Hi All, So I've been with my boyfriend for 4-5 months now and everything is going really well in our relationship, actually. We both love each other and to be quite honest, I'm so happy I can really see myself being with this guy forever, and I think he feels the same way, he's just that great, a true keeper. That being said, recently there's been some stuff uncovered about how we met and what not and its really starting to hit me and I'm not sure how to handle it. To start with, we met online and we were doing long distance as we are in different states, a few hours apart. We both went through a lot, including coming out to our parents when we started dating and meeting our parents and so on. The thing with how we met is that we didn't go on a date for a while after we started talking, like about a month or so. Between being busy and making the drive to meet halfway on a weekend, we both settled for doing FaceTime call for about three weeks until we had our first in person date. During this time, he made me aware that he was seeing this other guy that he met before me because he felt "guilty" about being dishonest and chatting with both of us. Of course naturally I was curious I mean I was really into this guy and I was a tiny jealous but at the same time, I haven't met this guy yet and so I said no big deal. Actually, I was kinda surprised he was telling me this and I think looking back I kinda wish he didn't tell me. Once we met in person, things progressed really fast as we were falling in love. By the second date, we were boyfriends (which I guess is exclusive...although maybe he considers that the exclusiveness started at the first date since that's our anniversary....idk) and by the fourth he told me he loved me. He met my parents after like six in person dates. Yeah...it was fast, probably shouldn't have moved that fast but we were in love and still are, downright in love. The thing is, is that as we had more in person dates,he told me a little bit more about his previous dating and it turns out that he went on a lot of dates right before our first date. The only thing I asked him was any sexual history he had cuz I was inexperienced, but the main reason was just because std screening and what not, I felt like we should know. Well he lied to me at first and said none, and then after we started doing some stuff, he told me a bit more and then later more, and he didn't do that much but like the point is that he really built up to it and didn't really tell me until after we started being active. On top of this, he not only told me about his small amount of history (during the timeframe between when we first started talking and went on our first date) but he also started talking to me about all the dates he went on...again, not sure why. And each time he talks about it, still even now, there's a little detail he adds, it's as if he has this agenda to make me jealous, he's even showed me some pictures of some of the dates he's went on. Like recently, he told me he went on a date two days before our first date. Now, he wouldn't cheat on me and. I'm not fearful that he will or anything but I've started to become a little upset by all of this, not only because he really didn't need to tell me this and it felt like he might be trying to make me jealous or something, but for the reasons below too: -he has told me that he was already falling in love with me before we even had our first date, during the time he was messaging and dating other people, just from our FaceTime calls, he knew we would be special. He even said our first date was more than a first date. He often refers to this time as in, oh today x months ago we had our first FaceTime call and all I think about is the other guys he was dating. I actually don't like when he bring this period of time up. -I didn't date anyone else during our pre-exclusionary dating in person period because I was becoming so attached to him and felt him becoming attached to me. He told me the other guy he was dating had nothing on me and he just felt like he had to date him because it seemed the most fair thing to do since they were seeing each other and he felt bad or something for the guy idk. I rather him not have told me any of this than tell me half the truth and slowly unravel the full truth about his dating or what I believe to be the full truth -he was upset at me because a weekend between our first and second date, I had a family thing I was going to and he felt like I should have skipped that to meet him again. This just feels ridiculous, we weren't even exclusive yet at that time and just less than two weeks ago he was dating someone else, yet he thought I was neglecting him. -he told me like the second or third date that he noticed that back before we met each other, he was upset because I was logging into the dating website and thought I was ignoring him and flirting with other guys instead. Meanwhile he was dating other people and that was okay, again, this feels ridiculous, he's not practicing what he preaches. -he must not have felt that guilty if he was dating a ton more people and not telling me during this period. I know a lot of this I need to decide what to do and overcome. I'm not saying he did anything inherently wrong or cheated but I do feel like he played me a bit and deceived me. I feel a bit manipulated and that he held me to a different standard, that he felt like he had me wrapped around his finger while he did whatever. Again, this is an old topic I suppose for us, but I can seem to get past it as my love for him grows and I want to stay with him but need to figure this out. Do you think any of this is reasonable? Should I talk to him or just really push it back in my head?
Pushing things back is never a good idea in the long run as even if they start out small they tend to grow and accumulate more little things until they get to be big problems. It might seem easiest to do that, but communication is always the better option. My advice is to talk to him about it, but try to keep it chill. Just tell him what bothers you and why, give him a chance to explain. Try not to come at it from an accusatory angle, your post doesn't sound that way at all, it's just something to keep in mind. The way he looks at the situation might be really different from how you see it, so it would be good to find out what his perspective is and tell him yours so you can have an open discussion.
Thanks Najlen, I agree. I definitely will talk to him because I feel like it's not an unreasonable discussion. Not sure how he'll exactly respond at this point, I mean it won't be bad but he might not know what to say but idk hopefully it will feel better to vocalize.
I don't think your thoughts are unreasonable. I might be somewhat biased because I'm personally very easily affected and bothered by things that would seem practically irrelevant to other people, so take my judgement with a grain of salt I guess, but yeah if I was in your place I'd definitely want to clear things up as well. Feeling bothering by him bringing up that period of time is an obvious sign that it's an unresolved issue, and I doubt keeping it to yourself for longer would do anything good. Sweeping issues under the rug definitely isn't a wise choice, and I say that from experience. So yeah, I think it's important to talk about it for you to get some closure. Hopefully he responds well, and getting that off your chest also makes you feel better
Thanks blueshadedsoul (love that username by the way!) I agree and I also can be very sensitive too which is why I was asking so no worries. Yeah honestly he's great with being understanding, I'll just talk to him tonight, thanks!
