Last year I fell in love with a woman. Not reciprocated, brand new feelings for me, a year followed that has been full of confusion and questioning and looking at myself and learning to become accepting of these feelings and looking at how I want to move forward from here. I like who I am now. I feel more real, alive and confident than I have done for years and although I do not know what the future will bring I am both scared and excited to see what happens next. For some of you on here that have been there with me for a lot of this journey you have helped me so much by giving me your thoughts and sharing your experiences with me. You have been such a support and lifeline. I would not be as comfortable as I am now or in fact as sane as I am if It hadn't been for all of you. A month ago I came out to a friend. She has been a rock. So understanding and supportive and our friendship has gone to a new level. We talk about everything and when I spend time with her I feel so at ease. I feel that I can be myself, real, relaxed... I could go on but I think you get my meaning. I don't feel uncomfortable with my other friends but I am noticing more and more that it doesn't matter how much time I spend with them I just don't seem to enjoy the things we do as much as I did before I accepted that I am a lesbian. I find myself saying more and more that I can't make certain social events, they just don't seem to interest me and when I have been to some I find myself on my phone, checking facebook or EC. I do enjoy smaller get togethers with my closest 4 friends, and do still love all my friends... not quite sure why I am feeling like this. Last night when talking to my friend I was trying to explain this feeling to her. She said that I was outgrowing them. It sounded awful when I heard her say this but she said that I am finding myself and the new me at the moment and she feels that I do need to make some new friends, friends that have similar feelings and are going through or have been through what I am experiencing at the moment. She said that some people are happy to stay as they are, that they have accepted their lives and are either content with them or not in a position or feel they can change the lives they have. She said that I know deep down that I have to move forward to see what could be in my future. And that I am needing more from life and need to go out a grab it. Has anyone else experienced these feelings. I do love my friends and will always be there for them as I know they will be for me. I am wondering if when I have been to a few lesbian meetups that I may tell more of my friends what is happening with me and by doing that this feeling may subside. I originally decided that I would not tell anyone else until I had maybe met someone... it may be that doesn't happen for years. It may not happen at all but because of how I came to realise I was gay it would make it hard to explain to my family how I knew I was a lesbian by saying I had fell for someone. Someone would ask who and I can't share that with anyone. (explained in previous posts) I think it would be easier for me to tell them if I did meet someone, has anyone else done anything like this? Is this all part of the process... it is a process isn't it. Going through stages of confusion, accepting, progressing, feeling high, feeling low... noticing how your feelings can change and your whole outlook on life can change too! I am so grateful for this site. I can just sit and share all my feelings without worrying x
I am sure that you'll meet someone this year. You are such a kind and caring person. You are intelligent, thoughtful and might need to work on your self esteem a little more. Once you've been to a few meetups I'm sure you'll make some more friends who you'll feel at ease with.
Hey there, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree, EC is a wonderful forum to express yourself without feeling too self conscious and I'm finding it very comforting to know I am not the only one in this situation!! I have not experienced exactly what you are feeling; however I do remember feeling that way when my mom died. Essentially it's a transformative period in your life. I found it very difficult to relate to others because I was going through something so personal and, unless they had experienced significant loss, it was hard to really connect for a while. It wa a huge emotional growth period. So what I'm saying is this is a similar thing in that you are experiencing personal and emotional growth.
I think your friend is right. We've discovered all these new and exciting things about ourselves and we feel so different than before much of the time. I lost interest in a lot of things and people I used to enjoy. Not that I don't like them any more but I currently can't be bothered to pursue anything with them. I think it must be like learning we have a new, wonderful skill/super power and we can't wait to try it out any chance we get. But we need to find new people who also have this power so we can enjoy this common experience. Because everything is more enjoyable when there are others to enjoy it with you, right? We all just want to find the Wonder Woman to our Supergirl. Did I take that analogy far enough?
We allow ourselves to become who we were meant to be instead of following the crowd. It's happening to now too and I honestly enjoy it. When I was younger, I was terrified of it because I loved my old friends but I know that I'm outgrowing them too.
I know what you mean by the outgrowing! I have realized that for some friendships, interests, hobbies--whatever, there truly is a 'season'. And sometimes that season ends or needs to end to make way for the new. I had this friend group. These were a group of women I connected with when going through my divorce (many years ago!). Some of them were divorcing too, and I found them to be supportive and helpful at this time. We would go out, were involved in some hobbies, and participated in athletic events together. They are all good people, nice people etc. etc. But over the past couple of years I have realized they are a bit negative, and can kind of drag me down. A lot of what we initially bonded over was complaining about our husbands or soon to be ex husbands. Which for sure was helpful and maybe necessary in my life at that time! Since then though I have changed, I have grown. I have learned what is important to me, and not, and what I want in my life and don't. And I was finding more and more that when I hung out with these women I just didn't feel like we were on the same page anymore...I would leave outings with them feeling more drained than uplifted. Maybe too their relationship with me was just season in time, we are all growing, but in different directions. It's not just my relationship with a woman that changed me (or my like put me more in touch with the real me.) It has been a lot of stuff over the past 10 or so years, unexpected challenges, and twists and turns that I wasn't always sure I was going to make it through! But I did. My realizing my sexuality, though big of course, has only been a part of this 'journey to me'. A journey that still evolves in the way you point out..confusion, accepting, progressing and the highs and lows! Perhaps at this time your feelings of outgrowing some of your friends is the same as what I experienced with my friend group mentioned above. Maybe you are just realizing the season for those friendships has passed. I talked to one of my guy friends about this whole concept and he said much what your friend did, 'I think you've outgrown them. I think you need to limit your contact now...to make room for new people, more positive people, people who uplift you, you'll be glad you did.' And I have, I haven't ditched them, we're still friendly, but I don't really go out with them anymore. I will always know though they were there for me during a difficult season of my life...my divorce. I understand why you would be hesitant to come out and to name the woman you had fallen for. As I gather she is in your social circle and your family knows her. (I am glad though you have that one friend you can reveal EVERYTHING to and that she is such a support for you!) And if it feels more comfortable to wait until you have a relationship to come out, that's fine! It's your timetable. I will add though that even having had a relationship with a woman doesn't necessarily validate my being a lesbian to some people! I'm the one with the parents who believe 'this' is all the path my girlfriend led me down. Something that was a 'transgression' on my part because of her. Now that we are broken up they very much have the feeling of 'thank God she has come to her senses on all that!' Whatever. My parents are almost 80...I could be walking to the alter with a woman and they still wouldn't get it! Fortunately I have the most supportive siblings and other friends who do get it, and truly just want me to be happy! With my parents I just don't even try to 'make' them get it because it just is a big :bang: I'm glad you brought up the outgrowing of friends! I guess as we grow we just also outgrow people and interests too! Always a journey....
What lovely comments, thank you xxx I think what NerdByNature said 'at being at ease' with people exactly sums up how I feel when I am with my friend. I can be just me and we actually make jokes about my sexuality now. And she started that! Just little comments, discreet, but it really does make me feel at ease. We were at a comedy club night last Friday and I was looking round the room. I was just looking to see if there was anyone else I knew! She whispered in my ear 'see anyone that catches your eye' I laughed outloud! After she said that I must admit I did look again, but it wasn't the right place and I think when I am somewhere planned and I am looking there won't be any chance of me making the mistake I made before. Again... this will not happen within my current friendship group. I read a post on here earlier about someone actually getting together with someone for their first time. Years ago when I was out and about it was easy. If you were in a bar or a club, you would make eye contact with someone... or be asked if you would like a drink. This is something that is going to be very strange for me. But I am sure I will not be alone and there are loads of people just like me that will be there for lots of the same reasons. I am looking forward to that moment more and more, and I think as Really said, my new found gay super powers are helping me move forward with this. I have arranged a meetup at the end of April. It should have been last weekend but I had the flu so had to cancel. I was so gutted! I am off work for 2 weeks over Easter and on Wednesday went to the town where the venue is. Apparently it's the biggest gay club in Brighton. We found it but as we had 2 of our kids with us we didn't go in. I was so close. OED27x I think you have hit a nail on the head about being with people with like for like thoughts, whether it's a separation or a loss. My friend group at the moment consists mainly of single women, all decided that they have given up with men for many different reasons. We mainly stick to our local pub restaurant, I was mainly the one to arrange it as I needed to be out and doing something. I do love them, but have noticed that I do just sit and listen now and as Moonsparkle said, and OMG I am so glad I started this thread as what you said made so much sense. Seasons. It is like that. And after I read your post I thought back and I have had that many time before, friendship seasons. I have stayed in touch with most of the friends I have, some I have left behind as they have just become boring, irritating and yes dragging me down. I have felt guilty that we have parted close friends, but sometimes being with some people is such hard work. Some friends seems so negative and seem to have no intention of changing and I was being dragged along with them. We all stay in touch on facebook but some I hardly reply to. A lot of these 'seasons' was before I realised I was gay... I just kept moving on even then! I typed a long post on here last week and clicked the wrong button and lost it. I was so tired and didn't attempt to re-type. In that post I put a bit about transformation. Never in my life would I have typed anything like this but this transformation seems to be allowing me to express myself like never before. I had put that I feel like a butterfly. Going through a change and wanting to spread my wings. And as Linkmaste said I feel like I am becoming who I want to be... not following the crowd! One of my friends got quite snappy with me one evening and I do feel a bit of a cold edge from her when we all meet up now. Strained. I get the feeling she wants to ask me something... she can get quite snappy. I have so much energy at the moment and while out for dinner in our group I suggested we go out again the following night too... she snapped. "what the fucks the matter with you" She actually said "slow down" My feelings changed there and then. That made me realise that something in me had changed for good! She messaged me the other day as I shared a quote of facebook. It was one that said, it's a hard journey but the destination is worth it... something along those lines. I share a few here and there as they are not normally things I would share. I think deep down (and someone suggested this to me on here) that I am putting out little clues. Nothing major that would make anyone sit up and think Hey! She's gay... she will be coming out soon! But just little things here and there. She asked if I was ok? What's the matter with you? I just said I liked the quote. I am not looking forward to telling her, but as I have known her so long she will be one of the first I will need to tell. Another friend I have known for 45 years said something a bit distasteful during a programme on transsexuals. It made me realise how naïve, negative and unreal she was. Never noticed that in her before. That will be another hard tell. My friend that I am confiding in isn't one of my group of friends. She's a bit of a loner. She is quite fussy who she is friends with and can't be bothered to be around people that she finds false or boring. Not everyone has the same taste in people and it's never been a problem. I seem to be spending more time with her, and the other night another friend asked what I had been upto. 3 of the things I had done the previous week was with my 'loner friend' The friend asking just gave me this sort of sweet smile! Now I may have just been a bit paranoid but I had the feeling she thought something was going on between us! There were a few of us out that night and it was noisy and the conversation didn't carry on. But that made me smile. I haven't told my 'loner' friend. I will wait and see if the subject comes up at a later date! Moonsparkle, this woman isn't in this country. She is related by a family marriage. I don't see her except when I visit my grandchildren abroad, but she will always be there. She got back in touch after 4 months as we will have a relationship of sorts within the family. No getting around this one. She asked at the beginning when all this happened if I was a lesbian. I answered no. She said if I was it wouldn't be a problem. She was just trying to understand how it all happened. I hadn't done anything towards any sort of recovery then. That was my staring into space lovesick period. I feel that at some point to explain to her what has happened since that point. I will deal with that then and will probably be on here for more advice xxx As for family. I think 2 of my boys will be ok. One is abroad so hopefully I will be able to arrange it that I can tell him while I am there and not on skype and one son I am not sure of. Quiet, deep thinking. Will probably grunt and say ok! My mum and dad are not living. A sister that will probably ask 'are you sure' A brother I don't see much of and will just send him a text! I will think of the crudest way to explain it to him as I will enjoy the thought of his shocked face when he reads it! We don't get on that well but I know his wife follows me on Facebook so I would want to tell him first. Work colleagues... that will be a hard one. I know some think of themselves as broadminded but I will have to think that one carefully. Oh dear I have rambled again and my thoughts have come surging out again. xx
