Hello everyone ! I am really really confused right now and i could use some help figuring things out... Since 2015, i started getting really close with a girl friend of mine. She was just getting out of a relationship, and i was there to support her, and we started being more than friends but less than lover : we did everything couples do, going to movie, to the beach, cuddling while watching TV and sleeping together, but we didn't make out or have sex. The thing that was incredibly frustrating to me was that i never cared for anybody as much as i cared for her, the emotional connection i had with her was just so intense... But as you may have guessed, i had not enough desire for sex to get to the next level, so i never asked her out. Clearly that situation was ment to end one day, and two weeks ago she kissed one of my close friend at a party ( i wasn't there). When the said friend, out of guilt , told me what happened, i got very sick in my stomach, i threw up, i screamed, i cried and i didn't eat the week after. After that i said goodbye to her and bloqued her permanently on every social media we shared. Right now i am devastated, because i believe that she is (at an emotional level at least) my soulmate, but i can't ask her to date me as i don't feel enough desire for sex toward her. Now why am i telling you this ? Because first, i feel the same way about pretty much every girl. But i have to say i absolutely loved hugging and cuddling with her, and i really think she is (to me), the most attractive girl i have ever met. So when i realised i didn't really want to have sex with her on a regular basis, i questionned myself on my sexual orientation, and i've been starting doing so shortly after meeting her for the first time (so a little less than two years now). Right now, what i know is that i do fantaisize on men as well as girls, but the "gay" fantaisies turn me on more than the hetero ones (but sometimes it shifts...). But when i am in the real world, watching at random men, i feel nothing, and i don't think i can ever have a strong emotionnal connection with men, compared to the one i experience pretty easily with women. I also know that i actively pursue female attention and i crave female affection (hugging girls, sleeping with girls, being physically close to girls but not necessarily in a sexual way). And lastly, when i persuade myself to be either hetero,gay or bi, it seems to be true when i decide it, and the day after my attraction change (or disappear) and i feel even more confused... So the question would be : What i am ? Why do i crave female affection so much and yet don't desire to go further with any of them ? And finally why does the attraction i feel in reality is so different compared to the thing i fantasize on when i'm home ? Please send help :'(
Sometimes relationships don't need sex to work Just be you, don't choose a label unless it chooses you Peace & hugs
Thanks for the replies Well the thing is i am pretty sure i am not assexual i do have a sex drive but i don't know where to direct it, you know ? And the reason i chose not to date her is that to me you can't ask somebody to pretty much give up on sex if that matter to them or ultimately they will blame you for it.. Anyway that was a kinda toxic relationship so i feel like it was the good decision even though i miss her terribly.. But right now i really need to find what my orientation is before dating anyone.. I feel like i've had enough questionning..
I used to not really feel anything looking at random girls walking about, in part because I was kinda repressing my reactions and trying hard to focus on guys, and a lot of times I still don't. But I definitely notice girls way more than guys now. I also used to think a strong romantic/emotional connection with a girl was out of the question. I'm not saying that you're gay, straight or bi-- only you can figure that out-- but that you might want to continue exploring your orientation a bit more. Internalized homophobia a lot of times can make us have negative feelings and associations with same gender attraction, and it can make adopting lgbt labels pretty stressful. So rather than worrying about what exactly you qualify as, for now you could try just exploring and letting yourself feel and explore attraction for people regardless of what their gender is or without trying to push yourself to feel attraction for certain people.
To me I think You definitely have interest in woman. Like others have said above you don't need sex to make a relationship. There are plenty of people in very committed relationships that aren't that sexually engaged with one another that is perfectly fine. Sorry you had your heart broken. I think you need to figure out your relationship with sex to begin with. What family background do you come from? I come from a very conservative family and their views on sex is that sex should only happen when wanting to pro-create (not out of pleasure/enjoyment.) In addition I was taught I should only have sex when I get married. For all you know you may have been taught this even if it wasn't directly told to you. I'm a female so my advice may not be the greatest.....but I hardly notice men on the street. My head is always turning and looking at very attractive females. When I am at home I am on mostly instagrams of women who are very attractive... I get fascinated by women. I don't hang around on my computer looking at a bunch of males and getting fascinated by men on these social media platforms like my female friends do. When I am around a girl and I develop feelings I want to touch her. I want to do a lot of things for her. While I identify as bisexual. Males when they hit on me I get a panic feeling... when they try to kiss me I want to turn away. I don't care for sex with men really it's awkward for me. The only reason I identify as bisexual is I can't deny the fact that there have been a few men I have deeply cared for beyond a friend. I am not sure how your relationship with your mother plays into it all because there are straight men who have horrible relationships with their mother but love being with women. If it helps at all....I don't actively pursue the attention of men...I actually feel disturbed when a man becomes focus on me. I don't crave male's attention. To me this description you gave here to me shows you don't have a strong attraction to men...you definitely have a stronger draw to females/women. I think sexual needs wax and wane like the moon...sometimes you are in the mood for it and sometimes you aren't. But the fact that you at least like being sexual with women even if you don't want sex as much as your girl-friends/sex partners have...doesn't make you any less straight or any less of a man. Hopefully this has helped a bit. ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2017 at 06:17 PM ---------- Also like everyone else said... Just live your life and let time tell. Go for whoever you are attracted to...explore whatever feelings come up. If you come from a conservative family/social surrounding you may have moments of feeling ashame. I definitely go through cycles of feeling shame and that been happening since I was 11 or 12. I'm in my mid 20's now.
Seeking, you sound like a lesbian to me, but I don't know what your past experiences with guys were like and what you choose to identify as is your business. I too have cared deeply for a guy in the past, I would even say I was in love with him to some capacity. What I mean by "to some capacity" is that I still never wanted to kiss him or really sleep with him, but I did want to be very close to him and I did get jealous of other people were close to him from time to time. So in other words, it was more of a deep platonic love. I was heartbroken when he rejected me (and relieved haha), but when you are that close to someone and have such high expectations and assumptions I think that is natural. I still have a lot of affection for men, but to me the kinds of relationships I can develop with men are closer to platonic than romantic. I mean, if I found a guy whose personality meshed with mine I could maybe marry him if we slept in different beds, never had sex, and never kissed, but at that point I feel like we'd be more roommates than spouses or life partners.
CameOutSwinging, my relationship with my mother is allright, so i don't think it's connected to that.. seeking and rainyday, i think your past relationship with men are a lot similar of mine with women, except from what i reading i enjoy physical closeness while you don't want anything past the purely emotionnal connection. When you said "I was heartbroken when he rejected me (and relieved haha)", i am feeling the same right now because as much as i love her i don't think a sex-less relationship with a non-assexual woman could have ended any other way (altough i won't lie to you, i feel more sad than relieved for now but i trully think that "break up" was for the best). Finally i have to admit that although my family isn't what you would call a conservative one, sex is a kinda taboo topic. Thanks for the reply, you are awesome
Well thanx for your reply rainyday I have thought about it.. am I a lesbian? I hooked up with an ex maybe in December 2016...I didn't mind having sex with him and I enjoyed it to a certain extent. While I am not usually into guys... I am suspecting if I gain an emotional connection with one I could be comfortable with sex and actually desire sex. I am still going to let time tell me who I truly am. So always a chance I am just homosexual. I was heart broken over this guy that I broke up with not too long ago... I am still working through those feelings as to what these feelings mean. It was a complex relationship...not sure if it's just pure disappointment that he isn't who i wish he was or am I heart broken because my heart/love was crushed or me failing at trying to accomplish a straight relationship. I do go through period of where for a month of two long I feel so much shame for having same sex attraction....for wanting to kiss a girl and be very close to her. I even get jealous when she pays more attention to someone else. Do I see myself with another guy anytime in the near future? Not at all....I really am rarely ever attracted to a guy and it seems to me the only way I end up becoming attracted to a guy is by first being friends with a guy and then loving his personality. But, the question is am I just acting out what I was taught or are my feelings genuine. I'm still figuring it out... I been on this rollercoaster since 2006/2007 and I'm reaching the age 25. Anyway i remember back then there was only something like google answers or yahoo (i think yahoo was bigger)...anyway I was told back then "You can only know once you have sex with a male." Well being with a guy sexually is sort of monotone for me...when I get intimate with a female I am really drawn in. But I always wonder am I just more aware...more drawn in because I am doing something taboo... The million thoughts in my mind. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2017 at 11:25 AM ---------- Well hope it was helpful. I would just explore your feelings...let experience and life really help you in figuring out what label (or if a label is even useful.)
I was thinking, perhaps you don't really want to have sex with women because you've been taught growing up it's not normal or desirable or maybe even that its a bad thing?
I think i have several issues going on at the same time that prevent me from thinking straight (no pun intended ) ! I'm considering taking an appointement with a specialised therapist to clear things out. In the mean time, i will try to be open-minded and listen to myself more. seeking, i hope you will find answers to your questions. All i can tell you is that you don't have to feel ashamed to have same sex attraction. And if you are in fact heterosexual or bi and need to be friend with the guy first before wanting more, that's perfectly fine too I can't really help you because i'm asking myself the exact same questions you're struggling with , but you have my full support.
Counseling may help...always good to hear your thoughts outloud. I at least know I am not straight...but am I bisexual. I am not sure. I just consider myself bisexual just because I can't say being with a guy is out of scope or out of a possibility right now. Even though I don't seek sex with men or even emotional intimacy. I did fall in love with my best female friend. Comparing my attraction....female win over men. They do say you grieve your heterosexuality when you are accepting homosexuality.
"And lastly, when i persuade myself to be either hetero,gay or bi, it seems to be true when i decide it, and the day after my attraction change (or disappear) and i feel even more confused..." Wow I totally feel this all the time... I decide that i am bi and it feels so true and im excited that ive found a label and then the next day I reject that completely. I think its especially hard to find a label that feels right when romantic and sexual attractions do not line up (for me at least) because when people say bisexual, heterosexual, or homosexual its kind of inferred that they also like the person romantically. reading your thing, I have a sorta similar experience except that im a woman- I fell in love with my best friend who's a girl and want a relationship with her (cuddling and holding hands and being close, kissing) but I don't want to do anything past that I dont think (at least not sexually). I know i like men but im not sure about my sexual attraction to women. Ive been looking into labels for myself and know that im at least biromantic heterosexual, or possibly heterosexual and more demisexual when it comes to girls. For me it helps to split romantic and sexual attraction up and find a label that way that feels most true to what i've experienced best wishes!
