like the other girls. And I was frustrated and afraid of what was wrong with me. I started to dress more feminine too (no skirts though).

    Years went by and I finally became comfortable in my body, and the be honest I'm still pretty much like being a woman.

    For a long long time I had this very feminine long hair, which looked really pretty and I looked really feminine as well. Guys started to hit on me, which was totally shocking to me. However, by that time I managed to force myself to forget my sexual orientation. So I was just very confused, because I sure looked like any other pretty girls but I felt nothing about guys. No attraction, no romantic feelings, nothing in reality. By this time I was about twenty years old and very out of place.

    Through a very long process I managed to accept that what if I was bisexual... that's where my journey restarted itself and I could start to realise who I was. Even though, I was never bisexual, it was still a huge step in accepting my deep love for women.

    I was even in a relationship with a guy, and it lasted more than half a year. Never had sex with him though, I couldn't bring myself to do that. However, I was in a 'normal', 'socially acceptable' relationship, and it did feel good for a while. Not the intimate part, but it felt good to be accepted by people. Or ignored by people, because I was just part of one of the many hetero couples. This relationship was destined to come to end of course, and I found myself knowing a little bit more about me and stopped lying to myself.

    And when I had my hair cut short, a lot of feelings came back from somewhere forgotten. Feelings of being courageous and self-confident, mischievous. Myself. I connected myself back to who I was in my most pure period of life, and I was overjoyed to be able to discover me again. And I still am.

    I don't even like to put myself in any stereotypes, I'd like to think that I am who I am. Sometimes I look femme, sometimes tomboy. But the hair, that stays short.

    I don't know if you can relate or not, or you're someone who experienced this or a mother who has concerns. But sharing maybe helps someone. Thank you for reading.
     
  2. baconpox

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2014
    Messages:
    963
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for sharing! I'm glad you've found yourself.