Title mean to say "still lives with his ex" hey guys, so this has been on my mind for a little while now. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 months now. This is a gay & long distance relationship if that matters. We are pretty happy together overall & i go visit for a month at a time so far. When we started dating i very soon after learned that his "roommate" is actually his ex. It bugged me at first, but i got used to the idea after it sunk in. My bf wasn't happy in the relationship & they came to the conclusion that they make better friends. They haven't been together in over a year but my bf still lets her (she was once a ftm but changed back to a female) live at his house rent free. She has her own room/bathroom & & acts more like the house is hers than my bf does. Anytime i come downstairs she is on the couch watching tv or in the living room. I honestly am not great at living with other people, I am very one on one type. She treats me like a guest as if its her space, i want to feel like its me & my boyfriends space (my bf treats me like whats mine is his & it makes me feel very at home). I would like a little more privacy with my bf, ect. And well, i feel like she is getting in the way of my feeling completely satisfied with the relationship. I would be a lot more comfortable in a lot of ways if it were just me & him in the house. I have told him this. I dont really understand why he doesnt set a deadline for her, but i think its because he is just a very kind person & would feel bad doing that. He has said that theres no guarantee when she will move out. If shes living there rent freewith no deadline, what is her motivation to ever leave, i mean she could just keep living off him as long as she wants. She has a part time job but she goes shopping a lot so it doesnt even seem like shes saving. Anyways i want to feel like i am a bigger priority then his ex. For example: she has the garage space, i have to walk way out to the street where i park my car. On top of all that i think having her there is making it harder to be my true self. I sort of hold back my personality around her because i feel like shes very sarcastic & judgemental. Sorry for all the rant, I know this may seem stupid or selfish but thats what im dealing with here. I have done a good job of staying calm about it & i havent acted out on my feelings because i am trying to be understanding. I have spent a lot of time thinking about it & feeling upset about it, some days even mad. Sorry if this is writing is a mess. ~Any suggestions or comments i would really appreciate it.
I have seen this situation now on several occasions with friends of mine. Based on what I saw second hand, you have every reason to feel the way you do. Whether your boyfriend still has feelings for his roommate or not, the situation undoubtedly will cause him to prioritize his attention either to you or to his roommate. I also find it interesting that she is allowed to stay there rent free, and gets the privileges as if she were participating in the upkeep. That said, you are in a long distance relationship, and it has only been four months. The both of you are probably still too early in the relationship to have figured out what the long term implications are. So while the relationship is still young, as part of the evolution you need to take into account the current living situation as you decide what direction you want to take the relationship. If you see long term potential, if you think the long distance aspect is solvable, and you want to establish a foundation for the two of you to grow together, then it would be appropriate for you to sit down with your boyfriend and have a discussion expressing your thoughts. If he agrees that there is potential for the relationship to flourish, then you should both come up with a critical path and timeline for the both of you to work towards. As part of that timeline, the living situation needs to be an important factor (both where you live and whom is living with you). As far as the long distance part is concerned, my husband and I were living across the pond from one another for three years. We had flexibility in our schedules that allowed us to be together 50% (if not more) of the time where I was either with him or he was with me. Before we married, we planned carefully how we would merge our two lives and set an appropriate timetable for doing so, recognizing the timetable was more of a guide than anything else. As part of the the planning, we agreed that one or the other of us would relocate, and I am now in the process of doing just (where we only recently got married a few weeks ago). In conclusion, I would suggest before you start to focus on the roommate situation, you should first focus on where you think the relationship can go. Keep this as the priority. If you decide there is compatibility and long term potential, and feel either you or he are willing to take the proper steps to eliminate the long term nature of the relationship, then and only then should you focus on how the roommate plays into all of this. It might be frustrating in the meantime, but this would seem the proper way to handle the situation.
Our relationship has long term potential no doubt. We have actually already talked about me one day moving in, since he is the one with a house & I am less tied down with work. I am totally willing to take the steps to do this, but I have told him I would be much more comfortable doing it once the ex moves out so I will feel more at home first. It's still early so I know there's plenty of time, but I still wish he would put his foot down & get ready to move on to the next step sooner or later so that we can begin to progress from there. as long as the ex is around I feel like our relationship is sort of on hold & is actually the only thing that is making me second guess things. I could enjoy my visits so much more if it was just me & him. He honestly probably doesn't realize how much of an impact this is having on me or how sensitive I am to it. And so I'm starting to feel a little resentful about that. I don't really know what to do for the time being, which could be a long time. A timeline would definetely give me some peace of mind. If I wasn't at the step where I feel so much potential between us in many ways, then this wouldn't be so upsetting. I don't know how to talk to him about it without seeming selfish or controlling, while also making him realize how sensitive I really am to it.:/ Thx for your response, its helped me see that I don't need to act right away, & that my feelings are totally valid. Also congrats on the wedding!
You can approach it without sounding controlling. I would do it in person next time your together. Maybe when you are out to dinner over a glass of wine. Bring up the relationship and ask to talk about where you and he see things going. Keep this topic as just one of the broader points in an overall discussion on the relationship. Do not overemphasis it. Focus on the long term potential.
