Hey guys, So I am in a relationship with an asexual for a while and everything is fine. It's just thatwe are both very inexperienced with relationships and while hand holding and cuddling is fine, I would like to maybe try kissing and stuff like that. But I am not sure how to bring it up in a conversation or without sounding like diesrespecting his sexuality. Plus, I don't know how to express that I am interesting in a sexual relationship but do need it. I am also very easy to get anxiety or panic attacks when trying to bring up important topics. Do you have any advises for me? Thanks in advance, Catnerys
It's worth asking what he's comfortable with before making any moves of your own. Asexual people may draw the line at kissing, and most if not all of them would reject any sexual acts. You don't need to ask him in a particularly serious manner; all you'd need to do is enquire about his preferences as if you wanted to learn more about asexuality in general. It's likely he would not be comfortable with what you're asking for, in which case you'd either need to find a way to deal with your desires or find somebody else for you. Just as it would be unfair for him to be forced into doing things against his will, it would be unfair for you to totally repress yourself as long as you're with him. Hope this helps.
Hello, I'm no expert in these things but all asexual people are different. I have read that some may be disgusted by sex and some may just get no pleasure at all from it. Definitely ask what he'd be okay with. He might be alright with it and do it only because you want to, and just won't get pleasure from it. He might not want anything to do with it--this is probably the most likely case. Always ask though! In my experience most asexuals are okay with kissing and cuddling and stuff. Some have had a bad experience with kissing, though, and aren't okay with it. Some have no interest at all in kissing or cuddling. Hope this helps! I'm in no way experienced in this topic but I am very near asexual so I thought I'd chip in with my knowledge of reading about asexuality. Bee
For the sake of clarity, "asexual" as the term is widely accepted and used, is a hardwired, unchangeable condition. People who fit in this category, which is a very tiny percentage of the population, simply have no interest in sex. They aren't repulsed or disgusted by it; they just have no interest. There's another definition promoted by a tiny group of people, but this definition isn't grounded to anything, isn't supported by research or by the vast majority of professionals, and is difficult to pin down because it is ever-changing as a result of being a crowdsourced definition with no basis in anything measurable. The people who are repulsed, disgusted, or have an aversion are in a different category from the hardwired asexual. Those are not hardwired conditions (as much as people might protest otherwise), and are generally a result of trauma, early childhood experiences, or other difficulties. These individuals could resolve their issues, if they choose to, by getting help from a good therapist. So it's important to know what you're dealing with. Asking the first group to engage in sex is, at best, going to get someone to go along with something they have no interest in. Asking the second group could potentially traumatize them further. The important thing here is to have a real, open, authentic conversation. If you have a need for sex, and are in a relationship with someone who identifies as asexual, whether they're asexual according to the hardwired condition or because they've got trauma, that's going to be messy and potentially unfair to the other person. So having a conversation with them, and in particular, respecting wherever their boundaries are, is going to be crucial.
