Hi all, I started by identifying as bisexual because I figured I couldn't have found myself in heterosexual relationships and a marriage without being bisexual. When I 'came out' to my husband and some family members, saying I was 'bisexual' seemed to be a safer label to use rather than a complete explanation of what I felt inside. I have always known I was interested in women, but only in the past 2 years have I only wanted to be with women exclusively. It was easier to use that term to explain my orientation because otherwise they might question if I had been lying to them this whole time and feel betrayed by that. Also, i didn't want my husband to feel 'betrayed' and like I had tricked him into marriage just so i could hide my lesbianism, because it wasn't like that. I was genuinely invested and happy in my relationship until a couple of years ago. Everyone I've come out to think I am bisexual and have been supportive, but i wonder if they are supportive because it's like "Well at least there is still some part of you that like men too, and you are still married...so you are still living conventionally." I have always desired to be with women (and can be aroused easily at the thought), and I struggled with my low libido in heterosexual relationships, therefore not always wanting to be sexual with men. I look back on my life and sexual encounters and if someone told me back then that i could choose between those men or a female I was attracted to without societal repercussions, I am confident I would have chosen the female. In fact, If it had of been more accepting like it is becoming, I think i would have been with women earlier in my life. I can't imagine going the rest of my life without having a girlfriend. I try to tell myself I am bisexual so I just have to focus on that side of my sexualityand enjoy being with my husband, but it never feels right. And when he talks about being together forever, secretly I can't bear the idea of a life without experiencing a same sex relationship. I am just wondering...if you are bisexual how do you know? or If you are lesbian...how do you know that too? Or is this whole 'labeling/identifying' thing just pointless and am I just fluid? confused
To me you sound like you're attracted more to women and leaning towards lesbian. But even if you're attracted to women more than men, you can still be bi. But sexuality is kind of fluid... attraction can change over time... so yeah it's confusing. If you (nearly) don't feel desire to be with men and only want to be with women, you can be a lesbian. But also, maybe you don't want to be with guys right now cause you feel caged and you're all focused on being with and wanting to have a relationship with a woman. That feeling of desire is overwhelmingly strong now and may influence how you see and experience your sexuality. Just trying to think with you...
Thanks TwoShoes....I think I am questioning this so much, because its almost like "Well if I am Bi instead of just lesbian, then these feelings towards my husband can be worked on, we can find a way to bring a spark back to our love life, we can get therapy to heal past hurts and we can stay together. I can stay with him and my kids dont need to hurt and I can find true happiness with that choice and this desire to be with women might always be a part of me but I can still be satisfied with my husband" But the more I try to convince myself I love him and can stay, the more I realise its not right. I feel like an unfinished painting, and to stay like this in this marriage is like leaving my canvas blank in areas where there should be colour. It's like I'd be living life in a black and white movie. I kind of imagine being with a woman I love would feel like 'home.'
Staying in this relationship so your family can feel like you're still living their preferred life isn't fair to anyone, least of all your husband. It sounds like to me that + perhaps not wanting to hurt him are the only reasons you're still in that relationship. Is that correct? Of course I can't decide whats best for you although my first reaction would be 'screw whoever thinks they got a say in this because they don't' and find a relationship YOU are happy with and comfortable in, rather then trying to not hurt other peoples feelings... Take care
To me the questions would be.... Do you enjoy being with your husband sexually and just hanging out? Do you crave his attention? Do you want him to want you? Would you be jealous if he paid attention to another female and not you? I think if you say yes... you are bisexual. These are all things fueled by a sexual/romantic needs. I have female friends...and if they pay attention to their boyfriend more than me I am not jealous. But there are a few females I get jealous when they pay more attention to their boyfriend. Over time I realized the difference was that I was into those few females more than a friend. The same for males....even though it is a significantly smaller percentage of men that make me feel that way. The next point to touch on is anyone who is bisexual can be 50/50 or lean more toward one sex or the other here and there. I think you have to revisit why you married your husband to begin with? Did you truly enjoy being with him in all manners? Did it feel completely right being with him? Were you and could you still be happy with him? In addition maybe an open relationship would be the right way here.... with his permission and knowledge of who you have relations with? Do you truly want to end the marriage because you want to? It's honestly easier to get divorce... it's harder to meld a relationship when you find out a divorce was a mistake. You really need to think of the past, the now, and your future. What do you truly feel inside? I kept questioning my sexuality for a while.. until I was with a man physically and figured out I had no issue whether it was a man I was with or a female. But, I am more attracted to women then men. I notice women more....I think more women are attractive. Very few men I think are attractive and that I am drawn to. There is a difference between a guy you deem sexually attractive vs a guy who is gifted good looks. Journal all your thoughts and read them over as the days go by.
When I realized phases couldn't last forever I questioned everything too, also my attraction to males, although I was and am in a relationship with a man I love. I think it's normal to question everything at some point and it does not necessarily mean you are a lesbian. What helped for me was thinking about my past. The text written by seeking about jealousy is a good one I think. I recognize it. The wanting to scratch a woman's eyes out because she gives a friendly hug to a woman you like thing .
