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Questioning Sexuality Later in Life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Paige3002165, Apr 19, 2017.

  1. Paige3002165

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    I apologize in advance for the length of this post . . .

    I’m 21, and I just started questioning my sexuality. However, most people seem to have at least some awareness of their sexuality early in life, while I never questioned until this year. I also have never had any major crushes on girls (I’m female). This makes me wonder whether I might just be straight.

    I’m aware that some people don't become aware of their sexuality until later, and I wanted to include a brief list (which ended up being less than brief . . . ) of reasons I think I might be gay and reasons I suspect I’m not. I know I’m the only one who can ultimately answer this question, but I’d still appreciate any feedback!

    Reasons I might be gay or bi:

    - I have had crushes on boys during which I obsessed over them, but they were ridiculously platonic—I don’t even remember wanting to kiss my most recent crush (from about a year and a half ago).

    - Although I had crushes on guys, they seemed a great deal more rare than those of my other girlfriends.

    - I had ridiculously little education in sexuality, but the more I learned about it (specifically in context of female/male relationships) it struck me as rather repulsive.

    - I have only had two brief dating experiences and found them both extremely unpleasant and somehow wrong, even though they were with guys I trusted who didn’t put any pressure on me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

    - I grew up in a conservative Christian environment where everyone believed or at least suspected that homosexual relationships are wrong. I also had no exposure to or education about the LGBTQ+ community; so there are good reasons I might have hidden my sexuality from myself.

    - I started to question my sexuality almost as soon as I rejected the belief that homosexual relationships are sinful and became involved in the LGBTQ+ community.

    - Although I’ve never had any strong crushes on girls, this might be largely because I am a homeschooled introvert with social anxiety who has never had an extremely close friendship outside my family.

    - I have, however, had feeling towards girls that I probably would have interpreted as crushes had I been feeling them towards guys.

    - I’m not entirely sure that I feel sexual attraction towards girls; but kissing and sex with them sounds interesting and at least worth trying out, wheres with guys I can’t seem to drum up much enthusiasm at all.

    - Because of the way my community villianized any sexual desire I never fantasized about men (although I'm not aware of having had a desire to). Openness to sexuality has accompanied questioning my orientation, and any fantasies I do have now tend to be with women (although these are fairly vague and not especially intense. I have yet to earnestly try masturbating).

    Reasons I might be straight:

    - My sense of repulsion towards sex with men may come from the villianization of sexual desire that was common in the environment I grew up in, not because of an inherent aversion/disinterest.

    - Growing up I became obsessed with male characters in books and films, but never female characters (although I did seem to pay more attention to the physical appearance of females than males).

    - I’m not sure I feel like I could even fall in love with a woman. Perhaps that’s just because I’ve always closed myself off to that possibility; I don’t know.

    - I did legitimately obsess over the three guy crushes I have had. I’ll admit I avoided any real possibility of a relationship with the first two; but I think I would have dated the third if he asked, and I did mourn when I realized that relationship definitely wasn’t going anywhere. (I did sort of fail to follow up on certain offers of friendship from him; but that could be explained by my social anxiety).

    - I seem to have stronger immediate reactions—both emotional intensity and perhaps physical attraction—towards guys than towards girls. However, I can’t help wondering how much of that has been trained, because when I try to push the idea further and imagine letting the guy or just a generic male into my life romantically—even at a base level of doing romantic things or kissing—it just doesn’t sound right somehow. On the other hand, when I do the same with a female it sounds at least potentially good. I even have moments of excitement at the prospect, or something that feels like arousal that goes beyond the initial jerk reaction.

    - However, I can’t help wondering what other things might be behind those responses. Maybe I’ve just been socialized to fear men, and that’s why sex with them sounds somewhat alarming? Maybe its just because I want to decide that I’m gay or bi (because for some weird reason I do—that’s another story) and so am subconsciously creating these responses in myself?

    - When it comes down to it, I just don't know whether what I am or think I am feeling towards women is strong enough to count as romantic and/or sexual attraction.

    - Perhaps I am asexual and perhaps even romantic, and that’s why I don't feel sexual attraction to guys and am not sure whether I feel it towards girls.

    If you actually managed to read that, I would HUGELY appreciate any responses! Thank you!!
     
    #1 Paige3002165, Apr 19, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2017
  2. Adray

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    You've made a great start to finding the real you. The fact that you've rejected homophobia and opened yourself to considering all possibilities is wonderful.

    I don't have any thoughts or advice on your orientation other than the fact that you are right that you are the person who will figure that out.

    Your identity doesn't have to necessarily match up exactly with your history (or lack thereof), either. I think you know that from your post, but wanted to put that out there, too.

    I'd suggest you continue asking, reading, searching. You'll find your real self.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with masturbating. It's healthy and fun and not wrong (despite what prudes might say). You ought to see where that might take you.

    I wish you success in your search and much happiness. And welcome to EC!
     
  3. Cocolo

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    Hi Paige .. just for a little different perspective I was raised in a pretty much non-religious home (did become Christian as an adult) and I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of being gay when I first started thinking I had an attraction to girls (around the time I was a tween)

    During my young adulthood I felt most comfortable around gay men or women.. I even went to a gay bar with a gay guy friend of mine. During this time I thought I was straight but as Ive said in the past I always had a nagging sense that I was gay.

    Anyway, based on your post I would lean toward asexual.
     
  4. Paige3002165

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    Thank you for the kind responses!

    Adray: I'm trying to be patient with myself as I figure this out. It would be easier if I didn't know that my family will have a hard time with this if I decide that I am in any way not straight. Even the possibility of my being asexual didn't fly so well with my Mom when I mentioned it. It makes me want to just know how to identify so that I can tell them and be done with it. But I know rushing things won't help matters.

    As for masturbating, I really should try. It's difficult since I don't have a room of my own, but I do have some opportunities. I guess there is some fear there—even though I don't have any stance against it (now, anyway) everyone around me stigmatized it for so long. And I don't even know how to go about it! (Although I know there is plenty of advice on the internet). There's also the problem of a certain lack of interest—other things just sound more fun, so I sort of keep not getting around to it. I guess that could be another hint of asexuality, or I might just not know what I'm missing—my lack of sexual educated extended to the point that I genuinely didn't know masturbation was a thing people do until about two years ago, and then for another year I thought it was only a guy thing :eusa_doh:

    Cocolo: Thank you for your input. Asexuality—or perhaps demi-sexuality, as I've never been in a close romantic relationship and have no idea whether that would spur sexual attraction for me—is definitely a possibility I'm strongly considering. I'm fairly comfortable with the idea—before I started considering women I was more-or-less convinced that I was asexual. If anything, adopting that label was a relief, since I really didn't much want to have sex with guys. On the other hand, when I'm thinking in terms of women, being asexual does sound like at least a bit of a loss—I find that I wish I could enjoy sex with women, even though I'm not sure that I would. I don't what that implies, if anything, but it is there. Even if I am asexual that would still leave the question of whether I'm aromantic, biromantic, homoromantic, etc . . . this orientation thing is so much more complicated than straight culture made it sound :confused:

    For the record, as soon as I actually came in contact with the LGBTQ+ community, I likewise found myself more at home in it than I have been in the straight community. That might not mean anything; but it could be another hint that I don't fit into the dominate/assumed orientation (whether I'm gay, asexual, etc).