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Depressed over my life choices...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rob in FL, May 3, 2017.

  1. Rob in FL

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    I'm feeling a little lost, and hoping you all have some good advice.

    I'm male, married to a woman and have been out to her for 8 years. I initially asked for a divorce, but she convinced me to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kid... and because she didn't want to be that 'sad pathetic person' (my interpretation) she'd imagine herself to be. I probably should have insisted on that divorce, but I agreed and so far I have stuck it out. We have a nice, comfortable life, good jobs, nice house, etc. We enjoy each other's company (mostly), and our kid is growing up great...for a teenager. :lol:

    Here's my problem: we don't talk about it (and haven't for years and years), because it makes her very sad and bitter. We pretend nothing has changed... well, except that we haven't had sex in 8 years. Every now and then I go online and find a hookup. It's nice for a bit, but it's so damn sneaky and risky. Ugh.

    I'm a bit depressed over the whole thing but **I don't know what I want to change**. A divorce now would make our kid's teen years WAY more stressful and I don't feel good doing that. But I'm so tired - SO tired - of being in the closet to all my friends... who don't really know me at all. I don't feel right about hooking up, but I have to be honest - my hand and porn are not doing it for me either. I feel stuck, between two bad choices.

    Does anyone have any life changing advice?

    Many thanks,
    Rob
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Your both knowingly living a lie, and your doing it so only one half of the partnership is comfortable. How does that make any sense?

    Alternative one: She wants you to stay? Well in return for the sacrifice your making she needs to let you talk about it. As part of that discussion, you should be direct and tell her you need an open marriage.

    Alternatively two: separate and live your life the way your supposed to be.

    Don't use your teenager as an excuse not to be authentic, nor let you wife use your teenager for the same excuse.
     
  3. BostonStranger

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    Does your child know that you're gay? I'm no relationship expert, but I do have a background in developmental psychology. Puberty is the life stage in which people develop their own unique identity and start to become independent from their parents. That can be a very confusing time and they need stability and a sense of safety at home to get through it, so I get why you want to protect them as best as you can. It shows that you're a good parent and I commend you for that.
    However children do often notice when something is off in the relationship between their parents, which can cause some anxiety at home.

    I agree with OnTheHighway that she needs to at least let you talk about it, because you're entitled to be you. But I would like to add that if you are going to make some positive changes for yourself, it might be a good idea to carefully bring your child up to speed on the situation when you feel that they are ready for it. they'll be better off knowing what they can expect and it gives them the opportunity to voice any concerns and needs they might have.
     
  4. Creativemind

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    The only reason you should stay together for the kids is if you would be in severe financial trouble after a divorce.

    Otherwise, It's actually healthier for the kids to divorce if you aren't feeling it. They do pick up on negative things in the relationship. As an example, My Dad was emotionally abusive to my Mom and I picked it up when I was a teenager. Growing up, I became emotionally abusive to other people (as It's all I knew in the home), had severe trust issues and anger problems. My parents wouldn't divorce for similar reasons, but I feel I would have been better off and have had far less problems if they did.

    Now that's not to say that your situation is as severe as mine was, but a child can still pick up on a parent not being satisfied with the relationship and internalize this. It can create issues in their own life and in their future relationships, especially if martial affairs are involved between their parents.

    Better to get out now- it will probably be better for you in the long run.
     
  5. Rob in FL

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    Thank You for distilling it down like that. You're right on target. I appreciate it.

    ---------- Post added 3rd May 2017 at 07:15 PM ----------

    No, the kid (gender deliberately left out for privacy) doesn't know, or at least we haven't said anything. I know my wife well enough to know that she is mortified by the whole thing and will oppose any idea of telling the young'n. But this goes back to what the first poster said - my wishes need to enter into this too.

    ---------- Post added 3rd May 2017 at 07:17 PM ----------

    So damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'll wind up hurting my child regardless. You may be right here. :icon_sad:
     
  6. quebec

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    Rob in FL Hey Rob...I was a high school teacher for 41 years, recently retired. Let me tell you something about teenagers...they are sharper than adults realize...and they are much more accepting of members of the LGBTQ community than most adults. It's possible that your teenager has already figured you out. Even if they haven't, you might be surprised at how well they may take your honesty and accept your sexuality. In their world being not-straight is not usually a big thing...think about it....David
     
  7. angeluscrzy

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    Speaking only for myself, I had been honest with my kids from an early age about my past and that I had an attraction to guys. I still stayed in the relationship with their mother for many years tho, because everything was all about my girls, and trying to do right by them.
    Their mother and I never really did much to nurture the relationship between us, looking back now I see I was bever fully invested in it anyway. I was just doing what I was "supposed" to do (being with a woman).
    No matter what you may do to try and shield your child, these issues may seep thru in other ways. I know I have dealt with a very bad temper and I think a lot stemmed from trying to keep back all my feelings in regards to my sexuality.
    Ultimately, we cannot be the best parents to our kids when we are holding so much of ourselves back. Our kids are much better served to have parents that are as emotionally and mentally healthy as possible. Plus, it has the added benefit of just setting a good example to be true to oneself.
     
  8. Tomás1

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    Be honest & up front w your wife & kid. Tell them who u are & what u like. Maybe u want to stay in the same arrangement w them until your kid is older.

    There are no human qualities more important than authenticity & transparency. Don't live a lie. Be real. Most of your friends probably know the truth anyway.
     
  9. CameOutSwinging

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    These really are the two options you have. If there were an extremely pressing reason for you to stay in the marriage (finances, your wife being ill, etc) then I think there may be a level of it being not the worst thing if you just had your needs met elsewhere sexually (Dan Savage talks about this sometimes, doing what you need to for a marriage to work when you're genuinely stuck). But it doesn't sound like you're actually stuck, OP. Your teenager would be fine if you and your wife split up. And being comfortable isn't a reason to stay either.

    Now, mixed orientation marriages work for plenty of people, but at the end of the day it sounds like you want two things: 1-Not to lie and be in the closet about who you are, and 2-Sexual relationship(s) with men.

    Don't deny yourself, make it clear to your wife that one of these two scenarios needs to play out.
     
  10. Rob in FL

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    I wonder what would happen if I sent an anonymous survey to all of them :wink:

    ---------- Post added 4th May 2017 at 01:06 PM ----------

    Yep, that's right. Thank you all for helping me to realize this.
     
  11. I'm gay

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    My teenagers were far more accepting than I thought they would be. They were shocked initially, of course, but accepted me as a gay man pretty readily.

    Your belief that you WILL be hurting your child by coming out and divorcing is just your fears and not reality. I'm not suggesting that it won't be difficult, because it will, but you are holding onto an assumption based upon your fear.

    When I came out to my wife, I knew that I wanted out of the marriage, so for me staying together was never an option for us going forward. I certainly understand your desire to keep things intact for the sake of your child though. Maybe you are seeing now that choice was a mistake? It's not too late to correct that mistake.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  12. PatrickUK

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    It really sounds like you have both been tip toeing around the elephant in the room for far too long. You are suffering and I'm sure she is suffering in silence too. You have stayed together for eight years for the sake of your child (who is now a teenager), but what happens when he or she moves on? What excuses might be conjured up then to maintain the façade? I'm sorry if that question appears challenging, but I hope you can see where I am going with it.

    Yes, it is difficult to raise the issue when it causes so much pain and distress and that's why I am wondering if you would make more progress with a third persons involvement, in other words a relationship counsellor? What do you think?

    Relationship counselling will help you to find a way forward with as little pain as is possible. Some pain and upset is inevitable, but if you both commit to the process in a mature and sensible way you should be able to come to an arrangement that takes account of the feelings of both of you (and your child). In actual fact, relationship counselling could bring the two of you closer together - as friends.

    Thinking about your child is admirable and I will not criticise you for doing it, but I also agree that kids are more perceptive than we realise. You can still protect your son or daughters interests, without staying in an unfulfilling marriage.
     
  13. baristajedi

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    Hi Rob in FL,

    Im sorry for al the struggles you're going through. I made the decision to separate from my soon to be ex husband, we have a daughter, and I know how hard it can be to make that decision.

    Something that you said jumped out at me: I feel stuck, between two bad choices.

    I felt this too when I was thinking through the decision to separate. I remember phrasing it as deciding whether to stick a knife through my own back or my own stomach. Because sacrificing my own joy, identity, self, desires and needs felt like a terrible life sentence but breaking up my family felt heart wrenching.

    Still my gut told me to follow the path of separation, it felt like the right decision, however painful... and since Ive made that decision, my views have changed drastically in terms of this idea of two bad choices, looking back and at the present and towards the future I see that there's only one good choice. Separation is actually the best and happiest choice for my daughter, even for my (ex) husband, not just me.

    At least for me the way I see it is - a painful marriages that i would choose to stay in is pain that is consistent and lifelong for my whole family. My daughter feels and is poorly impacted by our unhappiness, my (ex) husband would never feel fully loved by me, and I would be giving up my self.
    But on the other hand, breaking up the family involves a grieving process, but one that ends, heals, and gives way to joy.

    I hope that helps a little to hear my perspective from the other side.
     
    #13 baristajedi, May 5, 2017
    Last edited: May 5, 2017
  14. Peterpangirl

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    Baristejedi
    I hope that I will one day feel at peace with the choice I am making to separate, just as you do. Still in the midst of it all and children and most people do not know. Haven't yet made the key decisions about how to make it work in practice, so still living in an uncomfortable transitional phase, certain that I'm not straight, but unable currently to envisage a future with anyone...

    Rob in FL - I empathise with your dilemma. It is certainly the biggest dilemma I have ever faced! Wishing you a peaceful resolution to your predicament. X
     
    #14 Peterpangirl, May 5, 2017
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  15. Rob in FL

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    baristajedi, thank you for this. Upon reflection, I think I'm not fearful of ending my marriage; I can live on my own and can see a happy future in that life. What I'm fearful of is not seeing my kid every day... not being a part of all the little events that keep a relationship close. Even assuming shared custody, it would still be like being away on a trip for a week then trying to catch back up the next week. I'm afraid it would drive us apart on some level. I think PatrickUK's suggestion of relationship counseling is probably the best place to start. Right now I have no idea how to even broach the subject with my wife. Again, this is all quite helpful and I really appreciate all of you.

    Rob
     
  16. PatrickUK

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    Hi again Rob

    I would suggest you make an appointment to see a relationship counsellor alone, sketch out the basic details (just as you have here) and take it from there. The counsellor may be able to suggest some ways to broach the subject with your wife and then bring her along to counselling. It's not going to be easy, but nor is the status quo.
     
  17. baristajedi

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    I know that fear too, I feared that as well, and I'm still in the middle of the separation, so I'm still working on my daughter adjusting to changes. But we've already started splitting our time, and one of the things I'm starting to see is that it seems actually very healthy and positive for her and for our relationship. The time we have together is better because I'm more focused and present, because I feel refreshed having a bit of space, and more fulfilled being able to take care of my own needs. In the meantime she has all this bonding time on her own with her dad when it's his turn. She seems really happy with the split time and I feel it strengthens our relationship.
     
    #17 baristajedi, May 6, 2017
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  18. baristajedi

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    I wanted to add a couple of things I forgot to put in my last post.

    First - i wanted to say I'm not trying to minimise the difficulty in any of this with my advice i've given, i know this decision really is daunting and separation is certainly challenging, but I see now that it's not just the better of two shitty options, in my case at least, it's actually the most positive and healthy option to separate.

    Also, I wanted to say, my daughter's small (nearly 5), so I don't have a lot of personal experience with a teenager, but i still believe that all i say about it being better for the children still stands. I know it will be difficult to tell your teen and help them adjust, but probably more so to the separation than your sexuality.

    I have one funny anecdote to share regarding teenagers, that highlights something i've been seeing with teens in general lately, at least in terms of being accepting of being gay :slight_smile:

    I was home last week visiting my family, everyone in my family has known I'm gay for a while (all the adults), and I also came out on facebook maybe a month ago, so now everyone in my life knows.... including any of the kids in the family who have facebook... So my sister-in-law tells me this conversation her son told her about. M, my nephew is chatting with R, my niece (11 and 12 years old), M says to R, hey R, you know Auntie S is gay?? R shrugs - yeah, so? Auntie S is gay.... so am I.

    :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

    My nephew (a different one - 14 years old, was one of the people who immediately liked my coming out post and my follow up photo of me with my girlfriend. It's apparent that all the kids in my family have experienced life very differently than me, in terms of being gay, most teens I know seem relatively accepting.

    I know it's different when it's your kid, but I think you should consider that your own kid loves you dearly, and likely ultimately wants the best for you, even if it changes their family life.
     
    #18 baristajedi, May 6, 2017
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
  19. charly4410

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    I would like to look at your situation from another angle. Even if you don’t tell your kid now, at one point in your life you will. And then what can you tell him/her? That you sacrificed your life for them… that puts a lot of responsibility on their shoulders, responsibility he/she didn’t ask for. It will also tell them that you weren’t honest with her/him, pretended to be someone else, and didn’t really take her/him seriously enough to be authentic.
    In my experience teenager kids appreciate if you’re being authentic and treat them as adults. The more adult they will react in return.
    Also, I think this idea of family is hammered into our brains. That children need their parents to be together and present this father-mother-child-nucleus. However, I think there’s a lot of ideology involved in that. In my opinion, children need to know that you love them, are there for them, and are interested in them as persons. They need your love and support but not necessarily our society’s idea of what family should look like.
    On a personal note, I’ve been separated/divorced from my husband for 7 years now, the kids spend time with him and me, and all my three kids are happy, mentally healthy and rooted in the firm conviction that both he and I are there for them. We are often so influenced by mainstream ideas, ideology … that we overlook what really is important or at the core of things…
    Just my thoughts…