Attracted to opposite sex in every way apart from having sex

Hi,

I've spent the last 3-4 years of my life constantly questioning my sexuality. Pretty much the only thing I've been certain of in that time is that I'm not straight but I have been unable to decide whether I'm bisexual of gay. If pushed I would say that I have identified as bisexual for the last 3 years.

I've only recently come to the conclusion that I must be gay. I have had numerous sexual encounters with women and 97% of the time I have been unable to get an erection when it comes to having sex. It's worth noting that from the very first time I tried to have sex with a women I was almost always VERY drunk. I was unable to perform on the first attempt and then over the years had various attempts, all of them very drunken one night stands apart from one sober attempt with a prostitute. On every occasion I could not rise to the occasion. My performance anxiety increased with each attempt.

I've had sexual encounters with maybe 10-12 women and always failed but it's only in the last year or so that I have started to really test things. I've always said things like 'oh I will be able to perform when I really find the right women' well recently I have found some of the right women. Women who tick the boxes in looks and specifically the type of sex that they are into - I have finally found women who are into the same kinky things I am into. And what's more - for the first time last week, I tried to have sex with a women completely sober. An attractive girl who was into exactly the same things I'm into. And I can't perform. Not at all. Not even slightly.

I have had sex with 4 men. 2 times were quick and poor encounters and a couple of them were satisfying and I could certainly perform. I've also been able to relatively easily perform with a few transgender women I have seen.

OK - must be gay then. Not bisexual but gay.

But, I can get an erection when I think about the same girl in my head. I can get an erection no problem then. I've only ever watched straight porn and that's through choice - I accepted long ago that I'm at least bisexual and would happily watch gay porn but I just prefer straight porn. I watch the guys and the girls. I often wonder how my porn contributed to my confusion.

I only ever notice women in the streets and on TV. I know the attractive ones constantly actually and men never. I've never been able to get erections for sex but I've had a similar number of sexual encounters which just involved kissing and touching and out of the 10-12 times I got erections far more often than not. I crush on girls. There is no doubt that I deeply appreciate the beauty of a women whether that attraction has ever been sexual I don't know. I only crave intimacy with women - I want to passionately kiss and to cuddle with them.

All of this and yet I simply cannot have sex with them.....it breaks my heart. But is that just because my brain so desperately wants to be straight. For the first time ever I am going to give up on the belief that I must be some form of bisexual. I am going to try and embrace only the gay side and see if I can bring on the emergence of feelings which I simply have never in my life had for men until now.

 

I would be inclined to agree with both of you but it seems hard to imagine finding a female partner who didn't want sex to form some part of the relationship. It doesn't sound impossible it just seems very unlikely. Unlikely enough to make it seem like a bad choice if I were to spend the rest of my life waiting for it to happen. It may never happen. It's that reason alone that makes me want to really try and be in a relationship with a guy. In all honesty, apart from the sex, I have no desire to be with a man in any other way. The trouble is I'm not sure a women would want to be with me and whilst I have been happily single most of my life, I do have a deep desire to settle down with someone and spend the rest of my lift with them. I have struggled so much to make that happen with a women.

 

But thats the thing I AM attracted to the opposite sex. Just that when it comes to actual sex I can't get an erection. Perhaps the attraction I feel is purely the fabric of my imagination. Created by subconscious as a way to cling onto the thought that I may settle down with a women the way that my consious mind would like to.

Porn certainly is not a good indicator and I said, I'm sure it's contributed to a lot of the confusion over the years (after a few years of trying I have now given up porn completely for over 6 months).