..how have you reconciled it in your mind? Did you always know on some level you were LGBT? Or has it been a surprise? I always knew I was attracted to women, but I can honestly say I was happy with my husband; I wasn't settling and I wouldn't have married him if I was attracted to and in love with him. And yet, even in the happiest times of our marriage, this attraction to women was still there. I sometimes wonder if I could stuff it again, but then I wonder if, were the situation reversed, I would want my husband to stuff it, even if I believed it was wrong? I don't think I would, I don't think that benefits anyone. At the same time, if I'm bisexual, I'm capable of being romantically attracted to a man and who better then the father of my children? On the other hand, I am really craving being with a woman, not just sexually, but to feel what it would be like to hold her hand, to kiss her, to have that electric-style chemistry with a woman. Straight people don't do that, right. I've read about people whose marriages were never happy or people who were emotionally but not sexually attracted to their spouse, but not as many as had happy marriages, so I thought I'd ask.
My views on my marriage have evolved over time as I have better understood myself and reflected on the past. With that, I look back at my marriage with fond memories. And, indeed, I would describe the marriage as a happy marriage while it was intact. However, I need to bifurcate between a happy marriage and my own emotional happiness. Did I build an emotional wall? Absolutely. Did that emotional wall lead me to feel neglected? Again, yes. Was that a situation I created? Yes, I created the foundation that lead me to limit my own happiness for the benefit of a happy marriage. At the same time, while my ex wife would probably agree we had a happy marriage, I also am confident she would agree that she also felt emotional limitations just the same. Although, given the overall positive nature of the marriage, it is all the more reason why my ex-wife was so hard hit when we separated. Does this all seems a bit of a contradiction? I think it does, but is understandable nonetheless. A happy marriage is made up of a lot of things. Personal happiness overlaps many of those, but is more encompassing on an individual level. While my marriage was happy, I ignored my personal happiness. As time went on, the lack of personal happiness began to creep up on me in unexpected ways. All the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them. Ultimately, as I have stated in many prior threads, the emotional wall, lack of personal happiness, all does seem to catch up - at least it did for me. When this happens, I was no longer able to ignore my own personal happiness. So, as you evaluate your marriage, I trust you are also be evaluating your personal happiness, and see how much alignment there is between the two.
OnTheHighway - I am interested to understand more about what you mean by "I ignored my personal happiness. As time went on, the lack of personal happiness began to creep up on me in unexpected ways. All the signs were there, but I chose to ignore them" As a person who is in the midst of emotional turmoil and change of identity, I am curious. Are you saying that had you worked on other aspects of your marriage you think you could've remained married, despite being gay?
Very good question. And one that I have previously asked myself. While there is really no need for "what ifs", I have concluded that my marriage was never built on a solid foundation. As such, the chance for success never existed. To explain, my ex wife focused on our children while I focused on my career. That became the unspoken partnership we had formed as I hid behind an emotional wall and never made myself vulnerable to her. I made sure to provide for her and our family, I took great care of them and made sure they all had what they neeed. My wife and children went on trips with me, we all spent time together, they had clothes, food, proper shelter, etc. but we were never truly emotionally connected. This emotional wall lead me to feel neglected. But while I felt neglected, I am the one that has needed to take responsibility for having built the wall to begin with. Had I not built the wall, had I made myself vulnerable to my family, I might have had both a happy marriage and be happy at the same time. The emotional wall was my protection while gay and closeted. For me, the only way to free myself of the wall was to come out and be genuine to myself. The only way I could be truly happy was to live my life as a proud gay man. This is what I am doing today. I could not live as a proud gay man while remaining in a heterosexual marriage. It simply was not meant to be. A marriage built on a false foundation will ultimately see that foundation crack. When I no longer could contain my sexuality, when it needed to come out, when it forced itself upon me, whatever foundation there was that I built no longer existed. Drinking, weight gain, sleepless nights, uncontrolled anger all came to the forefront as my sexuality worked to break itself out from inside of me. I tried to contain it as long as I could; but in the end, human nature prevailed, and my marriage was over.
I can totally identify with what you are saying. I'm going through the same thing. I think those same thoughts every single day. It's so tough. It's like being on an emotional rollercoaster.
