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My long time friend who is gay is proposing for arranged marriage

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Blinko, Apr 9, 2017.

  1. Blinko

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    My issue is somewhat more of a dilemma. Well, I am a lesbian who lives in a very homophobic country and for the sake of coming-out consequences, I already live a lie. I don't discuss my dating life with my family or friends because they are already so critical of the community. Five years ago I met a guy (gay) who we instantly clicked and we came out to each other the same night. We joked about getting married in future to conceal our orientation. We have been friends since then and at times I play 'the girlfriend' in some social occasions.
    Towards the end of last year he started telling me that he is under pressure from his parents to introduce someone and having children. He formally proposed and i was just quiet because am not sure. He proppsed again last week and i am feeling the pressure.
    He's 31and I am 26 and he has achieved most of what he aspires career wise and personal achievements. On the other hand I am not financially stable and am still working towards building my personality. I am not even sure if I want marriage life or children. I am so stressed out because he is a really close friend and I wouldn't want to hurt him.
    Furthermore, he says that he will take care of me if we get married but I believe in independence and have never encountered any situation where such marriages have succeeded in the past.
    What do I do?
    Thanks for your time
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    It's a difficult situation to live in a homophobic country where coming out is far riskier than here in the US. Part of your decision needs to be based on the status of the LGBT community in your country and its trajectory (that is, does it make sense to come out and be part of the change in the near future).

    His marriage proposal seems like a far more workable solution than a marriage to a straight guy. It sounds like you hit is off as friends, which is a good thing.

    It also sounds like you want to say no in your heart.

    You need to balance your heart with the realities of living in your country.

    If you remain single, how much stigma / pressure to get married will you face as you get older? Would you ever want to live somewhere else?

    It seems like he is facing pressure to get married and is looking to you as his solution. Whatever you decide, you need to examine and make sure that you are entering or not entering the marriage for sound reasons. If you really don't want to get married, then be honest with him about the reasons.
     
  3. Peterpangirl

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    I think Sienna Fire offers sound advice. One thing I would add is that by far the most binding thing you can do in terms of your future is to have children with someone. In my opinion, that is what ties you down more than anything else. Whatever else you decide, I would definitely delay on having children until you are clear about whether you want children or not. My heart absolutely goes out to you. This is certainly a very difficult situation for you and I can see the logic of your friend's suggestion.
     
  4. smurf

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    Gay gusy and lesbian women have been marrying each other out of survival for many man y years. If handled correctly, its a life saver and will allow you survive while also being able to create a space where you can be yourself.

    If you go ahead with the arrangement, I think its important to talk to your friend about his expectations so you both know what you are all getting into.

    Does he expect you to stop working? Are kids expected? Would you be able to fake that you are unable to conceive kids? How will you guys handle when one of you finds a gf or bf? Will you guys be allowed to have sex with other people? Will you be allowed to date?

    Talk about your expectations and fears with him. If he is unable to have that conversation, then that's a red flag for you.
     
  5. CameOutSwinging

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    Just wanted to second this advice.
     
  6. Blinko

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    Yeah. I agree with the rhetorics. I am trying to weigh the level of stigma that comes with staying single for life and the internal pressure to get married and raise kids in a 'conventional' manner.

    It is a fact that I would want to live somewhere else where being a lesbian is not so baaaadd but I got other constraints of relocation.

    He is sort of the 'ideal' person to live with and raise a child and I fear that if I delay to answer him I might never get that chance and time ( five years) to get to know a person that well and even consider a union

    ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2017 at 06:28 AM ----------

    Sure...the having children part somehow scares me because its part of the plan as a married couple. I do not want kids now but I might want to do so in future. The getting intimate part is the core of the problem. I have never had sex with a man and do not know if I can be brave enough to do it and IVF is not part of our equation. And now my experience will be with a gay man. You get what am saying.
    He is very bright and sensible and maybe the ideal guy to have a family with. Have such arrangements successfully worked before?

    ---------- Post added 12th Apr 2017 at 06:32 AM ----------

    We have not yet gone through the expectations list. I'll definitely suggest so because as at the moment its like the topic comes up and we laugh about as serious as I know he is in to it. Thanks for your recommendations. I'll definitely use this as a start of the conversation
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    Have you been in touch with the National Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission in Nairobi? They are an LGBT activist group in Kenya and they may have some guidance that may be helpful. I attended an activist summit recently and once of their members spoke, they seem to be doing some great work there!
     
  8. Blinko

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    Nope...am just getting to learn about the organisation. I'm looking it up and i see they mainly deal with legal issues pertaining to the criminalisation of private sexual acts basically around the community. Hope I'll get the guidance I need though on arranged marriage.
    Thanks though
     
    #8 Blinko, Apr 12, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2017
  9. OnTheHighway

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    Themselves may not be able to address your specific question, agreed. However, they may help you find a local network of people you can tap into so you can talk to others locally with better perspectives. Your looking to make a monumental decision. Get as much guidance from as many people as possible, and the more people you speak to locally that can better relate to what your going through, the clearer it may help you as you look to make a decision.
     
  10. Blinko

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    I am meeting one of the administrators to talk with. Thanks so much for the reference
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    Good luck! Keep us posted. (*hug*)
     
  12. Blinko

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    Well I talked to one of the admin and the main insight was on the openness in the communication between my friend and I. Sadly, there is a low percentage on the success such unions where a gay guy and a lesbian marry to satisfy societal obligations here in the country. Most lesbians here would rather raise a child their own or marry a straight guy who knows nothing of their past. Its a sad reality but I have to talk with him and see where it goes.
    The issue of marriage is still a hot topic but sadly I have to postpone it. Just because I like him and would wanna have his child if I decide to bear children in future, I'm gonna be honest to him about my fears and lack of readiness on the marriage issue. Am so nervous because I know he is desperate and I'll dissapoint him but I have to show some consideration for myself. It is a fact that I'm not ready for marriage and it will complicate issues for me if I introduce someone at home as my fiance or he introduces someone as his fiance to his home and then we eventually break up because I was not a hundred percent into the arrangement.
    I'm sooooo nervous but I hope to power through
     
  13. OnTheHighway

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    It sounds like you had a thoughtful discussion. And it's good your thinking through things carefully. So, the discussion was a worthy one!
     
  14. Tomás1

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    Reading the dialog & your situation, my mind's voice responded: "2 halves don't always make a whole"… meaning u & your gay friend, altho you have compatibility in some aspects … are lacking the essential marriage ingredient of being in love. When u don't have love, u don't have the glue that holds a marriage together thru the many ups & downs of marriage.

    I'm hesitant to mention my other intuition, but here goes. U mentioned marriage to a man: how about opening yourself to that possibility? Maybe try baby steps: opening yourself to a man you have some compatibility with. Try holding hands … how's that feel? Or perhaps w a bisexual man? How about having a child, and raising it w another woman? These are all explorations to find a way that works for you.
     
  15. Blinko

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    Thanks I appreciate
     
  16. OnTheHighway

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    Hopefully when you spoke to the admin, you heard other suggestions that you can contemplate - maybe other groups to get involved with? The more you can surround yourself with others similarly situated, the more comfort you might gain personally.
     
  17. Blinko

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    Its okay to have that intuition which I may consider in the near future.

    The issue came about out of pressure from a close pal that wanted marriage and maybe the union would not offer the basic qualities that characterise love in marriage such as me and him holding hands or behaving like a conventional couple in a 'genuine' and not just ' faking' manner.
    I agree and have considered in future that if I decide to cave to the expectations of my community I'd just try dating a guy that I find and can see and create compatibility with.

    Raising a child with a woman is also an option though that shall be viewed as living as a single mother ( ' with a long time friend) which is still frowned upon in my culture. But with possibly a better status (life achievements) that I hope to gain in time the judgement shall be minimal if at all any.
    And maybe that brings me back to the point of achieving some of my career and personal goals before considering starting a family and having kids.

    Thanks for your time to advice...it feels good to discuss and take on different perspectives. There are so many things that fall into consideration while weighing the pros and fons of getting into an arranged union.

    Despite the friendship I have with him, I have to be comfortable with whatever decision that I make regarding this matter.
     
  18. Tomás1

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    Just a comment about your stm "being frowned on in the culture".

    I urge u to investigate & inquire within about this. It reminds me of my mother's admonition "what would the neighbors think?"

    Both of these are fear based, in my view. There may be some things that are dangerous, there are always dangerous people to be avoided. Yet the way culture advances, to a more kind & just place, is by individuals, such as u & I, taking risks & being truthful. Often our fears about the culture are internal, & not reality based.
     
  19. Blinko

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    Sadly the only kind of same sex unions allowed here are in situations where a woman cannot get a kid either because she is barren or because of age reasons so she 'marries' a younger wife who is related to her and let's her husband conceive with her 'wife' but the children belong to the barren couple and not the wife's wife.

    On the general outlook of my culture on the issue of same sex unions: people are very vocal about their opposition to it. My parents for instance are very very religious and at the same time follow the required aspects of the culture from which they hail from. They think its a very heinous act/ practice that is unnatural and a curse to the family that has such a kid. I have tried on many occasions to bring up the topic so that I see how accepting they are but they aren't tolerating at all.
    Furthermore, according to the laws of this country all homosexual acts are illegal and people get reported and arrested for participating in such acts. Hence, the gradient of change for the future on acceptance of gay people is not promising.

    However I agree that we can only change perceptions that are based on culture by being true to ourselves and live freely. The magnitude of my fear somewhat outweighs the imagination of how my family shall be hurt and maybe abandon me if I come out. Its a closely knit network and I can say members that 'deviate' from carrying the good name of the family are usually abandoned. Being openly gay for me shall bring severe consequence so I just choose to keep my sexuality to myself. I live in the city so I can date girls and keep it to some of my friends that are open minded.

    ---------- Post added 20th Apr 2017 at 07:29 AM ----------

    And to add on this, there are families and I'd say 'tribes' that are more accepting of what most people call the ' Western' way of life. For example, I once dated a girl who had lived in the US for 5years and she even introduced me to her family (her grandmother) and relatives and they were so welcoming and accepting. But when I wanted to introduce her to my family my sister made a general negative comment that made me think twice.
     
    #19 Blinko, Apr 20, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
  20. OnTheHighway

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    Kenya is still way behind the curve when it comes to equality and nondiscrimination where same sex relations are still illegal. It must be very hard to live in such an environment, particularly when the country is so beautiful in so many other ways. The last time I was in Kenya, I found people there to be very warm and friendly - that said, only a very few number of people i was with knew that I was gay.

    Recently, I had visited with some people working to try and change perceptions there, and broad international support exists working with local organizations to do so. However, the international support can only do so much when the local government is doing what it can to resist progress.

    Be careful please while you look to live your life as authentically as you can!
     
    #20 OnTheHighway, Apr 20, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017