Hi everyone, The title basically describes the situation. I've been with my bf for a little over two years now, and today he said he's not happy with our relationship. He said it's not me (although I don't buy it because relationships involve 2 people), and he can't think of anything to do differently, but he wants to try to make it work. I was pretty shocked. He had seemed irritable lately, but I assumed that was from stress from moving and his job, but he said the issue is not that but with our relationship. I told him I need time to think, because I haven't been processing these feelings for over a month like he has. The way I see it, I can keep dating to see if things get better, but I'm worried that now when I hang out with him, I might obsess over whether or not I'm doing things that will make it better, which would lead to an unhealthy mindset and potentially drag out a dying relationship. Or, if we just decided to break up, it'd be like two years gone, and I don't want that :/ but maybe that's where he feels it's headed?? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Hey Skov, You are absolutely right that it takes two people to make a relationship work. And it requires constant work. One of the most important things in any relationship is constant, open, 2-way communication. It doesn't sound like the two of you have really talked this out in any great depth. One thing I can suggest any time a relationship becomes rocky is that the two of you revisit why you became a couple in the first place - what was it that attracted you to each other? Did you do little things to woo each other? Are there elements of your relationship that have become 'routine'? Have you talked about changing things up a little to see if part of the problem is boredom with the relationship? And, of course, if you really want to make this relationship work, but can't seem to get a handle on it between the two of you, you could consider couple's therapy. Just some thoughts.
Hey buddy. I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I agree with all the suggestions above. Also, I think you should consider what do YOU want? Your discussion above is much more "logical" than "emotional". Not something I would expect after that getting that news during a 2 year relationship. Do you have similar feelings or have those thoughts crossed your mind as well? When I have seen situations like this in the past, it typically involves something going on with you, something going on in his life, or the fact that there is someone else. Tell him to be honest. If you are genuinely happy then I think you need to have an open honest discussion with him. I don't think time invested to date is a good enough reason to stay with someone, because all that leads to is more time invested and wasted. Now that being said, 2 years is a significant commitment so clearly there are elements of your relationship that have worked really well up to this point. Therefore it would definitely be worth it to see if there is a solution before jumping to a break-up.
Thanks for the advice guys! I know one thing is that he's recently been transitioning to a sort of new phase of life (done with school, new job, moving), and that's been stressful for him. I think boredom could be a part of it. I've been pretty busy with school lately (and he's been busy with work) so we haven't done too many "date" things recently. Although, I did bring up a few months ago about how I wanted to go on more dates, but it didn't really change. I want to stay with him. But, if he isn't at a point where he is able to attempt to make it work, I'm worried that I'll end up hurting myself (and him) worse in the end. We've had our fights and rough patches, but all last night, all I was thinking was that I didn't want a different guy. We met again tonight and talked for like an hour about things. We both want to try to make it work, but he doesn't know if he's in a place where he can try now. We talked about the idea of breaking up, but that made us both very sad and we clearly don't want that and we don't want to lose each other. So, we decided to take a kind of "break" from each other for a week to give him time to figure out his thoughts. I want to stay together, and I'm hoping a short period apart might give him time to sort out his thoughts about what he wants. He said he doesn't know what's wrong, and I believe that because he's pretty direct about his feelings. I'm not thrilled with the idea, but it seems like the best path forward for now.
Hey Skov, I think your idea of going on more dates again is a very good one, but it seems that something else is going on with your bf that he is can't yet identify. Definitely keep that idea alive, though, once he comes back and if it looks like the relationship is going to continue. Taking a break from each other might be a good thing if he needs to work things out in his own head. At least at this point you both agree that you want to make the relationship work. That's a very positive thing. But you can't let things lie in limbo for too long. That's not fair to either one of you. I would say that if, after your 'separation' period, he still has consciously gotten to the bottom of what's bothering him, but definitely still wants to maintain the relationship, I would definitely recommend that the two of you at least try couple's counseling - have an objective third party work with you could definitely help clarify things. In fact, it couldn't hurt for you to do a little research and see if you can find a good couple's therapist in your area who has experience with same-sex relationships. (Often, local LGBTQ centers can recommend such therapists/counselors.) My 2cents.
