Ok.. I'm going waaay too fast. I've been struggling with my femininity and masculinity all my life. And I didn't even know it 80% of my life. I have questioned and reconsidered my sexuality multiple times in life and have just recently re-discovered and accepted I'm bisexual. I had written a massive post about my struggles to find the right sort of label for my gender identity as well. Long story short I feel mostly feminine, somewhat masculine, sometimes a lot more than other times but never extremely or entirely male. So I'm somewhere moving and floating at some part of the gender spectrum but still leaning more to female. I was also born a female, I look mostly feminine (sometimes tom-boy'ish) and I have no signs of gender dysphoria. I usually only see the parts of my body that match with how masculine or feminine I feel. I was going to post my story here but I was really anxious about doing so but I thought I needed some help. Later I had pretty much figured it out all by myself, by reading many experiences of others and analysing myself, which I'm pretty experienced at because I've had a lot of therapy in the past. Figuring myself out has led to me feeling more complete and a whole person. I feel like I found new puzzle pieces of myself and part of me broke free in some way. I feel more confident and allow myself to be who I am. All this happened within just a few months. And what did I do yesterday. I sent the entire story I was going to post here, and even more, to my mum. As a sort of coming out. With all details about my struggle to find both my gender identity and my sexuality. All at once. So she could all understand it and have a complete picture of everything I went through. Well, I have one of the best mums ever, she is very understanding and she accepts me completely. We talked all evening and I went to bed with a pretty good feeling. Until this morning, I woke up and suddenly felt completely weird and anxious. I feel like suddenly I have labels and that they're something I have to live up to "being that". I feel I have to live up to being "what I said I am". I usually don't want labels for myself with anything, but in this case it was something I needed to have some direction in finding this part of my true self. I was already kind of used to me being bisexual (it also felt a bit weird in the beginning) but this gender identity label feels even more strange. Cause I just always thought of gender as a binary and I learned sooo much about this and myself in the past few months. It all went really fast. But it's just a freaking label. I am so much more than that. But why is it such a sticky label. Why does it feel so weird. I could always pick another, but I still think this is the label that suits me best, I feel good about myself and who I am but I'm just soo anxious.. I'm constantly "aware" of how I feel now and whether I'm feeling masculine or feminine now and how I look and I feel extremely self conscious. Am I really this. Am I really valid. Am I wrong. Am I making this stuff up. Do I also really love women "enough". It's just ridiculous. I know I love men and women. Both. Doesn't matter how much or if it's equally. Actually the same reasons I questioned my sexuality so many times in the past and went straight back into the closet. But with this gender thing it just feels a bit more extreme. I think had to take some more time to let it all sink in and just be me for a while and not immediately tell my mum. Maybe I just did it a bit too fast and need to get used to the idea. I'm also a bit scared my mum thinks differently of me. Although she probably doesn't and she loves me the way I am and I know that. I know this is horrible to say and maybe offensive but a part of me feels like some kind of freak. But I'm not. Absolutely not. And I know I'm not. It's just that everything feels so different now from what I always thought I was.
Congratulations on coming out to your mom! That is awesome! Bisexuality is a valid orientation. You are an awesome bi. You don't need to prove anything to anybody. I think you already know that, from reading your post, but I just wanted to say that again to support you. You are bi and you rock. Gender is not the strict binary that society in general would have us believe. It's just not. I think you are doing well in finding yourself there, too. Feeling a rush of good feeling right after coming out to someone, followed by some nervous reconsideration some time after, is normal. I've done that with several of the people I've come out to as bi in my life. The good news is that it gets easier as you gain confidence in the new identity you've shared with others. It does get better. But yeah, it does feel different, too. I think you are doing great. Keep posting, reading, thinking, etc., here too.
Thank you so so much for saying all of this. Even just for responding. And for giving me some confidence. I think I needed someone who knows what I´m going through to tell me I did the right things and that my reactions are normal. And that it will be okay. It's hard for me to talk about myself out in the open, I usually never talk about personal things online. This was also my first real thread and it made me really nervous as well. Also because English is not my first language and I was already scared I sounded weird or used the wrong words. I'm feeling somewhat better now. Sometimes I'm actually terrified. I think this will need a few weeks, maybe months. I also came out to my husband, he knew I was dealing with things and trying to figure myself out and it's a bit of a shock for him. It has created a little bit of distance, especially because it was difficult for me to talk about it to him, I did, but sometimes you just need to figure things out on your own, in your own mind. My mind has been all over the place, and I didn't want to confuse him by saying things I would later change my mind about and then having to explain that. He does fear that me being bi could change our relationship. But he is also being very understanding and supportive. I think we will be okay, we trust each other, we have a strong relationship and we just need to keep talking. I don't think I will come out to that many other people, especially not about my gender identity. Not even to other relatives. Part of me wants to scream everything from the rooftops, but it's not really a necessity for others to know, at least not for now, and I don't really have any real close friends to tell it to or to talk about it anyway. I can feel freedom inside my heart. But I need to talk... people need people. I think I would be honest about my sexuality though, if someone brings it up. But scared they will not understand. I just have no idea yet if this is going to change things for me personally, how open I want to be or need to be about it, or how this will affect my life. Although I feel a lot stronger, I feel weird about my gender identity having a name.. it scares me a lot. Is it the right one. Also because with me.. it's not really that obvious, but present enough to be one of the reasons I felt different from stereotype girls in the past. It terrifies me. But I've (had) more than one reason to be questioning. And I'm also like... don't make such a big deal out of it, just be you. That's what it's all about. Being me. Things just need to settle now first. Thank you.
Hey TwoSocks. Congrats for talking to your mom and husband about what you've been going through. I'm glad they are both being supportive. I understand that sometimes labels can seem a little constricting however sometimes you just need to be able to put a name to how what you are feeling/experiencing. Please don't worry about your English you're doing great.
How amazing! That took some guts! I can't even imagine getting to the point of even telling my mom yet. I've gone from thinking I'm straight my whole life to being attracted to the same sex only in the last 2-3 months. At first I thought "I must be bisexual" but now I think I might actually be a lesbian. I don't know really. Good for you for having the courage to tell anyone. I'm really struggling with that.
Hello TwoSocks and welcome to EC. I have only been on this site a few months and it has helped and supported me so much. You can share and ask anything at all without any one judging you. You will soon realise how many of us are all going through the same or similar experiences. Never worry about starting threads, or commenting on others. You will be surprised at how beneficial it is to your mental state to actually just write things down and hear from other members about their experiences. None of us are alone in our journeys. And your English is beautiful. We are all on new journeys of discovering our real selves. Scary and exciting... and I think you realise that there is no other option for you now but to go with it. Rana, I'm 52... have grown children. Last year I had what I call my lightbulb moment! Apart from a few little things during my life I had no idea I was a lesbian. I thought at first I may be bi, but as my journey has progressed I am definitely not interested in men in anyway. I have shared most of my journey on here that you can read over if you wanted to in my previous threads. I fell in love with a woman. Not reciprocated and totally out of the blue. It has had me up and down ever since. But since being on this site and sharing, and I have been honest with my posts... I have received massive support from people in the same situation, or who have been in the same situation and are further long in their journeys. This site been vital to me in my journey. I can honestly say that even though I am not yet at the stage to come out fully I am really loving the person I am now and would not want to go back to the 'unreal, false living a lie me'. I look forward to chatting with you more on here, thanks for sharing JX
Thank you all so much... My mum still wants to talk to me about some of it.. she feels a bit guilty. She's scared she should have done things differently during my childhood, she should have seen things, she should have talked to me more. But I don't feel that way, I think I was supposed to be the person I was for the past 30 years. Life has always been full of journeys and it always will be. I love and understand myself so much more now and it just had to happen this way. I wrote her a letter explaining this. I just write a lot better than I talk. But it's still hard for me to write/talk out in the open on a website that anyone can access. Cause I usually write from my heart but now I think too much. I'm thinking about sharing more parts of my journey, for others to read and maybe it can help others. I'm a bit scared to post to others people's threads. Scared of saying the wrong things and I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be careful cause some people are in a very vulnerable place with their emotions. Also, if you don't know someone, it's hard to get a real clear picture of their situation just from reading. A part of me would like to come out to others.. just so they know. Cause now it feels like they only know half of me. But is it really that important? I don't know yet. edit: actually I'm also a bit scared. I knew my mum would understand, but with other people... I'm scared that I have to explain bisexuality, justify myself. At the same time it's not really their business what my sexuality is? I see myself freeze up trying to explain and feel horrible about myself later.
