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Wanting to run away again....

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. Spot

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    Last year, I tried to run away from home and was massively unsuccessful. Basically, I didn't bring enough stuff with me and I didn't know my directions properly (I was trying to walk to the youth homeless shelter) :bang: Anyway, I'm getting the feeling that I should run away again. It just feels like everything has gone to shit and I just need to start over. I don't even know where I would start. I don't have any of my friends left. I don't know what their problem is, it's just changed and they don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm fairly sure I've failed every exam I've taken this year, even when I try to study, I try to learn...I just can't. I know I have a learning disability but even other kids with my disorder aren't stupid like me :dry: I feel like everyone's just given up on trying to help me. My grandmother, my therapist, the guidance counselor, I know they don't really get what being trans means which is where like 99% of my problems stem from. But they say I'm making excuses to not do anything and now I wonder if they're right, if I don't actually have depression or gender dysphoria. I hope they're not right though. I'm still going to say I'm a guy, even if I don't get diagnosed, I don't care.

    Then everyone in my immediate family has turned against me, even my little brother. I swear I get yelled at everyday. And my mother gets along with with my brother so well and we just fight all the time. I really can't stand it anymore. I've been putting on weight even though I've tried to keep exercising, it's not working. I want to gain more muscle to pass better but I'm just gaining more fat :confused: I'm passing worse and adding dysmorphia on top of dysphoria. I know running away wouldn't solve that but I'm just hoping it'll do something, maybe take my mind off it. There's also my crush, who is in fact homophobic and transphobic. I still do love her though which sucks, I wish I'd just get over it. And yeah, she is a "her." You're probably thinking how I can be gay and have a female crush. Well, I was supposed to be gay but I guess I just don't know myself anymore. So, I've lost a part of my identity on top of everything...sometimes even though I guess I'm an atheist, I'd take some comfort in the church and the testimonies people gave. Because I really did want to believe that someone was looking out for me and loved me but...I've just found that the people at church are really corrupt and I can't trust them anymore.

    On top of all this, I have a week at school starting tomorrow which I just cannot do. I really can't care right now. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to make a plan, so I don't have to go or maybe I'll only have to go part of the time. Maybe that is cowardly and avoiding the issue but I feel like I have enough issues already. Usually, when I get all impulsive like this, I tend to attempt it like last time (even though that was a lousy attempt). I feel like it isn't a good idea but I don't know what to do. My whole life has just fallen apart and I can't even recognize it anymore, there's nothing good left.
    I used to have
    1. Friends
    2. Some family
    3. A crush
    4. Therapy
    5. School sometimes
    6. The church (very occasionally)
    To keep me positive and now I have none of those. I don't even enjoy what I used to do. I used to like writing, reading, playing the guitar and listening to music but now all of those things just feel like chores. It's weird but since my unfinished books and guitar are in my room, it feels like more of a reason to leave. I don't know how to fix this life anymore, usually I can bounce back but not this time it seems. It feel like I just need to start a new one somehow :help::help:
     
  2. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    Running away will surely do something. With all that problems you will most likely become addicted to something. Then in 3 years, you'll be dead.

    So a better solution is to think what you want and how to achieve it. In case you don't want to be a figure of homeless youth, you'll have to stay. Two years seem long, but they will be over sooner than you think. One day at once.

    Workout is a very good thing to keep you motivated. What kind of exercises do you do? Do you actually gain fat or do you just think you do?

    Probably get yourself a role model. Some strong dude, you know Dean Winchester? Then fake it till you make it.
     
  3. Spot

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    I don't know if I actually gain fat, it looks like I have. I don't want to actually check though because I'm afraid of being right.

    And I did get a way to stay home but I kind of wish I'd gone to school now. I was having pain in my right side and I think I may have exaggerated a bit, I was supposed to go to school this morning but I don't know now. My mom is really pissed off and said I wasn't going to school because they'd think she was a terrible parent. I tried to put my uniform on and she got mad at me so I guess I can't go. I said I'd do whatever she wanted and she said I wasn't going. I don't think she believes me since I got the pain Sunday night, which isn't true, I got it Thursday and it came back Sunday. But it's okay because even if she spends the whole day yelling at me, I have this thing where I just don't think about what's happening or anything and I just stare at one thing in the room until it stops. It doesn't matter anyway, I don't know why I said all that.
     
  4. DreamonRose

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    I had the same plan as you. I looked up a shelter and directions but I just couldn't go. I actually did run once after school with no food or extra clothes and no directions. I know alot of things are going right, right now but soo many things will go right when this passes. I am 14 and already learning that. So please stick around and wait for the best.
     
  5. anthracite

    anthracite Guest

    Maybe what you need is a quiet place to do your thing. Is there a library near your location?

    About that fat thing: You currently think you gained it. There is a chance that you will be proved wrong. If it's right you didn't get anything, but it's no worse than before. Fat isn't forever. You're a dedicated athlethe after all.

    What your mother does appears very much like a power play to me. It's all about to get you to jump. Focus on where you wanna be and do so. Do what you want. Don't try to shock her, as a teen you're very much prone to put yourself into harms way as a rebellion, believe me. Do as it benefits you. And if she yells, blank face. Complete disregard. Pretend some 4 year old wanted to tell you stories of life. Focus on Your life, your dream job, your dream house, your dream car. Then you win.
     
  6. Non binary kid

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    Just ignore your mom. Just remember; someday you will go far. :slight_smile:
     
  7. DarkWhite

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    Hey I had life which pretty sucked too. But I managed to get over it and keep living with few tricks. It is not something people should do, but since its looks like you ve been pushed to the edge (believe me I know how it feels) I will give you the "worst" and most desperate solution.

    1. Turn your feelings off - Ok I know its seems hard but in fact its kinda easy. You just ignore everything that is coming at you. Emptiness is something which I used to always welcome on times like this.

    2. Care only about yourself - Think about like this - You re dont deserve it, everyone who hurts you are simply low trash so you really dont have to care about their opinion. However there is no need to be rude on nice people. Do what is best for you. You think going to school sucks now but when you finish it you can go away from them.

    3. Payback - They dont care how you feel, what are you doing, they re not helping you - do the same. Be cold, distant and talk to them as little as you can. Answer straight if they ask why are you behaving like this. Some people even think about themselves after it.

    4. Just a guest - Do as many things as you can yourself for yourself. Dont behave to them like they re family, like they arer only distant roommates.

    Use this only if really need.It would be really better if you use some other advices. And if your situation is not that bad dont take me seriously :wink:
     
  8. Ljjgreat2017

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    I'm so sorry to hear about the problems you're facing. It really hurts me to see you struggling. I know life can be hard, but there is always something positive when things go negative.

    It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression. I think you should seek ways to get rid of this. I know it may be hard without therapy.

    I know I cant say everything.

    But I'll break it down.

    Your family is your family. They are suppose to love you no matter what. To be treated like dirt from your own family and friends sounds like a very painful thing to deal with.

    My heart and sympathies go out to you.

    I am sorry for all the pain that you are going through.

    Please understand that there is something positive in every situation, whether it is positive or negative.

    If you are going through a hard time, please send me a message. Either send me a PM or a visitor's message.

    Something else I would suggest is to call the National Suicide Hotline or the Trevor Project Hotline. I think there is a transgender hotline as well. Please call those numbers whenever you are struggling hard.

    Also, please keep reaching out for help. I am glad that you are making a decision to reach out to others. Look on the bright side, at least you're acknowledging your positives.
     
  9. Young Blood

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    Hey there,

    I'm going to speaking as somebody who has been kicked out and has been homeless before and now struggling living on her own. If things are really that bad at home, then I would definitely sit down and go through an extensive plan. Make sure you have a job at least because things will be difficult without one. If you can, try to find someone that you trust to crash with for a bit before you venture out on your own completely. However, I would strongly suggest trying to stick it out with your family for a bit longer if you can. Being out on the streets or even out on your own is extremely hard. This isn't meant to scare you or to say that you wouldn't be able to make it on your own, I just want you to hear the other side of things before you make a decision.

    As other people have stated on here, it's good that you're reaching out. We are all here if you need someone to talk to. All you have to do is message :slight_smile: I would definitely consider speaking about all you've told us with your therapist if you haven't already. I've been in the same position as you where I found no joy in the things I used to like doing and became really depressed, and it's not an easy thing to get through on your own. Just remember, things may seem bad now, but trust me, later down the road, things always get better. I promise <3