Hey guys, I'm having a very hard time with coming to terms with how my marriage is unfolding. I feel on one hand that I desperately want to get back what I had and on the other hand that I know it won't be best for me or him in the long run. It's been such a complicated mess. I've posted on here about what transpired. And I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I know relationships are a two way street and I've tried not to blame him or myself more than our fair share. But I keep thinking, maybe if I weren't bisexual I would have been able to fix things. Hell, I think I might have a sexual preference to women but I don't know for sure. But I have a lot of romantic notions about men and creating a family. but I cheated on him with a woman. He says he cannot accept that I am attracted to women. There is no justification for cheating. I should have handled things differently but we have trouble communicating. As in I say something and he acts like a wall. Or says, "I'm not talking about this." So, yeah, I felt unheard, not validated. And sexually, like just awful. I could barely stand to have sec with him anymore and, oh, that is such a sad feeling. I can't do that to him. And, yes, he had issues with a strong strong preference towards anal which I didn't share but he admits he coerced me into for years and years. He didn't care what would wanted in bed so I stopped wanting anything. Or my body stopped wanting things but in my mind I so desperately wanted it to work for us that I went along with it. Now, things have gotten so bad we are separated in the same house. Moving towards legal separation and being physically separated which will be a blessing at this point because the tension is so unbearable. And, like a typical man (I know, I am so sorry for the generalization- please don't beat me up about it - I'm venting) he has escaped all this drama and has stopped communicating. I take the kids to scouts on Monday nights, he goes to a men's group on Tuesday nights and get in after the kids are asleep, he goes to guitar class on Wednesday night, then goes with a friend out on Thursday or Friday. He works Saturdays and, for the last 2 months, then leaves to go out of town skiing, getting back Monday evening. I stopped taking yoga because the kids need someone there! I do yoga at home now. I talked to him about how he is never home now and it's not fair to the kids, and his response was that it was no different than when I go out of town for work. WTF? So when he says shit like this, I think maybe I can't get past him being self centered. It's just always a struggle and I give up too much of myself. I think part of me finding myself, was also the acceptance of the fact I like women. And so fucking what!?! Yes, I love boobs and kissing women turns me on and I like it! It's who I am!! Despite that, what I had with my husband was special. A very special real and meaningful part of my life that I don't want to invalidate. I fell in love with him and this hurts! And we have two small kids that I don't know how I am going to see for only 50% of the time. Hopefully more. Thanks for reading.
Hi there I feel your consternation and angst . U and I have chAtted here before and for me since I cheated on my wife with men I understand the attraction part . However in our case my wife has been pretty damn good overall and we are working to try and reconcile but I am learning this takes a lot and long time , we are 7 months from dday and while we are enjoying a lot together there is a cloud overhead I always feel. She has not talked a ton about it but she is working at her pace so I remain patient . All I can say in your case be true to yourself and it sounds like he has no interest in reconciling which if that is the case you need to be happy and face that . One thing for my marriage is that the way it was is no over that marriage is over and if we fully reconcile we will begin a new one . For you to pretend what was , remains is false hope sorry to say . Hope you find peace it helps once you do
You are quite right. I'm in mourning over something that will never return. It's been 7 months since I told my husband I cheated too. At times I get really calm and centered and empowered that I will have the opportunity to discover more things about myself. I have looked into various meet ups and some LGBT things. I've allowed myself to really fantasize about dating a woman. I've also thought about dating men, but - eh I'm a little burnt on that right now and can't seem to get there mentally. With my husband gone all of the time, my relationship with my kids has never been better! We have gone camping, to the circus, on hikes, for walks,etc. making sure they are ok is my #1 priority. And I've been empowered that I'm doing all the stuff around the house - cleaning, mowing the yard, unclogging toilets, lol - all of it! This is a hard hard process. And no, I don't believe he has interest in reconcilling. I think we have moved apart too much and we just do not have the skills, desire, or whatever it would take to rebuild.
There is so much amazing life ahead for you and the kids and they are innocent victims of things so being grounded with them is important . Find the strength to find your happiness and you will be amazed once you do how happy you will be , it takes time but happens!
I'm sorry you're having to endure this. I was in the same boat, minus the having children part. After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I separated in November of last year. It's only been 5 months, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I have trouble even thinking about what it feels like to be married anymore, nevertheless why I chose to stay when I knew that it had long since been over. But I didn't want to admit to my feelings for women and break-up my husband and I and the family we had always planned to have. Now, when I think back, he too was self-centered and we had loads of issues. I was not an angel myself. Breaking up, although painful, was for the best. I'm out to most in my family. Some think of me as bisexual, some as gay, but it doesn't really matter. I know that my heart is going to be with a woman and that's okay. After having my first sexual experience with a woman, I don't even know why homosexuality is an issue. It felt so serene, so peaceful, so natural. The contour of her shape and smoothness of her skin...it felt so familiar...it felt like me. I can't give that up now, although some days I do have bouts of "I wish I could go back." There is comfort even in dysfunction, but my ex and I stay strong in knowing it's best that we not be together. It will take time and patience. My feelings have run the gamut, but in the end, I'll be a much different person because of it and so will you. My heart goes out to you tonight.
I believe you said so much that indicates you are on the right track with all this, no matter how difficult. You stated that with your husband gone your relationship with your children has improved (circus! hikes!), and you are also empowered to do all that stuff around the house, even unclogging toilets! Generally when we are on the right track in life, doing what's right for us, what's in line with our authentic selves we see improvement in all areas--our other relationships, and even our relationship with chores and all those mundane tasks. I think it's because we feel a weight lifted, feel comfortable with ourselves, feel energized and not drained. I know this is really hard, I know how hard you have struggled with this. But I think you have expressed a lot of evidence that shows you are headed in a good direction.
Dear OED27x, Wow I can totally relate to so much of your post, it's crazy. I am bi too (I'm a guy), and I've been trying to find myself and accept my sexuality as well-I used to be so ashamed of liking guys but now I have your attitude about it...It's who I am! I'm also having martial problems with my wife and we are close to separating, we fight a lot, etc. Like you, part of me wants to move forward with my life, while another part of me would like to get back to what we had. Also, like you, I cheated (w/a guy), something I am not proud of at all and wish I wouldn't have done. Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear that you have all of this going on with your husband, but just know you are not alone with what you are struggling with.
@hrbch01 I hear u too as I cheated on my wife but it been going on for 7 years , but I will say since she confronted me and we both seemed therapy things have improved a lot and we never separated and well I admitted everything to her and in fact she joined me at Miami pride this weekend with group of friends . So we are working on making it all work for both of us . Being honest and remorseful is and was the key
Y'all, thank each and everyone of you for reading my post and offering your support and sharing your stories. It really amazes me to know there are so many of us who share common threads in our lives. For several years now, It's become more and more apparent to me that the vulnerabilities we share are one of the ways we connect as human beings. We are all in tough spots - different stages of our journeys. I am having just a tremendously hard time accepting my marriage as over. I've asked for the separation too! It's such a bizarre disjointed feeling of wanting the past and excited about the future. Mourning the failure of my marriage and coming to terms with the fact that relationship is over. I'm hoping my husband and I can remain friends. And I will work towards that. I don't know if he will. Every remark he has made suggests he can't wait to get away from me. Maybe because he says, 'I can't wait to get away from you.' Regardless, I'm grateful for this site and for the support of 'anonymous friends'. Rock on my LGBT crew!
OED27x, I know you have the consternation and realities of the life changes you are facing , I would suggest your marriage did not fail, but your lives have evolved and the compatibility of your marriage no longer matches. You did not have any malice nor intention to your husband. I understand his feelings as my wife has many hurt feelings too. His anger is natural and a defense mechanism for him so he can not be part of the separation and blame only you but reality is it takes two to separate not one. Keep positive attitude and find the place in your heart to forgive yourself and move on to the life you are Destined for.
Caliwoman - so much resonates with me. Hell, you even said 'I'm no angel' one of my favorite sayings. And, you're right, after my first real sexual experience with a woman, ibeyond just kissing, I just was left feeling like it was the most natural thing in the world. Absolutely beautiful. ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2017 at 08:09 PM ---------- Thank you! Yes, you are right. We did evolve...which is natural/unavoidable/desirable to growth as human beings! I felt us moving away from each other. Like when you are in the ocean and you look back towards shore, the waves move you, and you realize you are being pulled along by the undertow.
