So my friend and I were discussing prom the other week and she asked if I was going. I wasn’t originally going to but she made some pretty convincing arguments (it’s a once-or-twice in a lifetime experience, it’s in a good location this year, and it would be a fun opportunity for us to hang out.) I decided to see if I could go and talk to my parents about it. Since then I’ve been too anxious to ask my parents but I’m going to have to really soon since if I want to go, since it's on the 20th. The whole thing just makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety. I’m trembling right now just typing this (sorry for any typos btw). For starters, wardrobe. My parents don’t know I’m trans and expect me to go in a dress. I would rather eat a raw onion. So I’m going to have to ask them if I can go in a tux, which is a conversation I’m not looking forward to. I know they would try to be accepting and accommodating of both my wardrobe and, if it ever comes up, my gender, but I know it would break their hearts a little. Especially my mom, who would be the one taking me shopping and has already been under a lot of stress lately. So the wardrobe shopping experience would either be heartbreaking for my mom and awkward for me, or excruciating for me and fun for my mom if I sucked it up and wore a dress. For another thing, the idea of prom makes me nervous. I get really anxious around other people, especially in social events that involve performance such as dancing. My friend is aware of this and said we could just hang out in the corner and talk, but I worry a little if that will be enough. That is, assuming I’m in an anxious mood on that day instead of a depressed one, in which case I worry that I won’t be a able to enjoy it anyway. I don’t want to have a bad time at what is supposed to be such as memorable and fun event and I certainly don’t want to drag it down for my friend. Plus I know that a lot of effort often goes into preparations, which I don’t know if I can handle. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and had trouble managing my schoolwork, so even a fairly normal task like prom preparations feels really overwhelming right now. Another contributing factor to my anxiety is that I have feelings for the friend who I would be hanging out with. I figured I would be able to look past that and it didn’t have to be weird, since people go to prom as friends all the time, but I guess I don’t really trust myself not to be awkward and anxious about it. As a result of all this I haven’t been able to make myself talk to my parents about it. But if I don’t talk to them, I’ll feel really bad about flaking out on my friend like that. I know our plans were tentative at best and honestly she’d probably be better off without me, but I have led her on with the expectation that I would talk to my parents. I don’t want her to think that I don’t care enough about my commitments to follow through on them, or that I’m some sort of coward who can’t even deal with talking to parents. She knows I haven’t been in the best mental state lately and that I get really anxious and insecure about my gender presentation (including the tux problem) but I guess it seems like I’m blowing everything way out of proportion and I don’t know how to explain it to her? I know I shouldn’t be this anxious about everything and I just feel really bad about it, and I don’t know if she’ll understand. Does anyone have any advice for what I should do? Thanks for reading to the end of this, sorry it’s a bit long.
Do you want to go? I had a lot of the same concerns as you do, and the main reason I went was because my SO wanted to and it was a good chance to hang out with friends. We stood in a corner most of the time and then left and fell asleep in the coat check. I think it's worth it to go if you can handle it if it turns out to be a bad day. I also have been struggling with depression and anxiety, and if you think it's going to be a problem with the amount of people and the loud music it might be better not to go. I ended up having a bad day that day but I was ok at the dance because I had friends with me and a way to get away from the noise. You should talk to your friend about your concerns, if you don't feel comfortable going I'm sure she'll understand. As far as clothing goes, it's best to wear something you'll feel comfortable in. I like sewing, so I made a dress and wore that because I thought a tux would be too hot to try and dance in. I don't have a problem with wearing dresses, but if you wouldn't be comfortable in one then you shouldn't wear one.
If you're forced to go in a dress, buy a nice shirt and some dress pants from Goodwill and sneak them in.
Does the prom have a theme? Could you figure out some male "persona" from the theme and tell your mom that your going as him? I'll bet you don't generally wear dresses so why would your mom think this would be any different? From your description it doesn't sound like she'd have an awful reaction to you saying you wanted to wear a pant suit. A smart pair of pants, button down shirt and tie looks just as good on a guy or a girl and there's no reason either one couldn't wear it. Maybe have a few pictures of women in suits that you could see yourself in and go prepared with them to your mom and just ask her if she could help you find the pieces you need to put the outfit together. Don't worry about the dancing. You are 100% allowed to politely decline any invitations to dance. "No but thank you for asking." You don't need to explain anything. You have the right to do whatever makes you most comfortable and if that doesn't include dancing, that's perfectly fine. I'm guessing once you've talked to your mom and are at the prom, it won't be as bad as you're imagining it might be.
If you think your parents will be more or less supportive, go for it. I have kids myself and at the end of the day, it's never kids' responsibility to have to manage their parents' feelings. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to upset them, but they are grown adults and they *will* survive, even if they're not immediately thrilled about it. Try not to look at it that way. People put wayyy too much pressure on prom to be this AMAZING night, when in reality it's just a nice evening that may or may not be that special. So keep your expectations in check and just view it as an opportunity to get dressed a bit fancier than usual and hang out with your friend. If it turns out to be more than that, awesome, but don't sweat it if it isn't. Having said all of that, if you really truly don't want to go, that's also totally fine. Just don't miss out on something you care about because anxiety got the better of you.
Hey everyone, thanks so much for replying! Sorry for the word vomit, it's probably pretty clear I wasn't in the most rational state of mind when I made this post. I talked to my friend today and she was very understanding. I guess that took some of the stress off so I'm feeling calmer now. For now I guess the pressing issue is dealing with my parents. And of course my feelings for my friend, but I can't exactly "resolve" those. "I'll bet you don't generally wear dresses so why would your mom think this would be any different? From your description it doesn't sound like she'd have an awful reaction to you saying you wanted to wear a pant suit. A smart pair of pants, button down shirt and tie looks just as good on a guy or a girl and there's no reason either one couldn't wear it. Maybe have a few pictures of women in suits that you could see yourself in and go prepared with them to your mom and just ask her if she could help you find the pieces you need to put the outfit together." I think she would expect me to, since I used to wear dresses a lot before I acknowledged my gender dysphoria last year and she's been kind of in denial of my gender non-conforming behavior. I guess I feel kind of bad about it since she's always seen me in a very femme light and tried to bond with me in a traditionally feminine way, so I'm apprehensive to show her that my behavior was just a mask. I know I'll have to eventually. That sounds like a good suggestion though, maybe reference pics would help normalize it for her. "If you're forced to go in a dress, buy a nice shirt and some dress pants from Goodwill and sneak them in." Thanks for the suggestion, I will consider doing something along those lines but I would feel guilty if my parents got me a nice dress and I didn't wear it. I don't really know how to get around that.:/ Also thanks for your perspectives Najlen and cakepiecookie, they really helped to ground me. I guess I'll just have to see if I can manage my work and calm down enough to handle prom.
