I want to be a drag queen

I've been nervous about posting this for a long time but honestly, it's just time to take a deep breath and be totally open about everything. It is what it is. I'm not ashamed of who or what I am but I know some (probably most) people are going to say this makes me a cis girl aka not trans. I still bind and pack even when I dress in drag and I still want to go ahead with T and surgery, more than ever actually so I guess that's all that really matters. It's weird but this is what made me 100% sure that I was definitely transgender because even in girls' clothing and makeup, I knew I wanted a male body so...yeah, there's not really much more to say about that.

To continue with the honesty: I have one dress that used to be my mother's, I wear it only when I want to dress up in drag. Other times I wear male clothes. She wanted to give it to me because she wanted me "more feminine", I don't think this is what she had in mind :lol: I wear makeup only on these occasions too, very campy and exaggerated. I taught myself through trial and error but I got the basic idea from 80s glam metal bands, believe it or not...I do have a drag name but I don't want to share it because I'm too proud of it and don't want anyone stealing it :icon_wink I would've never considered something like this but I remember, something happening maybe a year or so ago. I had someone tell me that a persona I'd created sounded like a drag persona and that I should look into it. I felt a bit silly about it because come on, I'm FTM and I'm not "supposed" to like girly things. But then one of my friends persuaded me to text them some photos of me with my makeup done. I'd never shown anyone before. They said that they loved it and told me I should do it all the time...and after getting so much positive feedback, I finally decided to try full drag (dress, makeup, hair, etc).

Just a bit of background, I'm affected by dysphoria really badly. I get constant headaches from the stress of it all, sometimes full-blown migraines. I have medication for it but that doesn't fix it completely, it's really something I have to just wait to pass. I'm also on antidepressants, my depression ranges from mild to severe but is usually more severe. The day before I decided to dress fully in drag, I had my first bad migraine of the year. I had to leave school early and I just slept for an extra five or six hours. The next morning I woke up with a (mild) nosebleed but at least my headache had mostly gone away. I felt terrible, I'd gone from completely fine to completely depressed in the course of maybe two days. I decided to go ahead with my plan anyway. I think it took an hour to get ready because I had to bind, pack, work out how to put on the dress (lol), then there was the makeup and I think I used half a can of hairspray too One of my gay friends had gotten me into ABBA, I never used to see the appeal but he'd sing their songs so often, it eventually grew on me. So I started playing Dancing Queen and (since no one was home) singing at the top of my lungs. I still had the dysphoria, I mean I could feel the disconnect there but it was like, in the moment none of that mattered. I was having fun and I literally started laughing hysterically, not because I thought it was funny but it was the first time in a long time I'd felt good about myself and like I had a future. I felt like I had somewhere I belonged, like there was a place for me in this world and some direction I guess.

I'm going to tell my grandmother tomorrow, maybe my grandfather. I have said this before but I don't expect anyone to really remember since it's a minor detail, I'm much closer to my maternal grandparents than my actual parents and my grandmother was actually the one who supported me with being masculine in the first place. It might sound funny but since she thinks all drag queens are gay men, I'm hoping that saying I want to be a drag queen will be the first step towards coming out as trans FTM and gay and that this will sort of ease her into the idea.

Thank you for reading, if anyone read this :icon_redf I'm going to post my grandma's reaction tomorrow. It's not a full coming out or anything but it's certainly not want you'd expect your teenage "granddaughter" to say. Oh yeah and plus, I just wanted to let everyone know. I was so nervous to say all this but it's something that makes me really happy and I just want to be as open as possible here

 

Thank you everyone, I told my grandmother and I promised I'd post what she said so here it is. I sent her a text saying, "Grandma I'm gonna be a drag queen!!!" Two minutes later, she sent me, "That's good, [birthname]!!! A career for you to aim for. Let me know if you need any makeup tips " We really did use all those exclamation points, I wasn't just exaggerating ^^ Although her response makes me wonder if she thought I was joking, I'm probably being paranoid as always, I expected her to be fine with it anyway so I just got another text from her saying, "Just thought you may mean lifestyle not career!! If you are a vet assistant or child care person in drag you may frighten the animals or little children " I don't know what she means by "drag lifestyle" but I mean, she may have a point there. I never planned to work with little kids or animals anyway so I'm all good. I told her that no one just wore drag all the time and she said okay and that she'd see me after work (with a kiss face). So that was the first twenty minutes of my day, now I really want to go back to bed :sleep:

 

It totally makes sense, you can wear female clothing without being female It's the same as a cis guy wearing a dress and/or makeup, doesn't make him a girl. And with makeup, I felt a little awkward the first time but at the same time, I knew it was what I wanted. You won't really know if you like it unless you try it so I say go ahead Also, doubts are pretty normal, every trans person I know has had them at some point so don't stress too much!