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Need advice. I'm 34 and just came out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Drannok, Apr 1, 2017.

  1. Drannok

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    Help! 34 year old just came out

    Hello everyone,

    I'm 34 years old and have been a closeted gay until recently. Last month I came out to my friends, my sister, and my brother.

    Let me tell you a little about myself before I ask the questions. I was raised by strict Roman Catholic parents. I went to a Catholic school where I just didn't fit in at all (I was ridiculed and bullied by almost every other student for being anti-social and different). During this time i was taught by my parents and my teachers that being gay was basically being an abomination anda sin. And so I kept my thoughts to myself and started hating myself even more.

    One day I couldn't take it anymore and I begged my parents to let me go to a public school but they thought homeschooling me would be somehow better. And so I kept on being very quiet, very depressed, and kept hating on myself.

    This has effected me throughout life. I have always been a self-hating, anxious, anti-social person. I figured there was something wrong with me and so
    I closed myself off to people. It has effected every aspect of my life. Including my jobs (I couldn't hold down a job for very long), school (dropped out), relationships (never had one), and, friendships (didn't have any friends until I turned 27. Hell i didn't even care what I looked like so my personal hygiene was terrible and I was grossly overweight


    Something happened during these past seven years. I've turned my life around a lot. I'm still not where I want to be but I'm getting there. I talk more (still not as much as I would like). I started working on my personal hygiene and cleaned myself up. I still have semi-bad teeth and bacne. I started eating healthy and exercising. I've lost 30lbs so I'm down to 180lbs. I still am working to flatten my gut. I've been able to hold a job for 4 years. I still live at home with my parents due to not having a high enough paying job. I'm working on getting a higher paying one. I know I can do the work but interviews arent going that well since I have really low self-esteem and bad anxiety.

    Question Time

    I need advice on what to do next.

    how do I go about getting gay friends?
    My counselor says I should try to find some but he doesn't really know how. I have a few very understanding and supportive straight friends but no gay friends. I have looked online and all the support groups or organizations are either on college campus' or an hour or two drive away in Portland. Right now I don't have enough money to be able to drive that far.

    How do I go about getting into a relationship?
    My counselor says i should put myself out there but again wont tell me how. I want to be with someone. I want whar other people have. I yearn for it every day. I have looked on dating websites and most people live an hour or two away.

    I'm still a very quiet and reserved guy. I have very low self-esteem. I've been speaking to people more but I can't keep conversations flowing for hours. I'm also not great looking. I am getting back into shape though. And since I haven't been in a relationship before I have never kissed nor had sex. So I'm still a virgin.

    I keep having nagging thoughts. For example. What if I can't talk to him once I meet him? What if I fuck things up like I always do? What if I can't perform due to my anxiety? What if sex isnt as great as i think it will be? How do I even bring up that I am a virgin? Don't people expect me to know what I am doing?

    Should I come out to my parents?
    My sister says I should not because my parents would have a heart attack. My mom is 74 and my dad is 73. My dad had a stroke a few years ago and he can't function very well now. There are also certain family members who would go out of their way to make sure I felt uncomfortable

    I am seeing a counselor but I would like to have more feedback. Im working on bettering myself and have felt much better since i opened up to my friends. Thanks.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Re: Help! 34 year old just came out

    Drannok,

    Welcome to EC and welcome to your journey of self actualization!

    Some things to comment on as you embark on both healing and finding out whom you are:

    As you progress, you need to learn to work through the shame and internalized homophobia that has been brought on by the negative messaging you grew up with. The shame and internalized homophobia has, based on what you wrote, lead to diminished self esteem, confidence and a negative self image. As you work through shame and internalized homophobia, you can rebuild you self image, self esteem and confidence and learn to love yourself.

    So, how do you do this? Well, your already establishing the critical path:

    1. Start to make yourself vulnerable, open yourself up to others, and take risks. Coming out to friends and loved ones is an extremely vulnerable thing to do. And when you do come out, you start to remove the emotional wall built as you were living in the closet. Coming out is just one act of vulnerability, but doing so can have a profound effect on your self image and confidence. How to do it? Well there is no right answer. You need to find the time, place and approach that is most appealing to you. Some do so over a meal, others write a letter, some come out on a phone call and others on social media. You need to think about what method will ensure your message is taken and reflected on by them with care and proper consideration on their part.

    You live in a very progressive city. I would venture to guess there is a large and vibrant LGBT community. Building LGBT friends is an important part of your journey and your lucky to live in a place where that should be relatively doable. At the same time, the way to build friends is also the same way to find a relationship. And your counselor is correct, you need to put yourself out there.

    To put yourself out there, you need to position yourself to meet as many people as possible. It is a numbers game. As a start, get involved in a local LGBT center. My guess is you can google to find one in your area. Call them, tell them your looking to get involved, and they should invite you in to talk about all the programs available. (Coincidentally, I am in the process of moving back Stateside and I am doing just that in the city where I will be moving to so I can begin to build new relationships there.)

    If you play any sports, you may be able to find a local LGBT sports league to get involved with. I got involved in an international LGBT running program called International FrontRunners. There might also be LGBT walking groups or other similar types of active based organizations in your area. Google LGBT sport leagues and see what comes up. Do the same thing for walking clubs or any other hobby you may have.

    Consider volunteering at a local LGBT charity. A few hours a month can give you the ability to meet others. Even getting involved in your local gay pride organizing committee, and then participating in the pride event, is a great way to meet people.

    As you meet people, be sure to network. You will meet people and they may not necessarily click. But they probably also know people as well. So as you meet people, meet their friends.

    Some might suggest using online apps to meet people. And while they can be used to socially meet people, as well as satisfy needs for physical intimacy, I would suggest caution of using them; at least early in in your journey. Most guys using them are only looking for sex. While you can find partners through hookups, and you can also develop friendships, there are a lot of considerstions to be had when using apps and probably best saved for another thread (you can also search for threads on the topic as much has been written). I did you use them as part of my own journey, and found lots of positives as well as challenges (I also did find boyfriends using them).

    Also, the more people you meet socially, the more opportunity there is to meet someone romantically. It's the same methods for meeting friends and a potential boyfriend. So use the same approach in finding a boyfriend as you would for making friends. Meet as many people as possible.

    In your area, there may also be specific social events set up to meet people romantically. Dinner clubs, speed dating events, etc etc. Again, do a search for your local area.

    Going back to shame and Internalized Homophobia, If you have not done so, I would suggest reading the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. It is a great book discussing how shame and Intenalized Homophobia impacts gay men and provides tools to help you resolve yours. First and foremost, as you embark on your journey, come out to people, meet friends, find romance, be sure to continue on focusing your efforts to working through Shame and IC - leading to learning to love yourself.

    Also, you may want to consider posting in the later in life section. There are many members at the same stage in their journey as you are on yours, as well as others that are far down the path that can provide insight and experience.

    Again, welcome to the most important journey of your life - finding yourself!
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Apr 2, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2017
  3. Really

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  4. Drannok

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    Thanks for the replies.

    @Really, I have visited that website but all the links for the organizations for gay men areally dead ends. The websites dont exist. I'm going to try looking for some in Portland but I won't be able to drive up there every week. Probably at most once or twice per month until I find a better job.

    @OnTheHighway: I'll look into centers and charities around here. I'm not really into playing sports. I watch hockey and some football but that is about it. Yeah, my friends keep telling me to go on dating sites but ive looked and everyone, who doesnt have a generic profile with only one picture, lives an hour or so away. Thanks for the book recommendation I will find a copy and start reading it. I'm tired of hating myself. I just want to find happiness.
     
    #4 Drannok, Apr 2, 2017
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  5. Drannok

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    I took the advice and came out to my mom today. She is being very supportive. I talked to her about how she used to talk about the LGBT community. She said that as she grew older she grew more accepting. And that while she doesnt condone it that it would never make her love me any less. She told me that she will help in any way she can. Including helping me afford to drive up to Portland once per week in order to be involved in a community. She doesn't want me to move out because she would have to hire a handyman if I did. She just wants me to be happy and not uptight all the time.

    I purchased a kindle edition of that book and started reading it.
     
  6. Really

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    Wow! Congrats! Nice progress. :slight_smile:
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    Indeed, great way to push forward and take action!
     
  8. ReneHorn

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    You're a hero. That's for sure. Everyone who come out is. And then everything is new. Coming out to parent can be difficult. Don't know if you got a religious background? That can be hard, especially when not-supportive. Take you time. Try to 'guess' in conversations about their point of view, but be careful, otherwise they can guess why 'you're guessing'. Become confident in yourself. Love yourself all the way. Not only love, but embrace who you are and you confidence will grow. It wil be a foundation fort your coming out, but also for your love-life. Try to see the positive side about yourself. Your dress-code, your character, how you look. Start loving all of those facts. This will be your foundation Drannok. Don't think you too old. Your real life just started. Respect yourself!
     
  9. mnguy

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    Welcome to EC, Drannok!! Congratulations on all your coming out, especially to your mom!! You've got guts and should be proud! I'm often critical of myself for taking so long to come out and still working on that, so please try not to do that to yourself. The self esteem/confidence continued to decline the longer I waited until it got so low I never wanted to come out. Sometimes anger will get strong enough and overtake the low esteem and you just say fuck it, I'm doing it even though you don't know what comes after that. Even if it takes a while to meet a compatible guy, at least family and friends will know a gay person that they know isn't the monster the anti-gay folks try to portray us as. Glad you found EC and I wish you the best in your path forward!!
     
    #9 mnguy, Apr 3, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2017
  10. Weston

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    Summer's coming! Take a trip to Rooster Rock and just hang out. Go without any particular expectations and what happens may surprise you.
     
  11. Mysteria

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    Re: Help! 34 year old just came out

    Hi,
    I have absolutely no useful advice to offer. :slight_smile: I could just relate to a lot of your post so I wanted to respond. I'm 36, I'm grossly overweight and wonder if anyone would ever be interested in me, and I've struggled with emotional issues most of my life. My family wasn't conservative- I was the conservative one in the family- but they had substance abuse and mental health issues and I spent a lot of time as a kid not feeling safe.
    I'm about 45 min. south from Salem. I've had some trouble finding non-college activities for LGBT that I felt comfortable with too, seeing as I'm more in the questioning place right now then you are. I wanted to go to a support group but there isn't one, and I don't have a car so going to Portland isn't an option. There is still some good activities down here though, if you wanted to look for it.
    I hope you can find what you're looking for.
     
  12. justaguyinsf

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    Congratulations on taking such decisive action to make changes in your life ... that's the most important thing one can to make life better because your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything else!

    Hopefully I'm not repeating what others have said but I would try looking for gay social groups on meetup.com ... something to get you around other gay guys where you can make some friends. Whatever else follows will follow.