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Finding Myself and Becoming a Narcissist.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Godless, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. Godless

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    I am on a long journey over the past month it seems. My life has been shattered and put back together in a new way. I have been to counseling four times. I have started going out with friends. I almost finally went to a gay bar, but found myself turning back. My reasoning might not make sense, but it seems that all the gay bars around here do not open until late and I wake up at 5:30 a.m. seven days a week. Through this process, I have noticed that my friends and family are no longer eager to be there all the time. I angered my friend today with a question I asked him. He later texted me and said it was water under the bridge, but I have noticed I can't stop making everything about me. I struggle to listen to anyone. I keep trying to just make myself feel understood. I feel like I am pushing everyone a way, even though they all insist I am not. Maybe I am trying to make up for lost time. I really want to find a casual boyfriend or like seven. I have only ever been with my wife, but everything inside of me wants to move forward. At this point, there should be nothing holding me back. I am moving in a month back to a long of progress that is So Cal. Is there a healthy way to put myself out there? Is there a best place to start? Am I rushing this too much?
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    I had trouble parsing your post. Is this a fair synopsis? You are moving to Southern CA in a month, and you want to make the most of SC over the next month?
     
  3. Godless

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    Yep. Maybe I am just rambling. I guess I have never really been in the game.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Moving form SC to SoCal seems like an amazing move for someone who is looking to explore his gay side. Given that you are moving in a month, finding a BF in that period is probably not realistic and even if you did it would not be fair to him to put that kind of clock on the relationship. Now if you want to hookup and have lots of gay sex, that's a much different matter. There are a number of hookup sites/apps available to help you in this endeavor (!). Make sure that you are clear as to what you want and of course practice safe sex.

    HTH and if not - please clarify what you are looking for.
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Mar 26, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2017
  5. Godless

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    Was not really serious about the boyfriend. More like a month long hookup is what I meant, but I guess that answers my question. Thanks. Just download some hook up apps and get to it, is what you're saying?
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    The question is what do you want? Sounds like ideally you are looking to hookup with 1 guy for 1 month?
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    There is nothing wrong with spending some time focusing on yourself. I imagine you have spent a lot of time focusing on others previously. As you do, try and be sympathetic and empathetic to others and be as polite as possible, recognizing me time is ok.

    Next, I would also venture to guess you may still be working through a lot of anger, and this may come across to others a being selfish. You need to release the anger as a necessary part of your journey. Working through shame helps work through anger.

    There is also a theory about the various stages of grief, and you very well may be on the stage of anger, that concept is a bit above my pay grade so someone else with more education on the topic is better suited to discuss it.
     
  8. Nickw

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    Hey Godless

    As the others mentioned. It seems like you have a number of things going on. Grief of a broken up marriage, discovering you sexuality, starting to live as a gay man and well...wanting to explore long repressed sexual urges. This IS probably a good time to be a bit of a narcissist I would think!

    As far as a month long fling? I am not an expert on hookups by any means. But, this seems very possible based on my limited experience. I sort of did that with a guy I met on line. We are now great friends and no longer intimate. So, it can be whatever you want it to be. Just be honest with yourself and the other guy about expectations. And be super safe and take your time...don't get pushed into anything you are not ready for. Any guy worth being intimate with will understand.
     
  9. Godless

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    Thanks everyone. I did not realize how easy it is to meet local people on these things. I feel like using hook up apps is cheating at the game of life. The interweb does 3/4 of the work. I think all of these matches were a confidence booster.
    Maybe this is a good time to be a narcissist. I want to get back to being myself. Maybe I am angry. I think I am more into the bargaining and depression stage. I really want to just put myself out there and see what happens. I am a little nervous and excited. It seems like there is nothing to lose. I am really paranoid about STDs, but oh well.
     
  10. Nickw

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    Learn about safer sex practices. The other thing that I do (or don't do) is to have any sort of intimacy on the first "date". I broke this rule once and it turned out O.K. He's the guy I became good friends with. We sort of connected right away. But, be aware that some of these guys will tell you what you want to hear. And, from my experience, it can be an ego booster and provides some validation that you are attractive to other men. Be careful of falling too much into this trap.

    Seeking acceptance, and not being able to resist the temptation, is something I think a lot of us do when we start exploring the world of casual gay sex. Fortunately, I lucked out and my friend has been a mentor.

    It helped for me to set limits on what I would (or could) do before meeting someone. TMI, but I will just say that I am not going to do oral or anal (sorry to be graphic) until I get to know someone. That alone, I think, weeds out some of the more questionable guys.

    Above all, go at your own pace and have fun. It it isn't fun, or fulfilling, don't do it just because you think you should.
     
  11. Godless

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    I maybe screwed this up. So he asked if we could get dinner or hang out and I said yes. Then we agreed to meet up today. Then I asked him this morning if we were still on and he said yes. Then he asked me for the address to my house.

    ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2017 at 03:49 PM ----------

    I guess what I am asking, is there a smooth way to talk about expectations before giving up that information. We talked a little and I do like this guy, but I am not sure going straight to the home is a good idea. Even though, everything inside me wants to just have him over and see what happens.
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    How did you meet this guy? This largely governs the implicit expectations.

    It sounds like a typical interaction. Maybe next time suggest that you meet in public before going back to your place if you are unsure of your comfort level with a guy. In this case you could have suggested that you meet somewhere for dinner first. You need to speak up and be pretty assertive in these types of situations.

    Given that you gave him your address, I'm guessing he's coming over to hang out and see where things go? This is common in the gay world. I met a previous BF via hookup when we felt a lot of chemistry. Really depends on your comfort level and gut. If you feel good, run with it (!) If there's chemistry there's probably a second meeting (!!)
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  13. Godless

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    I haven't given him the address yet. The expectation was we meet up or hang out. We talked for a short amount of time on an app. I just was looking for a smooth way to talk about expectations without killing the moment if that is possible.

    ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2017 at 04:13 PM ----------

    Also, question about health. Can you use regular condoms for oral sex?
     
  14. Nickw

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    I think a good way to look at this would be to put yourself in the other guys shoes. If some guy you hadn't met yet told you to come on over to his house, what sort of a signal would this give off? Most likely that he is willing to be intimate...right?

    Call or message the guy back and tell him you'd rather meet at a bar or some other public venue. Seriously, if this guy bolts because of this, is he someone you want to see anyway?

    Again, going through this myself right now, I am surprised at how much I want to be desired and validated. Be careful and use common sense. There will be plenty of other opportunities.

    Remember that your sexuality is yours. How you express it belongs to you. Don't be defined by the hookup culture. Take your time and do things at your pace and at your comfort level. You will find it.

    Just saw your recent post...

    Nothing wrong with defining expectations. I met a guy in a bar and we didn't talk about expectations but did talk about getting together. Later I sent him a "dirty" email and suggested what we would do (what I was comfortable with) I made it about the things we would do not what we wouldn't do. He loved it. We got together and had a great time...within my limits.

    Grape flavored condoms..
     
    #14 Nickw, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  15. Godless

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    I haven't responded yet. I just wanted to be smart about it. You're absolutely right. I do just want to hook up though. It made sense to get a drink in public first to see how things play out. Also, can you use regular condoms for oral sex?
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    If you met him via an app, then he's probably expecting that you'll hook up. What are your expectations regarding the evening? Some things to think about include -

    • Does he/you like to kiss?
    • Does he/you like to cuddle?
    • Does he/you like to give or receive oral?
    • What about anal? Top or bottom or versatile?
    A lot of this should be on his profile. If he's misrepresented himself in his profile (such as age or old picture) or if you don't feel chemistry, it's totally OK to tell him this isn't working for you and ask him to leave.

    Most experts I've spoken with say that the risk from oral is pretty low. The risk of HIV transmission via oral is effectively zero. You could ask him not to ejaculate in your mouth if that freaks you out.
     
    #16 SiennaFire, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  17. Nickw

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    You can use regular condoms for oral sex. They taste awful to some people. That's why I suggested the grape flavored kind. Whatever you do, don't use lubricated kind for oral...

    You don't even have to have oral sex the first time if you don't want and still have a good time just being with a man.

    You seem like you are in a big hurry...slow down and make this right for you!
     
  18. Godless

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    It wasn't that kind of app I guess. Ok thanks. I mean I do want to hook up. I just want to talk about things for a short while and see if it works out. We should still meet in Public? I am only looking for something casual, anyways. You're right.
     
    #18 Godless, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  19. SiennaFire

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    It sounds like you should meet in public for dinner or a drink and get to know this guy first.

    What kind of app was it?

    How much experience do you have with guys?
     
    #19 SiennaFire, Mar 29, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2017
  20. Godless

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    I have zero experience with guys. One of the most standard meet up apps ever made. Probably the generic one not exclusively for gay people. I have only ever been with my wife.