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I'm angry at my friend for how she came out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sammys, Mar 29, 2017.

  1. sammys

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So I have a friend who used to be my housemate but now we live in different cities so we don't get to see each other very often any more. I recently visited her and another friend and they were casually talking about her girlfriend. Now this was news to me, as I had no idea that she was dating the girl they were talking about.

    I didn't address it at the time, but since then I've been feeling really quite angry and hurt at how she's so casually come out and not even discussed it with me. In the past she's said some pretty homophobic things and talked about how other friends coming out to her made her feel really awkward (I actually mentioned her in one of my previous posts on here from 2015!) which in turn made me dread coming out to her.

    For YEARS I had to tip toe around talking about anything to do with my love life with her, hid the fact that I was dating girls from her because I was so worried that she'd react badly.

    And now she's casually come out, without once talking to me or apologising for the way she acted in the past. I just feel really hurt that she can just come out like this, whilst I still haven't told my family and some of my friends in part due to a fear that stemmed from the way she used to act.

    Am I reasonable in feeling like this? I don't really see her often any more so I don't know when I'll even next have a chance to see her, or even if she'll bring up the subject if I do see her. Should I text her or something? I don't know what to do or how to feel :icon_sad:
     
  2. robclem21

    Full Member

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    I can understand why you are upset and definitely think you have the right to feel the way you do. It sucks when friends or family say things that make coming out more difficult and make us feel as though we won't be accepted. I am sorry that you had to deal with that in the past and I hope some things have been able to improve.

    With her situation and knowing what you know now, I would encourage you to think a little deeper about how she was feeling when she was saying some of the things she said to you years ago. It is very likely that she was dealing with her own sexuality, repressing her own desires, and struggling maybe even more than you were at the time. I think acknowledging that is important to mend your friendship with her, but also to understand maybe why she handled those situations that way (and maybe didn't mean it as it was intended). Does she know now that you are lesbian and if so, has she handled that information in a better way now?

    I think, considering that she was more concerned years ago with her own sexuality and may not have even noticed how she was making you feel, that it is unlikely she will initiate an apology. If this is something that is deeply bothering you, I would suggest that you be the one to initiate the conversation. I don't think it is reasonable to be mad at how someone else comes out, but you should expect her to understand how she made you feel. I am sure that once you bring up the topic, she will feel bad and apologize for how she acted in the past.

    Holding these feelings against her won't do much good and won't get you anywhere. Everyone has their own path to coming out and it is important we are understanding of that before blaming her for her actions. I still think you should talk with her though if it is bugging you that much.

    Hope that helps. Good luck
     
    #2 robclem21, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  3. CharacterStudy

    Regular Member

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    I think I agree with robclem. I was once treated to some homophobic behaviour ('outing' me to everyone, which led to a lot of piss-take) by someone who later turned out to be, guess what, gay. Maybe I can be more magnanimous because it didn't affect me too badly, but certainly it wasn't a surprise when she came out as an adult, and she's not apologised - nor do I expect her to. I understand she was probably struggling a LOT as a teenager, and had few friends to support her.