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Subjecting myself to emotional abuser

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jnr183, Mar 31, 2017.

  1. jnr183

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    Hello all, I post here from time to time but haven't much recently. I'm a 34 year old guy who moved to a new city 1.5 years ago and it's only here that I've been living life as a somewhat out gay men. Learning the ropes of gay friends and gay dating and gay life etc. Relatively sexually inexperienced and more naive than I'd probably like to acknowledge.

    I have posted in the past about this guy named "Brian", who I met through another friend "Tom". I met Brian about a year ago and we developed a friendship with secret benefits. It was fun at first and I was eager to make it something more. Brian talked in circles about it. There were never illusions of exclusivity but after a few months I learned that there were other guys in the picture for him so I backed off of things. For the last 6 months or so it's been up and down with him. He's hot then he's cold. Just when I get fed up with him he ingratiates himself to me and the cycle begins again. It's been compounded by the fact that we've developed a pretty good friend group and to have a group of friends that is partially gay and completely exclusive from work has been a good thing for me. The group is unaware of the secret benefits.

    Starting around Christmas he started saying really mean (and unfounded) things to me. He told me we could never date unless I bulked up my upper body (I run marathons for fun and I'm not bad at it. I have no desire to bulk up my arms and I'm in good shape as it is). He told me that I only turn him on sexually if he can dominate me (and smack my face) while we were together. He's criticized a lot of silly things. While furious at first, I've recognized what a broken person he is. His family rejected him. He's basically on his own. He's wildly insecure. He's unhappy with his own body. And his career. And something about that makes me really want to be something good for him. He's admitted it's hard for him to be vulnerable (which is an understatement), but he opens up occasionally and it's beautiful to me. The hot and cold has continued since Christmas, as have the occasional criticisms. I've bitten my tongue about criticizing him. Every time I distance myself he tries to suck me back in. And is usually successful.

    Enough about him. I'm terrified that I haven't had the strength to get out of this situation. I'm a smart guy and I'm successful. I feel good about myself, honestly. But I feel like I have a kinship with this guy and I see that he needs something good in his life. I also think that I have in my mind made him into someone that he isn't.

    So the question isn't what's wrong with him, but what's wrong with me? I've looked around to meet other guys and no one really gets me going like he does. To boot, it's almost impossible for me to "fantasize" without having him drift into my mind.

    Thanks in advance to anyone who reads.
     
  2. Nickw

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    Hi Jnr183

    You mentioned you are new relatively new at gay sex and I'm assuming new at gay relationships. Did you ever have straight relationships before you came out? If you did, how did those work out?

    Some people have a tendency to want to be needed and choose "broken" people to fix. While this is a noble idea, it doesn't really work. Relationships need to be two way or they will ultimately fail.

    Why you continue to go back to him could be because of a lot of things. One thought I had was that you are looking for validation as a gay man. This is a problem for me. I so want to be accepted as a gay lover that I sometimes find myself meeting some guy that I wonder what in the hell I am doing there. I have always felt I had it together and shouldn't be subject to being judged by someone else's standards. But, there I am seeking approval.

    I joke that my gay age is about 16. Since, I didn't develop beyond that. I wonder if it is the same with you?
     
  3. OED27x

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    Be careful with this one. I can tell you at times I have been like this guy is to you in my marriage and at times my husband has been that way to me. It's needy and exhausting and a fast track to a co dependent relationship. Not saying it won't work out, but the red flags mean something.
     
  4. Chip

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    Brian sounds like an insecure ass. The first time he made any remarks that associated my physical appearance to his willingness to date me, I'd be gone.

    You deserve better.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Hey.

    CHip. Unless I missed something, the OP knows this guy is an ass. My understanding of the question is that it has more to do with why he puts up with it when he knows better.

    I'm not sure this is all that uncommon and maybe deserves some reflection.
     
    #5 Nickw, Mar 31, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2017
  6. UrsulaJay

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    Hey jnr183,
    Speaking from my own experience when the relationship is toxic and negative it's time to cut the other person off.

    I don't think there is anything wrong with you, but I hope you can find more support to help get out that relationship from Brian. Saying "Let's not do this kind of relationship anymore," is really hard to do at first. But with time I hope you realize you will happier and better off without him. It doesn't sound like he is contributing much of anything positive to your life. You definitely deserve better.

    The question might be what will it take for you to stop being with him? What is it you really want? I think when you are clear about what you need for your own well being, then your dealings with "Brian" with be cut and dry. No one can fault you for wanting to take better care of yourself.
     
  7. Chip

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    This.


    What you have to look at here is... what is the message inside your own head that for some reason isn't clearly telling you to kick this jerk to the side.

    For most people, it's a mindset of scarcity; that we don't deserve better, and that perhaps this is the best we can do.

    So really, what it comes down to is what you want for yourself. If you believe you deserve better (and you do), then you know what to do. If you don't believe that you deserve better, then perhaps there's an opportunity to spend some time really looking at yourself and your behaviors and what's going on that's making you continually subject yourself to this. You definitely deserve better, and it's up to you to take the steps to make that happen.
     
  8. jnr183

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    Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I've felt before that I should cut him off but it's been harder to do since we socialize with the same crowd. I don't know if I need to deal with him through avoidance or whether I should address the issue with him. Sometimes addressing it seems like it will only fuel the fire.

    ---------- Post added 1st Apr 2017 at 09:26 AM ----------

    And to answer your question NickW I have had a few straight relationships which were always somewhat dysfunctional because the female was never who I truly wanted. I spent a lot of times in those relationships convincing myself that I was happy. So yes, in a way I feel like I started over when I started dating men and as such am admittedly clueless to normal relationship dynamics at times.
     
  9. Nickw

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    What I try to do is treat others the way I would like to be treated. So, think about how you would like him to break it off with you. Avoidance usually leaves too many questions answered and leaves the door open for starting it up again at another time...probably not a good thing from what you've written.

    I would have a friendly break up..."hey, this has been great and I have grown a lot but I think we both need to move on". Since you are not exclusive, you owe him nothing more than this. Splitting on good terms will make social interactions later better. My sense is that if you keep this relationship going the breakup will be worse!
     
  10. Chip

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    I agree with Nickw.

    The only caveat I would add is... with someone as inconsiderate as Brian, he may also have no boundaries. He may derive some or all of his self-worth from putting down others and may not be so willing to just go quietly into the night. So, given the mutual circle of friends, I'd try the kind and thoughtful approach first, and I'd also be prepared that it may need to be a situation where you have to simply avoid or ignore him if he doesn't honor the boundary you've set.

    One other question that comes up in my mind: If your circle of friends is relatively healthy, why is this guy even in the circle? It seems unlikely his abusive behavior would be isolated to you. If that's the case, you might find that as you set boundaries, your friends will also. And that could be good for everyone.
     
  11. jnr183

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    Thanks to you both. I think you're right. My frustration with the situation makes me want to tell him off and give him a piece of my mind, but I don't see it being productive. I need to bite my tongue and work on sticking to my guns.

    As far as his behavior toward others, I don't know that he acts that way to them. He's closest with me and I get the sense that he is more critical of those he's closer to. I don't think that he's necessarily a bad guy, but he has some severe emotional hangups and insecurities that he hasn't been dealing with appropriately for years.