Finally am at peace with myself

Good for you. I'm happy for you.

 

Good luck. It is possible.

My wife and I are wild children, so it was much easier for her to experience her lesbian side. The lesbian is strong in her, but she loves me. She doesn't like my body, but she loves my kisses and my attention. We have lots of sex.

Some people said I would have enjoyed sex much more if I had dumped her and found a heterosexual woman. They said she would have been more fulfilled if she had dumped me and found a lesbian girlfriend. But our sex is pretty good. We have a lot of sexy fun every day in our sixties. I have as many orgasms as I can. I make sure she has several every day.

And I know a lot of times while I'm performing oral sex on her she's thinking about her girlfriends. But that's fine. We love each other, and that means more than sex.

Be well

 

Good Luck!!!

 

Mj, it is great your at peace with yourself knowing you fall somewhere between straight and gay, and even with that your desire to want to work things out with your wife which I do hope is successful.

It is my sincere hope your wife will allow herself to be open minded enough to give you the room you need to be yourself. Based on your prior posts, I know she has a lot of work to do to get there.

As you navigate this next phase with her, I would just suggest you do so in a manner which allows you to stay true to yourself. The last place you want to be is in a situation where you both agree to move forward but you do so in a way which restricts your ability to continue to be completely honest with yourself - however it is you define such honesty.

Please continue to post, as you said, you still have a way to go!

 

Hi MJ

As I've written before, I admire your commitment to your wife and your desire to be in a monogamous marriage.

I am going to ask a hard question here. I touched on this another time and so has OntheHighway...

Something drove you to become sexually active with men in the past. This wasn't a one time thing or with one person as you've reported. And, it wasn't just some experimentation or an oops mistake. Forgive this interpretation...but it seemed maybe more like a lifestyle. Can you be fulfilled without having intimacy with men?

Everyone is different. But, for a lot of us, this need to engage our true sexual identity...gay, bi or straight or some variation of these...is necessary to be fulfilled. I know that as a bisexual I was happy for 35 years of monogamy with my wife. Now, I desire the sexual fulfillment of having sex with men. I wouldn't at the cost of my marriage, which is fulfilling in so many other ways. But, it is something I feel I need to be complete.

The desires don't go away. I hope that this is part of your thought process. Not acting on these desires is one thing...denying them is quite another. After all the years with my wife, it became apparent that unless I was out to my wife and she was O.K. with it, I could not be everything I am. I hope this becomes your situation.

To reiterate what I once wrote. Being bisexual does not mean you have gay sex (or straight sex for that matter). It means that you recognize and embrace the attractions. I am finding that the sex with guys is not nearly as fulfilling as the social aspects of being gay. My wife was always O.K. with this. I hope you can find this within the bounds of your marriage.

I hang out with gay guys as a gay man some of the time. This might include going to a drag show, or a gay bar, do some dancing, flirting. My wife has gone with me sometimes. But, I get to be gay...and it is so important to me. In fact, if I get that in my life, I feel less obsessed with having intimacy with a man.

Best of luck.

 

Finding happiness and peace is the ultimate goal of our journeys. Since love and emotional connection are important considerations for you, I'm wondering how love and emotional connection with another man feels vis-à-vis the bond that you have with your wife?

 

MJ, so many of us have been in your position. It's obviously for you to decide what works for you. I would simply advise to make sure your being honest with yourself. Don't let guilt or your wife's conservative views impact how your thinking about yourself; because of you do, what seems like a solution today may cause longer term pain and suffering for everyone going forward (including yourself).

 

Hey MJ

Just to clarify. It is great that you have gay friends and support the LGBT community. That's not what I meant by being engaged with other gay/bi men. Half my family is gay. It wasn't until I was a gay man with other guys that I learned to appreciate the difference. My wife said this the best...it is worth repeating. "You cannot not be gay and you cannot be gay alone". I hope your wife allows the freedom to have a platonic gay lifestyle or you get some other way to engage your same sex attractions as part of a heterosexual marriage.

Forgive me for using the term gay instead of "bi". Another of my wife's conditions. I called it my "bi-side" and she asked which side of "bi" was she on? So, I refer to my same sex attractions as gay.

 

Wonderful is cuddling with the man that you love after hot sex and waking up next to each other the following morning. His embrace makes you feel safe and secure in ways that our wives never could. Since your extramarital activities were limited to men, I wonder if you might regret and feel remorse that you haven't given yourself permission to feel love and connection with another man, instead discounting and attributing your experience with the label of sex addiction. Your sexual attraction to men also means that you have the potential for romantic attraction to men, and you may even find that love with men even more wonderful.

 

Been giving this some more thought as I am floating 35,000 feet above the ground. Mj, have you dealt with shame at all with your therapists? Not the guilt from cheating, but shame from your same sex desires? It sounds like your discussing the same sex attraction and trying to understand it. But I wonder if maybe your confusing the guilt from one with the shame from the other. If you rush to try and reconcile, and the shame is left unattended to, you might be reconciling with a fragile foundation. As you reconcile, please be sure to address shame with your therapist so you can confidently reconcile with a solid foundation.

 

And just to add to this train of thought, maybe you should consider if your using your wife's desire to reconcile as a way to pacify the shame and continue to repress it rather than dealing with it head on. You may want to bring this up with your therapist. If what I am suggesting is wrong, which I very may be, is there any harm in contemplating it?

 

Good to hear how open and honest your being all the way around!