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Being in a straight relationship

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mifora, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. Mifora

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    It has been a while since I posted anything here, but for the past year I have been accepting my same sex attraction and struggling with my label. I know now that the label is not really the issue, but since I started thinking about myself as a bisexual, I have been feeling calmer and happier.

    The problem is, that even though I have felt sexual and romantic attraction to both men and women in the past, my attraction to women feels stronger at this moment, which would not be a problem if I wasn't in a relationship with a man.

    When I first met him, I fell so much in love, and all I could think about was how much I wanted a future with him - marriage, children and a life together. When we first started dating, I don't remember feeling attracted to women at all, but I might have repressed it. When I met him, I thought my "bisexual phase" was just the result of teenage hormones.

    Now we have a child together, and I think everything about our relationship is going really well. But except for him, I am primarily attracted to women with some exceptions, and that scares me a lot, because I can't imagine a life without him. Even when I try to set aside my desire to avoid hurting him and my fear about breaking up the family and ruining my relationship with my child (and those fears are not easy to set aside!), I really, really want him in my life, and I want our relationship to continue. I realize that I am physically attracted to women, but I don't feel the need to be with a woman - but will it stay that way? I just want to go on living my life with him, having more children, moving to a new home, but can I do that when I am not 100 percent certain of my orientation? And will I ever be?

    Am I just kidding myself? Will I end up identifying as a lesbian, getting divorced and breaking his heart? I know no one has the answer to these questions, but has anyone had these thoughts before? How did you find out what was the right thing to do? What would you want to say to your past self?
     
  2. Mj5963

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    Hi there so I am married for almost 30 years with three kids all in 20's out of the house and I have been exploring my same sex attraction to guys for many years and my wife now knows as she discovered it 7months ago. We have been in lots of herspy and having amazing open discussions about my fidelity and my sexuality . She now knows I am not straight and I have a sexual attraction to other men . We are striving to stay together becUse we love each other enough and hbe had an amazing life to not try it either the knowledge of everything . Won't get into all the details about why the infidelity but at minimum she knows it is real and me being bi sexual at minimum is very real too. So I believe open honesty is your only option . Let home know about your sexual attraction seek therapy for your self and as a coupe . There is a way to find happiness together as we are living proof it can happen.
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I dont have any experience in your situation but I have been on EC a while and a lot of the bisexual people on here often say that their sexuality fluctuates. Sometimes their feelings for men are stronger and sometimes their feelings for women are stronger. Their are people who think they are bisexual when they first accept their same sex feelings and then later decide they are actually gay but it doesnt always happen this way.
    If you want to be with your man, and I mean actually want to be with him rather than want to be with him just because you dont want to break up the family and you still have feelings for him then there is no reason you shouldnt be able to have a life with him.
     
  4. Mifora

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    Thank you so much for the advice. I have already told him everything, and for now things are going very well. When I just focus on the present, I feel pretty happy, but when I think about the future, it can be terrifying.

    Has your levels of attraction towards men and women always been the same, or has it been more fluid? And - if you don't mind me asking - how has the way you define you sexuality changed since you started exploring it?

    ---------- Post added 24th Apr 2017 at 10:25 AM ----------

    Thank you! I feel like my sexuality has been really fluid, and sometimes it drives me crazy because it makes me wonder if I just imagined things in the past.

    It is also really hard to explain to someone with very stable preferences- especially if that person is your partner and the last thing you want is to hurt them.

    I think that if I was really a lesbian, I would feel like there was something missing in my relationship - especially our physical relationship. I feel really happy with him, and everything is going pretty well, but off course I have never been with a woman, so I don't know how that would feel.
     
    #4 Mifora, Apr 24, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
  5. ECnewbie

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    I am in a similar situation where I am attracted to women and the physical attraction with my husband isnt there (he is very good looking but just doesnt have the effect a female does), so have the same concerns that I wont be able to last with that side missing forever. So I understand wgat your going through and have to make some tough decisions soon too
     
  6. Mifora

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    I am so sorry about your situation, these things are really difficult. I hope you reach the right decision soon and find the right path for you.

    Can I ask you how you know something is missing? Personally I don't feel like something is missing, but sometimes I worry that something is missing and I don't know it - does that even make sense?
     
  7. ECnewbie

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    Well I fell bad for a woman and unfortunately cheated which I massively regret and would never endorse as its caused a lot of hurt. If I could take it back I would. I thought it would be an innocent kiss but I felt passion and real desire for the first time. I then seperated for that and other reasons. We are now looking at getting back together. While I never thought I was a sexual person or it was a big deal despite my love for him I do miss the butterflies and attraction. While some of that goes away I do feel like I could be living a lie if I ignore this. Its not the same going back once you've felt that. Innocence is bliss.

    Not sure it helps your situation but I do think you should explore your feelings in some way. For me talking didnt help it was actually kissing someone that changed things.
     
  8. Omla

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    I am a 59-year-old man in a similar situation in many ways .
    I feel that in terms of relationships and love I'm oriented toward women and I'm probably sexually more attracted to man though in terms of things other than actual intercourse or I suppose I may actually be more attracted to women.

    I suppose since I'm not that drawing to having a relationship with a man I got myself off going to male masseuses in Manhattan, gradually trying more stuff and staying within the bounds of safety.

    I might go further at some point soon and try anal intercourse and like you I'm worried that if I get involved in that I'll realize that I really want to just be with a man I suppose perhaps relationship wise as well though I've never felt anything in that way.

    It's been really tough for me honestly and I'm very sympathetic with your situation I feel there are a lot of societal pressures to be I suppose mono sexual (you would call it)....

    My only advice to you is that I found that the less guilty I feel about my situation and the less I force myself to "confront my homosexuality the more I get close to understanding who I am and even the more things I try with men.....

    Just thought I'd share...

    I do feel much more comfortable with myself and I ever have though
    Good luck and be well Alan
     
  9. Mifora

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    I have thought about that a lot, and I would definitely explore my feelings if I was not in a relationship, but I don't want to cheat, and opening up the relationship is not really an option - at least not right now. So I will have to leave my partner or stay in the relationship and leave my feelings unexplored. I have chosen to stay with him, because that is what my feelings tell me I want, but when I think about it rationally I am scared we will end up regretting it.

    I have never felt anything was missing in our sex life, and I can get very aroused by his voice, touch and smell, the visual attraction is just not as strong as I think it would be with a woman. What makes it even more confusing is that I actually kissed a few women before we met, and it wasn't that great. But it was just drunk kissing, and I think the attraction was just not strong enough and the emotional connection was missing
     
    #9 Mifora, Apr 24, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017
  10. Adray

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    It is very possible to be bisexual in one's orientation and be happy long-term with one person. Lots of us bi people are in that situation.

    For me, I've known that I'm bi for over 30 years. There really isn't any question - I have had attractions, reactions, urges, etc., and all that goes with it, for both men and women. The attractions for both still continue. But I've been happily married to a woman (I'm a man) for 16 years. I don't personally feel that I'm missing anything. I know it doesn't happen that way for all bisexuals, but that's been my experience.

    It's not the easiest thing being bi in an opposite-sex LTR. It's hard to explain to people if/when you ever come out, for one thing. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with that situation, lots of us experience it. You are still a valid bisexual. Even if you never go all the way with someone of your same gender. Still bisexual.

    I hope that helps in some small way. You sound perfectly normal to me! (*hug*)
     
  11. OED27x

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    I've been in a straight relationship for 16 years. I fell head over heals for my husband. That being said, for me, yes, physically and emotionally something has been missing. But it is very hard to determine what specific dynamics are at play - my sexuality or personalities. Honestly I did not feel that my sexuality caused us to grow apart. But nevertheless we did. And then I fell hard for a woman. We are now separating.
     
  12. Mifora

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    Thank you! For me the question is, can I truly know my orientation if I never gone all the way with someone of my own gender? But then I think, even if I do that, will that really make me sure about my orientation, or will it make me more confused? I think it will always fluctuate, and I will never be absolutely certain - and I will just have to be ok with that
     
  13. silverhalo

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    I think you can know your orientation, I mean many people know they are gay before they actually have a same sex relationship and straight people rarely feel the urge to experiment to confirm their straightness I just think that sometimes its difficult to put the doubts to bed.
     
  14. Mifora

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    It is so difficult. Any advice on how to do it?
     
  15. silverhalo

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    Well I can probably think of a lot of theoretical advise which is great but implementing it is the difficult bit haha.

    Sometimes, certainly with me overthinking is the problem, I just make things go round and round in my head so much its enough to make me go crazy. Talking to someone about it often helps because as you explain it and they respond and you talk through it things become clearer.
    When I was questioning my sexuality just before coming out I had a lot of doubts creep back in, I think in the end I just found asking myself the basic questions sometimes helped me clarify things, so in my case it would be, am I interested in guys? Not really. Do I have some attraction to girls? Yes, then logically I am a lesbian. The doubts are things like what if it changes in the future..... well what if it does, you could always ask yourself that about many things but without a crystal ball who knows and realistically in the future you just have to deal with what gets thrown at you the best you can.

    So in your case I guess it would be questions like

    Am I happy with my life?

    Do I feel like bisexual fits me?

    Do I love my partner?
     
  16. Mifora

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    Thank you so much. That was really helpful - and it sounds so simple in theory. I also worry a lot about things changing in the future, and I know what it feels like to overthink things. Hopefully it will get better some day
     
  17. silverhalo

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    I am sure it will. Things can be kind of circular, its on your mind so you think about it but the more you think about it the more it is on your mind. Im not saying you should hide concerns and doubts but sometimes if I think it is getting to the point where it isnt helping and I am overthinking things I just try and keep myself busy and force myself to think about other things and I find after a while it becomes slightly more distant.

    All very easy in theory and much harder in practice. That is like giving advice to others and trying to give it to yourself haha
     
  18. tryingtomakesen

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    I can definitely identify with what you are going through. I am going through the same thing myself. I have been married for a little over ten years with two little ones and I'm questioning my sexuality too.

    My husband is a great man and he is very attractive. Yet, for me that attraction is not there anymore. I have no desire to be intimate and pda is difficult for me. Lately I find myself fantasizing about women and desiring to experience what it would be like to kiss a woman or to hold hands with a woman.

    I too am unsure what to do or if my feelings are real. I've recently started therapy to try and figure things out. Are you in therapy? It's helped me out immensely so far. It might be something to look into if you're not already in therapy.
     
  19. Mifora

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    I definitely know that feeling! And thank you for the advice, it was very helpful

    I want to just let go of my concerns and stop worrying about the future. Right now our relationship is going so well and I have no desire to be with anyone else, but I'm just worried that it will not stay that way when I have a strong same sex attraction. But back when I had a stronger attraction to the opposite sex and some fantasies about other men it never bothered me because I knew I would never act on it. Sometimes I wish my preferences were more stable and I was just attracted to one gender

    ---------- Post added 25th Apr 2017 at 12:54 PM ----------

    Thank you so much for sharing. Im doing therapy to and finding it helpful