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Left confused & upset after breakup, need to vent

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by clavaboi, Apr 22, 2017.

  1. clavaboi

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    So my bf & i just had a breakup. I am gay & he was bi but had ended other relationships with girls because he felt he wanted to be with a guy. We dated for 4+ months & it was long distance, but i visited 3 times for a total of 2.5 months. A few days after we became bfs he had told me his 'roomate", was actually his ex. I was really upset that he didnt tell me before asking me to be his bf. It was almost a deal breaker, but he somehow convinced me to give it a chance. SO i did.
    he & his ex hadnt dated for over a year, but neither of them had dated anyone seriously since their breakup. When we got together, his ex was still single. I visited & everything seemed okay for a while. I didnt have any red flags that he still cared about her, until i found out she had been living there rent free for a long time. she treated the house like it was more hers than his, even though he is the one who owned it 100%. He allowed that to happen. She was always a higher priority than me. She got the garage parking space, & i had to park a block or two down the road. i understand in the beginning that he wasnt supposed to be all in the relationship yet. But he had no deadline for her to move out, & had no idea when she was going to move out yet would not compromise to make me more comfortable. I had asked him if i could park in the gaerage before my last trip. he told me he is going to have me park in the garage this time, but he changed his mind & said its because i dont live there like she does. My problem was that i didnt want to keep driving 600 miles to see him, if theres no chance of me ever being able to move in. I didnt feel like i could settle down with him in a house with his ex, even if we were ready to. & io wouldnt be happy traveling so much & not feeling at home there, & then being home & missing him. I would rather feel at home there with him.
    I told him i am uncomfortable with the relationship & that i feell like she is more of a priority than us & he seemed not to care much.
    A month in she got a bf & he started living there, 3 months in they got engaged. He got mad, & started saying he was planning to set a deadline for her to move out, but the day he was supposed to do it, he decided not to . He said that he thinks she is trying to rub the enagement in his face to say to flaunt her happiness. i was wondering why he thought that & why he would care.
    Other details: He was never very affectionate with me or very sensitive at all ( he could never comfort me if i was sad or apologise if he hurt my feelings), never gave me too much attention after the first 2 months, just stopped. He didnt really tell me how he feels about me, i started to wonder if he even liked me. A terrible communicator, anytime i would talk about my feeling he would seem really nervous.bhe would say things that constantly contradict himself.

    i started to get hurt a few weeks before the breakup. I told him i was wondering how he feels about me, & he said good. But after tal;king some more i got him to talk more. He said hes not in love with me, doesnt feel a connection with me at all. I was shocked. Her said physically your all i want but i just dont feel connected with you like i did with every one else ive been with.(his ex immediately came to mind).he said he cant get feelings very fast cause he is more careful then he was in the past, & doesnt get feelings or fall in love because then he doesnt get let down. It left me feeling like his ex & everyone before me is way better. He was super blunt about how he feels didnt seem to care if it hurt me. The rest of the week after this, was terrible. He just did his hobby & completely ignored me, only talked to me if i talked to him. I have no idea why i stayed after he said that stuff, but i think it was because he said he wants to give it more time to see if he starts to get feelings. I couldnt sleep, & decided on the spot to just pack up & leave right now, in the middle of the night while he is sleeping. I did just that.
    HE texted me in the morning sayibg "of just left in the middle of the night? I told him yes i was getting homesick & couldnty sleep. a few days went by & he barely texted me at all. i asked himn how he fgeels about our relationship. He said hes not into it anymore, & that i just left in the middle of the night i didnt care. & that also were just better off as friends. I agreed & told him i crave much more intimacy & love then he can possibly give me & the living situation is too hard on me. he said he doesnt give me love & intimacy because he doesnt feel a connection with me like he has with other people.
    SAying it again really makes me feel terrible. I feel like he led me on for 4 months & that he loved his ex so much more. The whole time acting like his ex means nothing to him, but all the signs (him letting her use him, placing her before his relationship, getting upset when his ex got engaged, saying he felt more of a connection with her,ect) make me feel like i was some kind of experiment to try & move on before her & that they were having some kind of competion toward eachother & he didnt really ever like me at all. it really hurts. Kinda feel like he blamed the fact that he isn't a very affectionate, loving, caring or sensitive person (& never could be), on that im just not worthy of getting that from him. This isnt really a question, & its probably so long & hard to understand. But i really could use some support, having a really hard time & feeling really bummed out.
     
    #1 clavaboi, Apr 22, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey clavaboi,

    You just have to move on. I know that probably seems like a simplistic statement to you right now, but it's true.

    He never treated you right in the first place. You said how he always put his ex's needs as a priority over yours (and you gave specific examples, so it clearly wasn't just a perception on your part).

    It sounds like your ex-bf has real problems with accepting his attraction to guys and was still trying to use his ex-gf as a cover. From that standpoint, doesn't it make sense that he gave her priority on so many things and got mad when she got a new bf?

    You also said that you couldn't rely on him emotionally. That makes sense to me if he was still denying his attraction to you - whether he was denying it to himself or to others. He wasn't willing/able to invest in you emotionally since he needed the 'separation' for himself. That was totally unfair to you, of course.

    I would say that the best way that you can look at this is to learn from the experience and move on.

    I talked to you on your first post here on EC and I've followed your previous posts. If you care to have frank discussion, perhaps we could do that on our Walls, if you would like to send me a Friendship request.

    Just my thoughts.

    Stay strong, my friend!:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Apr 22, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
  3. clavaboi

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    I am going to move on definetely think ill be happier. Its just i need to talk about this now & reflect a bit.
    Im not really sure if hes using her as a cover or having trouble accepting being attracted to guys but you could be right. His ex was a transgender ftm & he got the feeling he needed a biological guy. Then soon during when we got together, she changed to a girl. So now she is technically a girl. As for his sexuality, he has come out to his parents. So its hard to see how she could be a cover, could you maybe re clarify

    You are correct that I couldnt rely on him emotionally. i think he just burys his feelings so im not sure if anyone ever could. he did not deny his attraction ( he had said that he is very attracted to me, but that he doesnt have feelings for me. So it is just confusing if he is emotionally still attached to his ex or not. If so that could be why he didnt fall for me. who knows.

    I am open to talking more on my wall soon. I do remember you &Very thankful for your help.Also not really sure how i can send you a friendship request
     
    #3 clavaboi, Apr 22, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
  4. Quantumreality

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    I have three thoughts on that. First is that if he is a Bi guy, he could be Out to his parents, but still insecure about being Out to others (some of his friends, his coworkers, etc). Second, he could be Bi, but very insecure about people (friends/family/etc) knowing that he is in a same-sex relationship. Third, it kind of sounds like he might be gay and is in denial. Thus he claims to be bisexual in order to seemingly make things seem 'easier.'

    But, as any Bi guy can tell you, most monosexuals tend to think binarily. Thus when we are in a relationship with an opposite-sex partner, they consider us heterosexual. And when we are in a relationship with a same-sex partner, they consider us homosexual. In reality, we are always just Bi.

    Did you ever meet his parents? If so, did he introduce you as a 'friend' or as his boyfriend?

    I probably misstated that. Sure he was obviously attracted to you, but if he was in a relationship with you while was using his ex as a cover, he couldn't afford to get too emotionally attached to you because others would almost certainly see your 'connection' whenever the two of you were together.

    Anytime, dude.:slight_smile:
     
  5. clavaboi

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    You could be right. But all i know is his ex identified as a guy up until we started dating, so im having a hard time thinking that he was going to use her as a cover for a same sex relationship. & i never did meet his parents, he isnt really that close to them.
    Bottom line is maybe he was using me to explore his sexuality a bit more. he had dated his first gf for 5 years dumped her to find a bf. Found a bf who cheated on him after 2 weeks. Then got together with the ftm who he broke up with to find a biological bf (me). & after we got together the ftm changed back to a girl ( because she claims she really wasnt trandgender in the first place, just confused). This whole situation is so confusing to me i can't help but reflect & try to have an idea what the hell happened. Its probably a waste of time, but its part of me moving on.
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Well, clavaboi,

    I didn't realize that his ex identified as male until recently, so I may be way off on my analysis of that part of things.

    But it really does seem like he's unwilling to make an emotional connection with you (and that's likely a key reason in why she broke up with him - did you ever discuss that with her?)

    However, given the types of relationships that you say he had and the timelines, it still seems to me that he is very uncomfortable with his same-sex relationships - at least from an outward/public standpoint.
     
  7. clavaboi

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    So, yes its actually very hard for me to imagine that he ever made much of an emotional connection with anyone he dated. But he claims that i am the first person he dated who he doesn't feel a connection with. His heart seems really closed, & i do feel like its more that he did not LET himself connect with me. I do know that he says HE is the one who broke up with his ex, not her. But once when talking about how he is not very affectionate, he said everyone hes dated has said the same thing about him. But when he broke up with me, (if you remember in my first post on this thread) he told me "I wasnt affectionate with you because i dont feel a connection with you like i did with others". So again, that sort of seemed like he was saying that the way he is not affectionate is just because he doesnt connect with me like his exs. Even though another time he said he is not affectionate period.This is all pretty painful, confusing & kinda contradicting.
     
  8. Quantumreality

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    Hmmm... I get that. It makes me just say again that you just have to let him go. You are better off without him. If you don't have two-way relationship (in terms of both honesty/trust and emotional commitment), what is the point?
     
  9. clavaboi

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    I do want to let it go & move on. Im just really hurt that he blamed his lack of affection & closed heart on me not being good enough for it. I wish he couldve at least recognized that he led me on & some of his mistakes enough to know that he hurt me.
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    Hey clavaboi,

    You are not the problem in this relationship, but it does seem like you were being used/taken advantage of.

    You should understand, however, that if he was never truly emotionally-involved with you, he has no desire nor reason to apologize for anything let alone recognize any emotional pain that he has caused you.
     
  11. clavaboi

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    Yeah thats how i feel, & youre right he was never really truly emotionally involved. I just don't know what he really had to gain by taking advantage of me. Maybe used me to explore his sexuality, confidence boost, or just out of convenience:/ I find it hard believe im the first one who he dated that he just took advantage & had no feelings for, but if i am i dont know why he would tell me that & not expect it to hurt me. even if he weren't emotionally involved, you would think he'd have a little more empathy to protect my feelings a bit more
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    First, to try to soften what I'm going to suggest next, you clearly aren't either the first or only one of his romantic relationships that he as taken advantage of and used.

    Second, to answer your question about what he had to gain. Sorry, but the most straightforward answer is sex. I'm sure you've heard the term fuckboy before. If he does not or cannot emotionally attach to his bfs/gfs, then the simplest answer is that he is just satisfying his sexual needs. Again, I'm sorry if that harsh analysis hurts you and I don't KNOW that that's the ground-truth. But it seems the most likely explanation to me based on what you have posted.:icon_sad: