In trying to come to terms with identity stuff (both sexual orientation and gender identity). I've been trying to recall times from my childhood and young adulthood that would help me see that this has been here all along and not that I'm just looking for something to identify as. I feel like i've been considering all of this for long enough that its not just a phase (questioning sexuality for over 2 years and gender just for about 3 or 4 months), but it's bugging the crap out of me that I can't remember much about my childhood like most people who even as realizing it later in life can identify memories from their childhood. I want to talk to my mom and sister about it to see if they can remind me of things I did or ways I acted that might have indicated any of my true identity, but I don't know how to bring it up without explaining that I'm questioning things. Today I was talking to my mom on the phone and they are in the process of cleaning out my childhood home, she mentioned that they found a picture of me as a young kid on Halloween dressed as a clown, which I had absolutely no memory of, she thinks its from when I was like 3 or 4, but she mentioned she had me wear it because it was sweatpants and a sweatshirt outfit and I liked sweatpants. This just made me wonder what other things I did as a child that might help me see some of my patterns or indicators. Anyone else struggle with remembering things from their childhood? Anyone have any tips on how to resurface some of these things?
I practically can't remember anything from my childhood and also most of my life. It's quite disturbing. I did read somewhere once that depression can stop short term memory becoming long term memory. I am hoping that some kind of medical peep can help me rediscover what I've lost.
musicheals315.....Just went through exactly what you are talking about. I know without for sure that I am gay and I feel strongly that I have always been. But, you know...every once in a while a little doubt creeps in and ---------- Post added 17th Apr 2017 at 02:30 PM ---------- musicheals315...I have no idea wtf just happened....what I was writing just posted itself!! I'll continue...I started to wonder if something had happened to me when I was young that "caused" me to be gay. So I spent about a month going deeply into every memory that I had as a kid that was even a little bit sexual. I even talked a lot to my mom (dad's gone) about things I did etc. Had to be careful there as she does not know that I am gay. Anyway, I find that nothing that I can remember caused me to be gay. I realize that you are have trouble remembering things from your past. I have a friend who went through the same thing that I just did, but like you had very little memory of his past. He ended up going to a hypnotist and discovered that his memory was blocked by a tragedy that he had witnessed. He got answers about his sexuality (not caused by anything in his past) but the price he paid was terribly high. Maybe simple accepting yourself and not worrying about "the why" is not so bad. It did me no good and hurt my friend.....David
Thanks for the feedback, I thought I'd heard that a hypnotist could help with that, but have been afraid too. Long before I realized I might be gay or somewhere along the non-binary gender spectrum, I had suspicions that something must have happened when I was young. I can remember when I was first away at college, I had a boyfriend at the time and was assigned to work with a guy for a project in my french class and felt so uncomfortable. And I find this often happens when I have to interact with men. I don't feel like it's an I like this person, so I'm going to be nervous and shy kind of feeling, but a real discomfort. Granted it sometimes happens with other people in general, I haven't seen a counselor, but I feel it's safe to say I have at least mild social anxiety. I feel like my confusion is not so much about the "why," but more of the "why now" or "is this real." I know I tend to get very into things I''m interested in, for awhile I went to church and played the part of a religious person well, talking about being saved and all that, but then one day was sitting in church realizing I was more alone there than anywhere and so I completely dropped that and now completely disregard any religious beliefs, so I worry that I found this thing that I think that I am, but have no proof, so what if I just got carried away with a notion. I more just keep looking for signs to prove it to myself.
I have the same thing, I can't remember most of my childhood. I have about six distinct memories about fleeing gay up until I hit about 22, I'm 35 now. I remember being in 5th grade knowing I liked the other boys. Then it kind of jumps to 8th grade, then 2 in high school, two straight friends I liked after and that's it. In my mind I know I used to obsess about it but I can't remember much. I feel like growing up in a deeply religious family has made me block a lot of things.
I definitely can relate to you in that I too get swept up in things that interest me - I think this is fundamental to exploring our selves on a deeper level. Sometimes I am so sure of myself on a trajectory, then out of the blue, my feelings change and I switch to a completely different thing. It happens a lot with my diet and my spiritual beliefs. So with that being said - how I truly know I am gay, is this time discovering it was back to front. Instead of stumbling upon something i'd read or seen and thinking "that seems right, I believe this will work/is the truth etc" Its more like I have uncovered a part of myself that I was hiding from myself and the world. Its more internal, a discovery rather than a notion that has been delievered to my mind from external sources. Its an 'aha' moment. Being gay has always been a part of my life, just I didn't identify it as 'gay'. I thought all women deep down felt the way i feel towards other women. I thought it was normal to have crushes on women. It felt so natural for me that I didn't even realise what true straightness was. This is just my experiences though, others may be different. Maybe you have old photo's? Maybe you can start by remembering your friends and the games you used to play? Or start with the earliest memory you have. Meditate on it. Close your eyes and maybe gently go into yourself and meet your inner child and have a conversation with them.It's very much like hypnotherapy except you are discovering answers without external input. Your subconscious knows everything. :icon_wink
