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Being married, bisexual and in love. Relationship struggles. Opening up to share.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TwoSocks, Apr 15, 2017.

  1. TwoSocks

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    This is scary but I would like to share this part of my journey. I can only speak from what I've been through myself but maybe some people can relate and hopefully it can be of any support and give courage to others.

    I just recently came out as bisexual to my husband, but about one and a half years ago I admitted I fell in love with a woman. And this was something that had never happened to me before. I had a crush on a girl when I was 10, had a few same sex experiences during my teens and early 20s, but I had never felt deep passionate attraction for a woman before. I never knew I possibly could. And how could I possibly fall in love with someone else whilst being in a relationship? I clearly had to figure a few things out with myself here.

    I told him, because it was something I very much struggled with and I wanted to be honest. I can't keep my emotions a secret. It has been hard for me to deal with this (I never cheated, and I never told her, but she's also not a person I see very often anymore and she's not someone close to me), I thought about her all day long and I thought it would never ever end. I decided to focus on myself, asked myself why this was happening. What it made me feel and where this would lead to.
    I decided to not push it away and just let it all happen in my heart. It has taught me a lot about myself and helped me to understand the femininity and masculinity inside me, and started the process of accepting myself on a whole new level, accepting my sexuality and figuring out my gender identity. It has taught me a whole lot more about myself but that's just too much to explain, a very complicated and still ongoing process in many ways. But it was definitely something that happened for a reason.

    It's been extremely hard to deal with this for him as well, caused trust issues, he has (had) trouble receiving my love and giving love. He basically banned me from the place I had in his heart. And my heart became just as empty as his. I felt guilty and hurt, because I hurt him. To him it felt like I had already cheated, even though I didn't.
    Cause if I love him, how could I possibly fall in love with someone else? But it happens.. For a while I thought that maybe I'm just a person who can love multiple people at once, maybe I really can, I can see the love I have for people as something separate and complete on its own. But I have a very hard time imagining myself maintaining such relationships. Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could.

    All I was able to do is keep talking to my husband about it, be honest, clear and open about everything, show him that I needed him, that I love him. For the most part I had to figure things out on my own, I created some emotional distance, some space and he gave me that space,but sometimes I just needed to talk to him about it, to help me sort things out. And I had to know how he felt and wanted to be there for him too. I tried to talk to him about the hurt and fear that I caused. I never stopped trying to show him love, making contact, even though I felt totally empty inside.

    If anyone goes through something similar...
    All you can do is keep talking. Opening up. We never went to counseling, but if you feel you need it, if your partner needs it, ask for it. Show them that you want to go through this together. And be extremely patient. Even if they keep pushing you away, don't give up. If you're both hurt, you can still help each other. Ask them what they're afraid of. Show that you're open to their feelings, that it's important for both of you to know what their emotions are, and what they're thinking. Let them talk, cry and be angry at you. Ask them what they need from you. Tell them what you need. Try to show love and appreciation in small ways. Be open to talk about what you're both going through.

    Even though my husband trusts me, he was scared that I'd leave him for "miss right" because he's a man and he can't compete with women. That also made him lose confidence. But I married him because of him, not because he's a guy. That's just how I feel about that. He didn't trust the process I was in, but because he knows me and loves me, he was able to deal with this. For a while I craved to be with women. Explosively. Sometimes I felt as if I was locked in a small cage and couldn't get out. I'm definitely not into having casual sexual contact, but it would have been extremely hard to contain myself if the woman I loved was closer to me. It's not possible for me to be close to her, but if it was, and something would have happened, I would have dealt with that. I'd rather safely let it all happen in my mind instead. I have freedom in my heart and mind and it was all the space I had, to figure myself out.

    I wondered what it would be like to be in a loving relationship with a woman, emotionally, physically, if it would be different, how I would be, how I would care for her, make love, protect her and let her love me. If it's something I will miss... and that part of me has to accept that I may never know. It's okay to be angry at yourself, but don't hate yourself, even if you cheated, you're not weak, don't be self destructive.
    Work it out. If you need space to explore or if you need to be separated for a while, talk about it. I used my feelings and processes to learn from, it made me understand there was a part of me that I had always denied, that I wasn't ready for at the time, things that came out all at once, and it was time for me to work this out. Once I was through that, (I mostly am now) a part of me came at peace with itself and I was able to let most of my feelings for her go.

    Our relationship isn't perfect, but a very solid one, we share a strong bond and deep love, we're best friends and we still have butterflies. I'm still attracted to him, we can make the best love, and even though we've been together for 7 years, we have already overcome so much. We definitely had a few massive downs, we have been in a place where we feared our love was over, multiple times, didn't understand why everything felt so different at some points, completely lost our connection, but people grow and change, and that's where we constantly go through. We can drive each other crazy, sometimes we fight and not talk to each other all day, misunderstand each other until we finally listen. But I'm with my husband because of the love I have for him, because we match and complement each other in so many ways, because we're a team, because there's no other person that understands me and feels me better than he does and because I imagine our future lasting for the rest of our lives. I treasure our history and imagine us growing old together and that's all I literally want to happen.
    So I work towards that. We're not there yet, but I think we will be okay.

    And if for any reason, at any point in the future, we feel it's not working out or that our road would lead to separate ways; or if we feel it's best for us to move on and end our relationship, it would be the hardest thing to do, but I could only possibly take a step into that direction, cause the most important thing is that you keep being honest to yourself and follow it where it takes you. Don't give up. (*hug*)
     
  2. Adray

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    You are a wonderful writer. Very well said about your experience. I think a lot of bi folks can identify with what you are going through, so much.

    I'm in a similar situation - bi and married and monogamous. My wife accepts my orientation and even supports me. I think being open about everything and embracing it has made things even better for us. But she still makes comments like, "you'd better not leave me for a guy!", half jokingly. I think that is probably a widely-shared experience.

    I haven't had a romantic attraction to same-sex for a long time, so I'm not in the same place as you right now. I think you are on the right path though, and your honesty with your husband is good for a lot of reasons. It's not easy, but you are doing great.(*hug*)
     
  3. Aj462

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    Thank you for this. Very helpful :slight_smile:
     
  4. TwoSocks

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    Yes my husband says that too.. Also when I tell him he is awesome or beautiful he can't accept the compliment, his eyes ask for reassurance. "Do you really think I am still beautiful? Am I really good enough?" It hurts to see it. It's usually half jokingly but he's really insecure at the moment. We hug and kiss but it's still hard for him to really connect.
    But this is where we are right now.. it just needs time.
     
  5. Adray

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    For my wife and me, my coming out has brought us closer. We have sex more often, and we kiss and hug more often.

    It's not perfect, though. She may still feel some insecurity due to persistent, untrue myths about bisexual people. I do my best to make her know that I love her and that she's the only one in my life. One of the challenges bisexuals face is when others wonder whether we can be happy with just one lover.

    I can. I am. Lots of us are.

    Being bi is more complicated, but that doesn't mean it is bad. It can be hard for non-bi people to understand, though.

    You can be bi and monogamous and have a great marriage.

    I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I'm sending good wishes for happiness to you. (*hug*)