Hi, so recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm trans. Growing up I was very quiet and always hung out with the guys, never related much to other girls. In middle school I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere and used video games/art as an escape. In high school I was still unsure of myself but I tried out being very girly for a few years. That didn't feel right either. In my senior year I cut my hair and dressed as masculine as possible. Now THAT felt great. College was different because it was one step closer to the real world. Looking back, I was really not ready for it, neither socially nor academically. Now, I'm in my second year and after failing to make decent connections with anybody I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm the problem. I've realized that I always had issues with self image and understanding my needs. The influx of dark thoughts and panic attacks I've had recently made me see that this is not right... I'm not happy at all. I don't know what to do though. I'm so used to hiding and avoiding this side of myself. I want to come out on Facebook or something but at the same time I don't. I want to talk to some people who know me back home but I'm really scared of what they will say. Terrified. Like. In person, all I know how to do is hide. I've always "lived" online. Being present in this world is really foreign to me and I don't know where to start. TL;DR - I'm trans and terrified, don't know how to be honest with people in my life
If I were you, I'd hold back on coming out until I was a bit more sure about myself. You seem to be pretty stressed right now, so it may be worth knowing that it's ok to take it slow. Give yourself time to clear up your mind, that will help you to think more clearly. Are you comfortable with the possibility of being transgender, or are you still questioning exactly where you stand? If you're sure about who you are, are you ready to act upon it just yet? These are things you should definitely think about before considering coming out. In the meantime, take it easy as best as you can. You'll figure yourself out given time.
Yeah my mind's a bit clearer now.. I kinda wrote this in a rush. I mean I think I'm okay with the possibility of being trans. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I'm definitely not cis. I do experience dysphoria with my chest and I do wear a binder... You're right though I think I need to do some more exploring before I make any decisions. Thanks for responding.
Knowing that you're not cis is a start. You might want to try experimenting with different labels (privately for the time being) until you find one that fits you. For a brief time I used to identify as non-binary, but after experimenting I found that FTM was right for me. Also, remember that gender isn't black and white. There are grey areas. If you're somewhere in-between non-binary and male, there are labels available such as demiboy and non-binary male. Might be worth keeping that in mind during your exploring.
MarkerBoysBro...Hello! I'm not Trans...I'm gay. I spent 41 years as a jr. high and high school teacher...yeah, they had no clue that I was gay! :icon_bigg (woulda lost my job...ha!) Anyway, I'm writing to you because we do have something in common....I was too terrified when "The Dam Broke" and I had reached the breaking point, to come out to anyone face-to-face, so I came out here, on emptyclosets. It was almost four months after that before I was able to tell a real, live person..."I am Gay". Even then it took almost an hour of tears, sobs and near hysteria before I could say those three little words. The relief was beyond belief. Soooo, I think you do have something to look forward to...that first person that you can tell, face-to-face....afterwards it will be incredible! The guy that I told was already a pretty close friend (or I could never have told him). Now we call each other and talk on the aniversary of the date (March 17th) that I told him....every year. The point is....you don't have to tell anyone up front until you are ready....you've already told someone...US! Spending time here on EC made a world of difference for me. Even though it was really difficult for me to tell the first "live" person...spending time on EC made it possible. I gained a lot of confidence talking to folks here and writing to others...like I'm writing to you! It also helped ME understand myself better. In short...WE.ARE.HERE.FOR.YOU. I'm not all that great at addressing Trans topics, but there are many here who are. You might consider making a post on the Gender Identity and Expression forum. There are more Trans folks online there. Soooo, hang in there, let us here on EC be your help and your sounding-board for questions and help...there are many here who will help!!.....David
Hey thanks so much for sharing your story David. I have a feeling it'll be the same for me. Definitely gonna spend more time on EC to figure stuff out and find comfort in who I am... Also will check out the Gender Identity forum.
