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Coming out to coach?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by sompet, Apr 15, 2017.

  1. sompet

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    I am a 17 year old girl who is gay. I play soccer at my high school and have a great coach and team, but there is one thing...the girls on my team are all really homophobic and me being a homosexual, I do not feel safe. They do not know I am gay but I do think that they suspect it. I don't stare or do anything different from theach others but they always try to stay away from me whenever we are changing before or after a game or practice etc. They also whisper and gossip when I change. There is a rumor at school that I am gay so they all try to stay away from me.

    I am contemplating telling my coach what is happening. I know she will accept me, but I do not want it to be awkward between us. I do not want this to affect my playing time either even though I am a starter and play every minute of every game.

    If I do tell my coach, how should I do it? Should I write a letter (if so, how?) or should I talk to her privately?

    Thank you for listening
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey sompet,

    If you are truly comfortable Coming Out to your coach (and you indicated that you are), then you can Come Out in any manner that works for you. Personally, I would say that having a private meeting with her might be the best way to go and tell her face to face. That way you can also have a discussion with her about your concerns with the way your teammates are acting towards you.

    It’s not unusual for coaches to have private meetings with team members to discuss a player’s performance or family/personal issues that may affect the team.

    I hope that helps a little.:slight_smile:
     
  3. Nox

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    I think it's best if you tell your coach, specially if you think she will accept you, because she, as the adult in charge of the team, is the one responsible and most capable of solving these kinds of problems. I don't think it would affect your playing time in any way (I mean you are just as good at soccer as you were yesterday, right? I don't think she would give you less time unless she was deeply homophobic and that doesn't seem to be the case).

    If you do tell your coach, I don't know what works for you (In terms of making you feel as comfortable as possible) but, as QuantumReality said, I think is best if you tell her in private, face to face. I usually try to make it sound like something that isn't a big deal and do my best to seem confident (even if I'm not). For example I would say something like "I wanted to talk to you because I'm homosexual and lately I've been feeling judged by the rest of the team". And then I would tell her what I want from her (emotional support/help on talking with the rest of the team/other). I've found that if you sound clear and confident, you make it clear that you don't want the other person to comment on your sexuality (neither are you looking for their aproval) and that your probblem is not your sexuality itself, but other people's reactions to it.

    Of course there's no "right" or "wrong" way to tell people about your sexuality, and you can write a letter if it's easier/more comfortable for you, but I've never done anything like that, so I can't really help you make a plan for that.

    I hope you find this helpful. Best of luck!
     
    #3 Nox, Apr 15, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2017
  4. SemiCharmedLife

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    Check out the website Outsports.com for stories of how other athletes have gone through what you're going through. Can't say I have any personal experience with this but as a gay sports fan I know the website and love the inspiring stories on there.
     
  5. LeticiaTheLesbo

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    I suggest telling your coach what is going on. I know what it's like to be in your shoes. Your coach will likely want to adress this issue in some way with the team. I would have a discussion with your coach about how you want that to go, as I am sure you don't want to be outed or made to look like the one who told the coach this. I've been there too bud. PM me if you need to chat more :slight_smile:
     
  6. sompet

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    should I have a private meeting with just the two of us to explain how this is affecting me?

    I really want to tell her since I know that on some occasions, this has affected my performance. I am still one of her best players (she has told me on numerous occasions) but sometimes my concentration and playing is really off and she can tell. She's taken me aside after a couple games to ask if everything is alright and to tell me that her "door is always open" if I need someone to talk to. I've told her that I just had auditions for band coming up and that was the only thing I was stressing about. Another time I told her that I was "feeling a bit sick so I couldn't focus," when in reality it was the team harassing me. She seems really concerned and has asked if I have any personal issues or family problems that I needed to talk about and I just sheepishly shook my head. When she pulls me aside after a game or practice, the other girls on my team have seen this and all think that I am her favorite and continue to make remarks about me being a "gay little b*tch."

    I know that I need to tell her what is going on with the team and me but I don't know how to approach her on the subject. I am pretty sure that she suspects that I am gay and that is what is affecting me though.

    Sorry this is so lengthy but I needed to ask someone. Thank you
     
  7. Quantumreality

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    Hey sompet,

    It may be very hard for you to do so, but I think a private face-to-face meeting is the best way to go. However, you can Come Out to her in any manner that makes you the most comfortable. Perhaps you could have a written note with you and hand it to her in a private meeting if you find it difficult to get the words out...

    It sounds like your coach is concerned for you and has 'opened the door', so to speak, for you to come and talk to her.

    I wish you all the best!:slight_smile: