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Things aren’t adding up/am I headed for a divorce?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rokara, Mar 17, 2017.

  1. rokara

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    I know that I don’t post often and I try to keep my personal stuff exactly that, however this just seems to be too much for me to wrap my brain around and I need some help figuring it all out.

    Things in my marriage over the past 9 months since I came out have been tumultuous. Lots of intermittent fighting and arguing over things we didn’t go on about before. We talk less when we aren’t fighting and it’s usually about more mundane things like the weather, our nephews, things like that. She says she has trust issues with me (she was the last person I told the day I came out and she has held it against me even though that wasn’t how I wanted things to play out and she knows it) despite the fact that we still have sex (I would guess this is normal, but I’m not sure of that either).

    The fighting/arguing is always prefaced by at least a day or two of not talking to me, or saying as little as possible, yet being very chatty and outgoing at her place of work (this was proven the other day by our roomates who work at the same place, different shift, when they happened to catch her after her shift was done). The fighting is usually resolved with a round of sex later that night and she acts like things are normal for a while. It’s a cycle and not fun.


    The subject that brings about the fighting the most is anything to do with transgender people and myself possibly transitioning, despite knowing that right now all I wish to do is see a therapist and get things sorted out and go from there. She has said countless times that she fully supports the LGBT community and lifestyle, she just can’t be in a romantic relationship with someone like that (she had a previous relationship with a pre-transition transwoman that went south very quickly amid her views and some abuse that took place). This has led her to state, unequivocally, that should I be diagnosed with gender dysphoria by a therapist (should I ever get in to see one) and decide to medically transition, our marriage would be over. To add context to that statement, my wife has become very good friends with a transwoman she works with that’s in the process of transitioning.


    I’ve also become less physically affectionate with her. This is mainly due to not knowing how she will react and with her insistence on grabbing and playing with my crotch at any opportunity she gets. It makes me extremely uncomfortable (she does get rough) and knows that I don’t like doing that sort of thing around our nephews as I view that as something inappropriate to do around them. (This also led to quite the fight last night.)

    I’m quite over the drama she’s caused. I feel physically drained most of the time I’m around her and somewhat look forward to the days she’s at work. Because of all this, and not knowing what will set off the drama, I feel that I can’t have a normal conversation with her. She knows all I want is to figure out my gender identity, live life to the fullest and love her. She’s making all of this impossible and to boot has put me in an untenable spot with her declaration that was mentioned earlier that I have no idea how to figure out (stay male, keep marriage or transition to female, get divorced).

    Where is this all leading? Are we headed for a divorce? Is she in denial about the whole situation and not wanting to deal with it? I’m so tired and confused it’s become just ugh :bang::bang::icon_sad:
     
  2. dvxqnc

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    I'm really sorry this is happening to you, it seems like you're in a really bad place right now but you want to keep the relationship healthy. It seems like it might be important to sit down with your SO and try to have a heart-to-heart conversation about where your future is going and what she thinks about it. Perhaps the conversation could be facilitated by a marriage counselor or a close friend both of you trust.
     
  3. rokara

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    We've had quite a few heart-to-heart conversations over the past few months and her stance seems to be pretty clear, even though her actions aren't. She's more or less drawn a defined line in the sand and stated that she's fine with me dressing in female clothes except for when I'm in public with her, but as soon as any E is taken, she's gone. This in spite of the fact that I've stated clearly I want to take things one step at a time and have her fully invested and involved in things.

    She's left me in quite the dilemma. Do I go to a therapist and find the answers to questions about my gender identity I want and risk losing her? Or do I not seek therapy, leave the questions unanswered, guarantee that I keep her as my wife and be left wondering "what if?"

    I'm sorry this is happening too. I'm starting to lament that my marriage of almost 9 years may be going down the drain all because I want to seek answers about myself and be happy :frowning2:
     
  4. Najlen

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    Maybe you could see a counselor together to try and work things out? If you think she might agree to go that could help.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    I think your prioritizing things the wrong way if I can be so blunt. You have serious questions about your gender yet your focused first on your marriage. Your marriage seems to be the tail wagging the dog!

    Before you can even contemplate your marriage situation, you should first work through your gender. While I am not sure what your financial situation is, I would strongly suggest you do go see a therapist and sort through that first. Your wife has made it clear what she expects, there does not seem to be any doubt about that.

    So now you need to define for yourself whom you are. And if in fact you do need to transition, accept that that you will most likely need to move on from your marriage. But you can figure out the later without figuring out the first part - your gender.

    Its a tough pill to swallow, but a relatively obvious critical path from a third party perspective. I would imagine your confidence and self esteem are quite diminished given the confusion over your gender as well as what appears to be a very strong minded spouse. But you need to gain some personal strength and push your way forward to do whats right for you.
     
    #5 OnTheHighway, Mar 23, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2017
  6. WMM

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    It's unlikely anyone is going to be able to help you find a way to get your wife to change her mind. I suspect you're reaching out and hoping to find some way to do that.

    It's likely you need to accept that what she said is what she intends to do. Now you need to decide what you need to do.

    If you go see a therapist would they give you Estrogen on the first visit? I don't know, but I doubt it. I suggest you should just take one step at a time.
     
  7. rokara

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    I'm just that kind of person that puts others before themselves. Being so selfless is a blessing and curse, mainly because I never learned how to take care of/do things for myself.

    I've processed all of the advice everyone has given me over the weekend and I've come to accept that me figuring things out has a high chance of ending my marriage and that may not entirely be a bad thing. I'm still trying to keep my marriage healthy and open, but the more I talk to people about it, the more it seems like it's going to end at some point.

    In brighter news, I finally picked a therapist that I feel I can afford (yay sliding scale payments FTW!) or at least get some help paying for if it comes down to it. I'm going to be filling and sending out the forms this week and I've never been so nervous, excited and at peace with a decision in my life!

    As far as the suggestion of getting couple's counseling/therapy goes, I highly doubt my wife would go through with it. This is based on many previous discussions I've had with her about getting me therapy. Her stance was to blow me off and say "you do what you gotta do".

    That being said, I'm looking forward to starting what I feel may be the next chapter in my life and am starting to feel better and more confident but I know there's a long way to go! :slight_smile:
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Wow! It sounds like your doing exactly what you should be doing - finding a way forward! This might not seem the case, but others can draw inspiration from your decision to move ahead and find answers for yourself.

    I am looking forward to more posts as you progress on your journey!
     
  9. rokara

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    Thanks OTH! If things go to plan, I am filling out the paperwork for getting started with therapy tomorrow!

    Barring any major setbacks, I have a feeling things will only get better from here on out. Other than getting paperwork done and an appointment set up, I just have to figure out the bombshell my wife dropped yesterday: she thinks she might be pregnant. Not coincidentally, our roommate is also about 2 months pregnant with her 5th child. I'm sure one of the home tests will get things sorted out, as I'm not 100% sure if my wife is really pregnant or not (she's done this the last 3 times our roommate has been pregnant). Even if she is, I take solace in knowing that kid will have at least one awesome parent! :slight_smile:
     
  10. cakepiecookie

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    You have separate issues. The first is that you're probably a woman and your wife is straight. This would be a clear issue even in the healthiest relationship.

    The second is that your wife seems to be abusive. The stuff about her grabbing at you is really inappropriate. She's disrespecting your boundaries. Your comments about her also suggest that you have a lot of contempt for her, which is a very bad sign.

    It sounds like you need to focus on getting out of this relationship as peacefully as possible. If she does turn out to be pregnant, you might want to talk to a lawyer to see what you can do to make sure you have access to your child.
     
  11. rokara

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    The pregnancy is not there. Apparently her body was trying to "sync" up with our roommate's and since our roommate is pregnant, my wife's body couldn't and just went and did its thing. This has happened with our roommate's past 3 pregnancies, so this didn't come as a surprise.

    I know that my relationship has bordered on the abusive side as I've been told that before. The part that struck me is the bolded part. After going back and rereading what I wrote, it does seem clear that I do have some contempt there. Ending the relationship isn't gonna be easy. I do love her a ton, and I'm not the kind of person that likes confrontation or hurting people in any way. I just know that when the time comes that we split (it's a matter of when, not if) its gonna wreck me emotionally and I just hope it goes as smoothly and quickly as possible.
     
  12. rokara

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    Just to update things before I go semi silent this weekend.

    Despite all the drama I've posted I am still going to go through with therapy. Just waiting on a call from the therapist's office to get some help filling out the forms and getting arrangements made for appointments since I've been medically advised not to drive.

    On my relationship with my wife, I plan on trying to figure things out with her at some point and see if she's willing to go through with couple's therapy and go from there. Even with her being somewhat abusive, I honestly don't think she's doing it intentionally and that there might be an underlying cause (she had a rough childhood and was in foster care her last couple years of high school. I've met her foster mom and she's an awesome lady!).

    It's pretty amazing how talking to someone that's close to you, yet outside of the situation, can help out!