Feeling paralyzed

You are in a tough situation for sure. The way for this to get better is to start taking baby steps in the direction that you need to go.

You said that you've known you're gay since puberty, so I'm going to assume that you are gay. If you have any doubt, let us know.

It's not your fault that you haven't been honest. You probably learned growing up that being gay is wrong or evil, and you didn't want to be gay because that would make you a bad person. You were reacting reasonably to your upbringing. You can't change the past, so try to forgive yourself. What matters now is that you be honest with yourself and your wife when the time is right.

I agree that it's a good idea to wait until the birth of your second child before sharing this with your wife. In the meantime, you need to get some help for yourself so that you can support your family during your wife's pregnancy. The way to do this is to take care of yourself, which means sharing your experience here on EC and talking to a therapist in real life. While this is scary, seeing a therapist is something that you can do because you've scheduled medical appointments in the past. So try to think of it as you're just scheduling an appointment, which should make it easier to do. I agree that you'll need to do some research to find a gay therapist.

You are in a tough situation. Please take care of yourself so you can help your family. Break scary things into smaller baby steps. Once you get going, you'll start building momentum towards feeling better.

(&&&)
HTH

 

If sexual behavior is part of the equation, then would you argue that people cannot identify as gay until they've had a gay experience? Or bi? Or straight even?

I knew I was attracted to men from the time I was 12. I didn't have sexual contact with anybody until I was 19. Was I straight until then by default?

 

Another married man here with kids. I hope my little story helps out. Now while I'm not gay (my label = bi) I can relate to having attractions to men and keeping it a secret, well into a marriage and family. For me, the thought of having to hide this from my wife any longer was too much and during some troubles during our marriage, I blurted it out. You'd be surprised how much our significant others can handle and how many may want to work things out with us, one way or another. Now while I agree that right this instant may not be the best time to drop this on her, while she's pregnant, I do think that it would benefit you and her if you did tell her. From my experience, just being honest and telling her calmly and slowly might be better than casually telling her you saw a hot guy. I think letting the mind wander might be worse for her and possibly you. I do also highly recommend you seek out a counselor, as suggested by others. As soon as I told my wife about me, she urged me to see a counselor and it's the best thing I could have done. I felt better after telling my wife, but I felt a lot better that I was actively speaking to someones else about all of feelings associated with my new identity. I do advise you to please take that step to find a counselor. You could even see a different counselor if you don't hit it off with your first one. And of course, the community here at EC has been a major help to me and others, so keep posting.

 

It sounds like the emotional connection with the other guy may have been more important than any physical connection, which makes sense if you're not getting the emotional nourishment (for lack of a better word) that you need from your current relationships. I would focus on getting that sort of emotional connection going and seeing if you can get what you need without the sexual involvement. Having a good male therapist may be a good place to start. Focus on your emotional needs, not on the labels that get thrown around.

 

I think waiting 4-5 years would probably be too difficult. Maybe go and see the counselor since you do have permission and weigh your options with your counselor. You know your wife. Do you think she would want you out immediately if you tell her after your baby is born? Many of us that have told our wives, have found them to be more supportive than we thought and less angry than we feared. That's not to say it doesn't happen, but I've read many times that spouses have at least tried to understand and be supportive. Some stay and want to work it out and others help out and are patient during a transition period.

 

I know people who are doing the co-parenting thing with kids under the age of 4. They're not together, but they make parenting work. And sexuality had nothing to do with their separation. If you felt you needed to go this route, and it sounds like you do think that (since you classify 4-5 years as something you don't think you can handle), it is very possible to make work.

I wouldn't tell her while she's pregnant, because that level of stress just seems unfair. But I wouldn't sentence yourself to half a decade of being miserable either.

 

Hi ARB,

I really feel for your situation and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

I've known I was gay since puberty as well. For many of the reasons mentioned here in the comments, such as shame, fear, guilt and the desire to be "normal" I also married a woman and fathered two children.

My situation was different than you because I didn't interact with any gay men during those years of raising my kids. I went through many stages of identifying as straight or bi and often concluded that my "gay side" was just a kink or fetish, some quirky part of me that no one needed to know about. But I was able to stay in denial quite firmly until a couple of years ago when I came out to myself. I then went through a two-year period of where you are now. The inability to eat or sleep, the constant anxiety and build-up of depression took its toll on me. I too had people asking me if I was okay, because clearly there was something wrong with me.

By that point, last summer, I was no longer able to keep it all contained and I came out to my wife. My kids are 13 and 16, so I'm farther down the line than you. I can tell you that if you are already in turmoil now, I would suggest that you likely will be unable to contain this for years to come.

Please know that you aren't alone here. There are so many of us who have faced your same struggle, and we'll all be here whenever you need us. Please keep posting and reading here on EC.

I can't promise you that everything will turn out great. You have quite an uphill climb ahead of you. But it can be done. I'm living proof of it.

Take care. ride:

 

ARB,

I was raised in a really homophobic family, and my father condemned me when he found out about some sexual exploration with a boy when I was 12. He threatened to disown me and I've never quite been the same since, even now that I'm 44. When your father disapproves of you and when you feel that a core part of you is flawed it creates a very toxic shame that seeps into many areas of life. I'm now seeing the effects of toxic shame and internalized homophobia in my life, and it's directly attributable to my father's rejection.

I've never married and I can only imagine how difficult it is to face this situation. However the kind of internalized shame that you describe is very familiar.

My thought is that you would benefit from seeing a therapist so that you can have a safe space to be yourself and explore ways to move forward and heal. Most LGBT friendly and affirming therapists list sexuality and orientation in their areas of speciality, and will state that they are LGBT affirming. You can also get a referral to an affirming therapist from your local LGBT community center. Barring any of those, you can get a referral from your workplace employee assistance program (in confidence) by asking for an LGBT affirming therapist - they should have a list.

After that, just call a few and talk to them for a few minutes to get a sense of who they are, whether you like them, and how they treat clients. "Cognitive behavioral" therapy is common, it's very effective, and it is good for anxiety and depression like what you describe. It's basically uncovering irrational thinking and mental distortions that contribute to depression. Of course that's a very complex process, but the nugget is that depression and anxiety are rooted in distorted thinking.

With the right therapist, I would strongly recommend looking at the impact of your father and his rejection in your life. The avoidance of shame and the preservation of parental love are really strong motivators that can have devastating consequences when we don't understand their unseen influence in our lives when parents aren't as accepting as we would need. Briefly, in my opinion it's not a good idea to take the advice of the other gay married man (as well-intentioned as he may be) because he is facing a similar situation and may not be objective or well-informed. I would get professional help form someone qualified to work with sexuality, anxiety, and depression.

Please take the steps necessary to love yourself and be compassionate towards yourself through this difficult time. As much as you can get lots of sleep, eat well, exercise, and try to be with friends. I know those are simple things that your mom would tell you, but they're also good self-care that we tend to forget when we're depressed or going through self-blame.

Above all, love yourself. You are attracted to men most likely from birth, and you are going to need to find a way of being a whole person. That may take time but I promise it's worth the journey.

Patrick

 

Your perspective is correct. Having slept with woman and being gay can be mutually exclusive from my perspective. This was certainly my experience.