I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, it's just something that's come up for me over the past couple of days that's started to feel really powerful. It's only meant to talk about my feelings, I know that not everyone will be able to relate to this, we're all so different. I'm not even sure where I'll go with this, it may turn into a stream of consciousness.... So here goes. ---- They've always said I was a dyke. They didn't always use that word, but even when they chose to attack me using other words, about my boyish clothes, my hair, the way I walk and talk, play rough, the word was always there underneath it all. My sexuality was always assumed in the way I expressed myself. The word has been flung at me from cowards in moving cars, from the primped up princesses in highschool, from the kids in the playground who probably didn't even know what it means… The insinuation was flung at me too, even when the word wasn't used. They may have said lesbian, but their ugly tone said what they didn’t. Men who'd hit on me and not get very far, "ah she's a f*ing lesbian". From the people who themselves felt small and wanted me to feel small, they took a look at me and made assumptions… Sometimes I've changed the way I dress, the way I sit, the way I stand, trying to escape that assumption. Sometimes I've been stronger, more confident, and express who I am, how I feel about my gender. And the same for my sexuality, sometimes I let myself feel and think and explore what I felt inside. But years of presumptions packed onto me, on to my gender and onto my sexuality, it has made me want to untangle it, to discard the presumptions, reject them… But I am…. Well, I am a dyke. If what they mean when they say it is that I like women, yes I do. If what they mean is that I'm not like other girls or women, well I'm not. I have looked at and thought about my body from the time I was small and believed there is a missing piece. I have felt it through much of my life. That's a strong feeling, and it means something. But I also like the body I have, my curves, my breasts. I feel a powerful sense of home when I dress those curves in masculine clothes. I love my curves, I love the way my body feels as a female body when I feel the love of another female body pressed against it. I'm awakening. To my sexuality, to my gender. And the truth is, they're right. My gender, my male way of being, acting, moving, it's tied to my sexuality. I cannot untangle those two things. I don't want to. I love my femaleness within my maleness. And I love the way it feels to know that I am a woman with another woman, I feel at home, it feels natural, right, real. I *need* to dress and move and sit and stand in masculine clothes, in masculine ways. It is part of my being. But my body feels like it was made to move as a female body, with another woman's body, my female body feels complete and natural to me when I'm intimate with a woman. I need to be and dress and feel all the things that have always made me different from other women, to express it, to feel it, but I also need the female parts of me too. Both of these needs run parallel to eachother, they're equal in strength and importance in my core being. I don't know if anyone can relate to anything I'm saying here…. Does any of this strike a chord with anyone?
I hope it's clear I'm not using the word in a disparaging way, What im trying to express is that I've rejected that label because of the ugliness that people were throwing at me when they used it. And ive not just rejected that label, I've also rejected parts of me in the process. But now i've become proud about all of those things that are associated with that term.... I'm proud of who I am, and I'm realising as well that my gender and sexuality are tied to eachother. And that's who I am.
I can remember assumptions being made about my sexuality at secondary school, which I assume was because I didn't date anyone or really show an interest in dating anyone, whist I was there. I was probably at my most tomboy-ish then too. But that (as I remember it), came out of a reluctance to do things that other girls my age were doing, like wear make-up. I felt it as embarrassment about growing-up, with the sense that I had to do these things because I was female. In part I wanted to do them to fit in, but I didn't feel comfortable with it either. Similarly, when I think about why I never had a boyfriend whilst at school, I can't decide whether the idea terrified me because I was (unknowingly) gay or because I had broader issues about growing-up. I find what you've said about needed to dress masculine really interesting. After I'd been questioning for a few months I began dressing more masculine. For me, it was a way of expressing my questioning/feelings, etc. without coming out. That probably sounds stupid. I still do it though, and other days I dress feminine. I think with time, I'm accepting that it doesn't have to all make sense. Great post. Really made me think. You always come across as having a good understanding of yourself, which helps me look at myself in different ways. Apologies that I've gone off on a tangent in places.
i know exactly what you mean. i kept my femine "attributes" hidden so as not to be the F*g or queer. in fact the week before i came out, the first time, to my parents my dad was talking about a person he had to deal with who he referred to as a F'ing queer.... felt like a kick in the head. so after i came out i took that and made it mine. i say im queer and mean it. no one can insult you with who you are. just as well to say you're such a "jedi" if someone says you're such a dyke. hope that came through clearly.
Yes, make it your own. My ex was very much like this. She doesn't wear girl clothes or makeup, yet she owns her curves and loves being a woman. I learned so much from her. I also know how people looked at her. Once we were in a hotel in Memphis and it was time to get breakfast so we went downstairs. When she said she just wanted to get it and go back to the room because people stare, I didn't get it. But....she was absolutely correct. When you don't fit into the standard gender norm, especially in the South, you are going to have eyes looking at you a different way. It's crazy.
I love being called a dyke! Seriously, I hold the label with pride. But I am probably different than a lot of people who consider themselves LGBTQ. I like labels. I LOVE LABELS. They give me a sense of . . . security. Power. The ones that are meant to be derogatory? Hey, whatever -- take 'em back and wear 'em with honor. I love being a lesbian. More specifically, I love being a non-gender-conforming-lesbian. I am the definition of androgynous. I definitely identify as a woman. I am comfortable in the body I was born with. But I have short hair, and I wear clothes from the boy's section (I'm petite), and sometimes I'm called "sir" by accident, haha. It used to bother me; it doesn't anymore. I also wear mascara and / or eyeliner about 50% of the time. And I'm needy and moody and I love romantic comedies and I love babies and I cry during commercials sometimes. I am who I am. And I love it. Dyke all the way!
I relate to this as well. I have the same relationship to the word fag. I don't like the word, but my fear of the word only hurt me so many years ago. I used to hear the word all the time as a teenager and young adult. It wasn't being directed at me, though, as I was closeted and have always been cisgendered and rather straight-acting. But I would hear it, and it hurt. Lately I've been trying to accept those words, allowing them to sit with me, and I have found since accepting myself as a gay man that those words no longer bother me. Faggot, queer, homosexual, gay, whatever. They are all me, and though I don't necessarily like all of them, they no longer have the power to strike fear in me. Thanks Barista for the topic. It continues to be helpful to me to explore these issues. Take care. ride:
