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It all feels pointless

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CameOutSwinging, Mar 27, 2017.

  1. CameOutSwinging

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    I'm just feeling in this place where nothing seems to matter. Where I have little desire to do anything and it is effecting various avenues of my life. I don't find much joy in anything. Frankly I feel like I'm just passing time. It is all so pointless.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    COS, I honestly was just wondering what you have been up to not having seen a post for some time. Rather than try and disseminate what you just expressed, how about providing an update on whats been actually going on?
     
  3. Worker Bee

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    That's sounds very familiar. Are you seeing anyone about depression?
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hey COS

    Sorry you are feeling this way. Share a little bit more about what is going on with you.
     
  5. I'm gay

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    Hey COS,

    You know we're all here for you. Sometimes it helps to just express feelings even if we're not looking for any particular advice. If that's the case here, then I hope that expressing it helped you to at least get it off your chest.

    If you want any actual advice, like OTH said, it would help to know more about what's been happening in your life and maybe why you think you're in this rut. If you feel like sharing, please post again.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  6. Lexington

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    I'd second the suggestion that you might be grappling with depression. Feelings of despair and "what's the use?" are pretty common with that.

    Lex
     
  7. CameOutSwinging

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    Thank you guys for all of the concern and responses.

    The short of it is I just really miss being with my ex. I love her. I can't move past that. She's my best friend. She makes me feel happy. I know I'm probably co-dependent on her and that's bad. But when I'm not with her, I just feel sad. And lonely. And wish I were with her and our dogs.

    I wish we could get a do-over on life. Like hit reset on a Nintendo game (I just showed my age, haha) and start from scratch. So much I'd do differently. So much.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Let's examine co-dependency then, what is your understanding of this term?
     
  9. CameOutSwinging

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    I allow other people's actions and words dictate my overall happiness. I don't control it myself. I give that power to other people. All the time.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    So, it is important to you to be liked?
     
  11. CameOutSwinging

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    Yes. Very much so. Especially by people I like. To be honest, I don't always get why people like me and want to be my friend. And I tend to be well liked. I find it confusing. But the people I love, the people I want to be with, I'm afraid of them not wanting to be with me. Of me not being enough. So I go extra for them. Above and beyond. Without taking what makes sense for myself long term into account.
     
  12. greatwhale

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    This is the very definition of co-dependence...forsaking your own happiness for the other, and enabling the other to behave badly. It is a devil's bargain, a sacrifice for peace, for not being alone, for the reward of being accepted for what you are not.

    You harbor hopes that if you once again "behave" acceptably, that things will go back to what they were. But that is not where you are, and you are miserable while clinging to that belief.

    Here is a thought-experiment: imagine walking into a room full of strangers, do you immediately wonder if they like you? Or, do you immediately wonder who you like?

    Which of these two possibilities seems healthier to you?
     
  13. CameOutSwinging

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    I don't know which is healthier, but I know I'd be more worried about if they like me than if I like them.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    Wondering if you like the people you meet is from a standpoint of strength, from a position of self-esteem, of quiet confidence in your own worth as a human being.

    It is impossible to please everyone. Let me repeat this: it is impossible to please everyone, including the people you like or love.

    So yes, I affirm here that it is healthier to wonder who among all those strangers you like, because ultimately, whoever you interact with in life had better be worthy of your standards, and he or she had better keep to within the boundaries for behaviour that you decide to set.

    If you take this stance, this "posture" as some have called it, you will make enemies, that is unavoidable, but more often than not, you will earn respect. If you set boundaries, it's not because you're deliberately setting out to be an asshole, you are setting these boundaries because you care.

    This is one of the fundamental flaws of "nice" guys who try to please everyone, they want to get by without friction, because that is more important to them than standing up for something they might care about. This applies to relationships just as much as what your boss does, or what a politician does.

    If you call out bad behaviour from the people you interact with, you are defending your boundaries and your values because you care. There are very few things in life that we have control over, but choosing our own values and defending them is something you most definitely have control over.

    Before engaging in any other relationships, take some time to consider what it is you find important, what it is you find valuable and worth protecting. Then find others who share your values. In this way, you will find allies instead of parasites, true friends instead of hangers-on. You will find people you can love and respect, because they will love you and respect you for what you stand for and for what you are.
     
    #14 greatwhale, Mar 28, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2017
  15. CameOutSwinging

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    That is really great advise. Thank you.

    It made me think of something that happened recently. I was doing a group therapy thing and one of the guys in the group expressed how he has no friends. I felt really bad for him, because I know what its like from when I was younger. I had zero real friends in high school and for part of college. I have lots of friends now, people I genuinely care about and enjoy being around and they feel the same way (even if it surprises me that they do sometimes...like, I think other people choose their friends the way you say, and they CHOOSE me, and its just because I'm myself because I do nothing extra for them, so it surprises me that they choose me) but I still relate to being friendless.

    Anyway, I tried to be his friend. I felt like I had to. Like it was my responsibility. There was someone else in the group who felt the same way, we related in that way and talked about it a lot. The thing is, the guy who needed friends just wasn't fun to be around. Like, all he did was complain. And when you offered ideas or advice to help, he shot it all down and complained some more. And he talked about politics ALL. THE. TIME. I'm not a particularly political person, but I do work in a job that causes me to know a lot about what is going on politically, and he knew this. So he would try to get me into these conversations even when we were out at drinks with the other group guys and I was trying to converse with them about fun things (like boys and experiences and such). It completely turned me off to him.

    My therapist challenged me on this. He knew I felt like I had to be his friend. But did I want to be his friend? The answer was no. And it finally got through to me that the right thing for me to do, for myself and my own good, was to not pursue this friendship. I didn't like him, I didn't need more friends, and I wasn't responsible for him having friends.

    I did that for me. And I'm glad I did. It felt healthy for me.

    I think with therapy and such, I'm learning to do these things going forward, but I'm not sure that I know how to do them for the people that are already in my life in those bigger roles (like my ex). I fear if I entered a new relationship I would give the new person that same power, but we aren't even remotely near that.
     
  16. greatwhale

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    I really know where you're coming from, having been a people-pleaser until very recently. I hate conflict, I hate rocking the boat, but, I realize now that there are things that need to be said and there is no honorable way to escape that responsibility. I am responsible for my boundaries, it is up to me and no one else to stand for what I believe.

    The ancient rabbi, Hillel the Elder, had three important sayings (from Ethics of the Fathers) with respect to this:

    In other words, if you are not "for" yourself, by maintaining your self-respect and maintaining your boundaries, who will be?

    It is an unmistakable truth that we are most ourselves within the context of a community, we are most ourselves in the presence of others. You are chosen for who you are, not for what you do for them.

    This rather enigmatic admonition deserves a better explanation than I can give:

    So my friend, if not now, when will you start thinking about what it is you most want out of life? When will you truly figure out what you most value? When will you start reaching out to someone you could find yourself loving? When will you let go of the past and start living the life that is most in harmony with who you wish, most deeply wish, to be?
     
  17. Justshort

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    cos Sorry to read that you are not feeling great, I hope you are able to find a way through. I do understand it maybe difficult to get by but please know that there are people who will support you. have you tried counselling ? It does not suit everyone but maybe worth a shot. Good luck and I hope you feel a little more positive soon. x
     
  18. greatwhale

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    Another important aspect of the "nice guy" stance is that it is often an ego trip.

    To explain: our ego is what we think we are, it is a construct, a built-up self-image that is often self-serving. The nice guy thinks of himself as "nice", hence, he will act in accordance with being nice and pleasant.

    But when the ego rules, the brain is at its beck and call. In order to live up to that image of the nice guy, he will do things that are sometimes to his detriment, or to the detriment of his loved ones and friends, to avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with acting in a not-so-nice way, such as avoiding certain people, or ending a relationship...

    Of course, there is a reward for being nice and pleasant, one avoids conflict, one avoids making enemies...but one also avoids taking a stand that could mark one as someone with something to say. Staying nice often means staying in the shadows, as someone not to be taken too seriously...which is a safe place to be...but then:

     
    #18 greatwhale, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  19. CameOutSwinging

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    Thank you again for all of the great advice. The back and forth really did help me a lot. I guess I have to start doing some soul searching and figure out what I want most. Who I want to be. I think I spend most of my time worrying about instant gratification and not thinking about the long term. And that is a problem.

    ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2017 at 06:30 AM ----------

    Thank you. I am seeing a therapist every week. He's actually fantastic and has been helping me realizing a lot of things about myself. I think I'm still just in baby steps mode and not giant leaps yet.

    As he said, seeing him isn't about figuring out my sexuality, it's about figuring out what makes me happy and being able to not care about anybody else's opinion of me or what I do.

    ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2017 at 06:32 AM ----------

    It's true. I sometimes really struggle with saying no to things. Especially if to me there's no good reason to say no. I feel like I'd be saying no just to prove a point or something, as oppose to because there's a valid reason to say no.
     
  20. brians34

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    Oh how I know how you feel. My wife and I split after 17 years and I finally came out of the closet. We're still close and there's no hard feelings, but I miss her just about every day and worry about her all the time.

    After reading your original post, I was thinking if he only lived closer to me, we could be best friends probably.

    We did everything together. Before her, I was a homebody and never had a problem with that, but after being married and always having someone there, I hate being alone anymore.

    I'm very introverted, don't have any friends to hang out with. I'm with someone now, but he's really pretty "selfish" for lack of a better term. He does things like drives 2 hours away for periods of time to visit friends where he used to live without talking to me. He just ups and leaves. If I want to talk about something that's bothering me, he will leave and go to his mom's place and stay a couple days before I'll hear from him. It's really not a healthy relationship, but I hate the prospect of being alone and where I live, there's no place that I know of to meet someone else and the apps do not work for me.
     
    #20 brians34, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017