Today Was A Tough Day

I am not married (no sig other) and figuring out my sexuality has been challenging. I can only imagine it would be exponentially harder with a husband. How do you think he would react to a discussion about bisexuality (a new found attraction to the same gender when you have only been attracted to males before)?
Not sure at all what the "right" thing to do here is.

 

This sounds so familiar. Discovering yourself seems so overwhelming. It sounds like we are in similar places in our journey. My first therapy appointment was yesterday. I walked out of there feeling so much better, but today was hell.

I've been trying out some gay apps to talk to guys. I've made mistakes and given into temptation there before, but I've found it very helpful to be very clear about my situation, married, and my goals, friends and conversation. There are other people like us out there and it's ok to chat with them. Know your boundaries and stick to them.

On hard days, I try to remind myself that all my days aren't hard. A good one will come along soon. It seems like the universe owes me a bunch of good days right now!

Hang in there. I won't tell you it's easy, but I can tell you, you aren't alone.

 

Just imagine what it would feel like to be intimate with a woman. I've seen this advice a lot around here. Don't know how well it works as a test, but I imagine it would work well

 

I know how you feel so much it's scary. I too feel better when I talk to my therapist (or email the one friend who knows- and the only one who won't ditch me for it). But then I have doubts creep in.

I can really relate to the not feeling like I would know for sure unless I try it. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...o-i-have-cheat-my-husband-know-if-im-gay.html is a thread I started just after I came here. I've been told people who are straight don't fantasize about the same sex. They don't find stories and movies (not porn but romantic/sexually tense movies) about same sex relations attractive, and more so then heterosexual ones. They don't "girl-watch". I do all those things.

And what has kept me on this journey, and why I haven't just said that I'm straight for the sake of my family is this: why would I invent this? Out of all the twisted things I could do for attention or to manipulate people or whatever, why on earth would I say "Hey you know what? I know I've thought that I'm heterosexual and lived that way my whole life, despite having same sex attactions dating back to junior high/high school, but you know what sounds great? I'll pretend I can't ignore it anymore, totally restart my life after 35, so that I can hurt my husband, hurt my children, and lose all my friends!" *insert heavy sarcasm* I won't even go into the horrific notion that going back on the dating scene is to me.

I'm willing to bet it's the same for you. (*hug*)

I can't pm yet, but if you want to talk more feel free to post on my wall. Our journeys seem very much alike.

 

I wish I could be more helpful. I'm not too good at the whole advice thing, but I try

 

I don't even live with my husband and I go through and delete a lot of my viewing activity. I allow sites like this one to stay on my home screen, because realistically no one is going to see my computer but me. But I got a separate Amazon account, separate Netflix account, everything, so I could read books or watch something and not worry about it coming up in my recommendations. My favorite movies so far are "Better than Chocolate", "Imagine Me and You", and for a fun comedy "But I'm a cheerleader". I have "Kiss Me" on my next to view though.

I'm going to school too. What are you studying? I'm a psychology major.

Even days I'm busy I think about this a lot. It's kinda always in the background. I know what you mean about knowing it and not being ready to admit it to yourself. I recently changed my status on the little sidebar from "questioning" to ">99% sure..." and even that tiny change on a gay-focused site took me about 30 minutes to make, not because I think it's wrong but because I think it's right.

Given your background, you've obviously tried everything to live another life without this attraction. You wouldn't have asked for this, but it's there and it has to be dealt with. At least that's what I'm telling myself...

 

Your situation resonates with me. I was married with two kids and for year's i suppressed my feelings for women. It was probably about two years ago that i finally started to accept that I'm not straight, though i wasn't exactly sure because I'd never done anything more than kisss a woman, which yes, i did enjoy but it wasn't enough "proof" that i was definitely bi.
My ex husband went through my internet history and discovered my secret and i spent 18 months in hell, things were never the same. We are now separated and while my interest in girls wasn't the main factor, it did play a role.
Since the separation i have spent time with a woman and discovered that my feelings were real, and I'm not straight. I'm not saying that you separate from your husband or anything like that, but i think you should trust your instincts. You know how you feel and you should trust those feelings.

Good luck!

 

That sounds great. Right now I'm thinking I'm going to go for my doctorate because I'm interested in research. But we'll see.

That is so very much where I am. I want to start moving into my new life but I can't bring myself to talk with my husband. There are some legit concerns in that department with his temper and our custody situation, but he deserves to know before anyone else does. I signed up to go to an LGBT women's meetup event and I still haven't told him. Now, there is a zero percent chance of running into anyone I know there but I still feel guilty; I feel like I owe him being the first to know, and he's been my best friend for so long it's very strange to be hiding everything important going on in my life (with my faith as well as my sexuality; my closet is doing double duty at the moment. :icon_wink) And even if I was willing to set my feelings aside and try to fix the marriage (it's complicated) I don't know if I think that's fair to him. If it were reversed I wouldn't want to be married to a man who was wanting to be with another man, regardless of how I feel about homosexuality.
Do you ever worry about how your children will feel; if with the beliefs you've raised them in they will turn on you or not want to be with you or something?

I'm not...ashamed of it, I just wish I could find a way that allowed me to keep my old life but I don't think there is one. When I acknowledged this openly for the first time, even though it was only to myself and one other friend, it was like I opened a door I can't shut. I'm sure it's the same for you.

 

I really sympathise with you, it's such a hard situation.
As for your sons teacher, i actually really understand the need to want to talk with her, to connect with someone in the lgbt community. My sons teacher was actually one of the first few people i came out to. She's a lesbian and actually confided in me that she was, she's not out at school. We have a really good relationship and we talk about quite personal things. I ended up telling her i wasn't straight a little while ago, and while we don't talk about it often, a casual mention here and there, it's comforting. You don't have to make a big deal about it but if you have a good relationship with her and you talk already, maybe consider just casually dropping it in? You don't have to go in to details, maybe just saying you're not exactly straight and take it from there...?

 

I was already divorced when I started questioning my sexuality, and eventually began a relationship with a woman. (But honestly, reflecting on my life there were all kinds of signs along the way that I have always been a lesbian, but just denied that part of me...)

People here really do understand your struggle! And many find themselves in the same position. I definitely can see why you would want to talk to your sons teacher about what you are experiencing, since she too was once married, has children and is now with a woman. But I understand your reluctance to just randomly bring this topic up.

However, since you are in school to get into the teaching profession, I am wondering if you could ask her if she would mind meeting you for coffee to discuss some school issues. Maybe ask for her advice on classes to take, or some insight into the various roles and specialties you can get into in a school system? After all this is totally valid too, you really do want to become an educator! And she really does have expertise in this field. No pressure to bring up the sexuality thing, but if the conversation seems to lend itself to that, and you feel comfortable, you certainly can. At least this gives you a 'valid' opening to do so.

And just as a side note, if an acquaintance of mine approached me and said, 'Hey Moonsparkle, I remember you were married for a long time and then you ended up with a woman, I think I might be going through the same sort of thing, can I talk to you about it?' I would be happy to talk with them. I have had the children of friends approach me about the field of work I am in, thinking they might want to study this in college. They just want info on the reality of working in this field...and again
I am more than happy to meet with them to discuss it.

I guess what I'm saying is that most people are more than willing to share information about anything they have 'expertise' in. Most people are happy to help people along the way...I know sexuality is a much more loaded topic than college courses, but I still think most people who have been there(and are out themselves) would be quite open to discussing it. All the best to you

 

This. I haven't told anyone except my therapist and you guys, but now it's all consuming. A steamroller that is running over my entire life. I don't want to stop it, but there has to be a way to turn it off sometimes so I can live my life while I work it out.

 

No worries. I knew what you meant. I wish I could feel so firm that I'm not ashamed. I think I'm mostly not, but I'm sure that as long as I've believed homosexuality is wrong I'm still dealing with that a little. A lot of people I know act disgusted by gay people too. Although I have to say the attitude is more negative towards two men then two women, at least in my experience.

My children already aren't living with me, so that's something they've already had to deal with. I'd like to have more custody then I do but I have to get to where I can afford a place big enough for them. Right now I'm renting a room because that's about what I can afford. Right now I know my husband would be open to it, and I'm worried that when I come out he won't be. I'm going to have to talk to him soon. I'm beginning to face some questions that are getting hard to answer, like why I've stopped going to church.

My kids range between 5 and 15, and we have a large family. So several of them are old enough to have been raised in our faith for a while, and to have at least on some level have it become theirs. Although we've never taught them it's ok to make fun or be mean to people, that doesn't mean they would be ok with their mom embracing a way of life we always told them was sinful.

I don't know for sure that I'm going to go for my doctorate, but I'm really considering it. I like the idea of doing counseling, which you can do with a master's, but I also like research and that is a doctorate.