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1st visit to a gay bar!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Questions93, Mar 14, 2017.

  1. Questions93

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    Hey Guys,

    So in an attempt to try and expose myself to more gay things to get more comfortable with myself, I think I might try and go to a gay bar in the next few days!

    I am doing some travelling in Cambodia and might try and go to one of the shows thats on. I probably either wont make it in, or turn straight back around, but I'll give it a go. I'm travelling on my own and I just think that if I know that no one I know is around, I have more of a chance of actually going.

    Good idea? Bad idea?

    I have no idea what I do in there, or what I'll do if, God forbid, someone tries to talk to me :eek: But we'll see what happens!

    Any thoughts or advice? :thumbsup:
     
  2. analogue

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    :icon_biggI think this is a great idea!! I have been wanting to go to the local gay bar since I came out a year and a half ago. I haven't gone yet, partly because my friends say they'll go with me (but we're all too busy right now).More recently, I've been thinking about going alone, I'd just like to get myself out there.

    I think you should go for it, and if someone does try to talk to you, just roll with it :icon_bigg

    Edit to add: I was just coming into this sub-forum to post something about this
     
    #2 analogue, Mar 14, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2017
  3. Questions93

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    Hey analogue,

    Thanks for the words of encouragement!! Yeah, I just came out to friends a few weeks ago! And one who is gay, said he would go to a bar with me. My problem is he doesn't know how uncomfortable I am with this, and I don't really want to go with him in case I end up having to leave straight away! At least going alone, you can do whatever you want.

    Best of luck to you :thumbsup:
     
  4. Moonsparkle

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    I think you should give it a go! (This from someone who has yet to have the courage to do it!)

    The fact that you will be in a place where you don't know anyone would seem to make it easier. One thing that always stops me is not only my fear that I will feel awkward, but that someone I know will SEE ME looking awkward:lol: (that seems worse than feeling awkward!)

    I say go for it and keep us posted!
     
  5. smurf

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    You will definitely be awkward the first time and it will be A LOT to take in, but go in and be your awkward self.

    What I had to do last time is give myself a time to push. So I went in with the idea of having one beer and then leaving. This kinda gives you a mission and helps you challenge yourself.

    I did that the first time. Didn't talk to a soul and just let myself people watch. I felt super awkward, but I was glad that I made myself go and kinda get the fear and anxiety of it all out of the way.

    Now, after going a bunch of times, clubs are def not my thing, but I love going to dance and be with friends every so often.

    I hope you enjoy yourself! :slight_smile:
     
  6. Questions93

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    Hi guys,

    Moonsparkle, I know exactly what you mean. I am embarrassed at how awkward I am! I know i have no reason to be, I just am!

    Hi smurf, thanks for that. Its a really good idea! Ok, so to make it official: I will finish at least 1 beer in a gay bar before the end of my 5 day trip!

    :slight_smile:
     
  7. Questions93

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    Ok, so an update on the situation. And as always, the simple plan turned to crap.

    I had planned to go on an evening tour of the city and then after that, wander over to 1 of the gay bars that had a show on.

    But what accidently happened, i kind of hooked up with the tour guide (actually sounds quite funny now that i write it).

    But anyway, we were both too shy to state the obvious that we were both gay, so it was a long awkward night of giving hints, even after I asked him about a boyfriend. So we didnt go all the way but not too far off it! Im not really quite sure how to feel about it. It felt good, and i was surprisingly comfortable even in the gay bar. Well it was more a gay friendly club not really a gay bar (so i dont think i achieved my goal!). But it wasnt in a very good location and it was pretty much an experience filled with shame and fear. Another one for me. But actually for him as well. We basically talked about how much we hated being gay and stuff like that. He said it was the first time he had done anything like that.

    Sorry post is a bit all over the place. I just dont really know how i feel about any of it. I said i would just go and visit the gay bar, and not panic and sleep with the first guy i met (pretty much the last time) - but i pretty much done the same thing again now.

    I'm actually going to say the not so good location that i didnt want to mention earlier. Because im usually ashamed of these type of things, and it keeps eating away at me until i cant deal with it at all! So we did do some oral sex stuff and it was basically down a back alley. As they wouldnt let him into my hostel. I know its a digusting place to do it, we just didnt really have a choice. And i think the location just added to all the shame!

    Thanks for letting me rant :slight_smile:
     
  8. Paxana

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    I still want to go to one sometime in the future, in about three years. Should be exhilarating since my mother would go with me (brother and stepdad don't consider it 'manly' enough), so yeah
     
  9. Questions93

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    Hey guys, so I didnt want to leave without achieving my goal as I would have felt like i completely failed....again!

    So tonight (my last night), i went to a gay bar. I finished one beer, and then i got my ass out of there before i could screw anything else up. So yeah, its done. Hopefully next time i will be a bit more relaxed and actually talk to someone (although giving myself a little bit of a break, everyone there seemed to be couples or in big groups).

    Still not sure how im supposed to feel about the other night, but at least i acheived the goal i set out to do!
     
  10. AKTodd

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    Honestly dude, there's no need to feel shame about this. Yes, a back alley isn't an ideal place to do a hookup, for any number of reasons. But humans being the sexual animals they are, quite a lot of people (of every gender and sexual orientation) have had sex in them, along with cars, closets, gym saunas, etc.

    My first time with a guy was in a toilet stall in a locker room after martial arts practice. Not the most romantic or comfortable or safe place to do it, but it still felt good and I don't regret it.

    Take this as a learning experience (and one I hope was at least somewhat pleasurable), understand it's not your preferred option, and take steps to make sure that your next experience is under circumstances more to your taste. Because really that's all you can do (unless you've got a time machine in your pocket?). And shame is only appropriate when you've done something that you should be ashamed of - which you didn't.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  11. Questions93

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    Hi Todd,

    I am so relieved to hear someone say that, thank you! I am trying to make sure i dont end up in these type of situations but they just seems to somehow happen!

    But thank you again, it means a lot.
     
  12. Moonsparkle

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    First of all Congrats! You did what you set out to do--go into a gay bar and have one beer. Awesome! Mission complete :slight_smile:

    Second, in agreement with above posters-don't be too hard on yourself about your hook up. Nothing to be ashamed of and we have all done stuff like that--hooking up in less than ideal locations/circumstances.

    You do mention though that these type of things just seem to 'happen'. I learned something from my therapist...that I always remember now. Having been someone who found herself in a variety of life situations that just SEEMED to 'keep happening,' and I didn't know why. He reminded me that I am an active participant in ALL these situations. (Even if my participation was just going along with the flow--I was still making the decision to participate.) Made me really look at my role, my decisions in creating some patterns in my life that just plain don't really work for me. And had to look at why I made the decisions I do, if ultimately they don't serve me well or make me feel good about myself. Not sure if this helps you at all, but it really helped me!

    At any rate, awesome for you for following through on visiting the bar! (!)
     
  13. smurf

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    Trust me when I tell you that these situations don't just happen.

    The shame that you are feeling is probably coming more from this sentence than anything else that you actually did.

    From my perspective, it seems that you enjoy hooking up with cute guys and sometimes even in alleys. Hell yes, that is awesome. You do you.

    But what seems to be happening is that you are under the belief that you shouldn't be liking that or doing any of that at all, and that doing that makes you a bad person and something you should be ashamed of.

    You didn't hurt anyone, you respected your partner, you had a great conversation and connected with another guy, you were able to complete your goal for your trip, and you got a memorable moment that you enjoyed at the time.

    Don't allow the "shoulds" of the situation dictate how you feel.

    You sound like an amazing guy. If you ever stop beating yourself up for your feeling you will feel it too :slight_smile:
     
  14. Zen fix

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    Ultimately everything seems like it was on the up and up. Nothing to be ashamed of. It just didn't happen exactly how you wanted and you still have some hang ups but you'll get rid of those eventually.
     
  15. Questions93

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    Hey,

    I have spent a few days thinking about the last few comments in this thread. The truth can be tough to take sometimes. Like I said, I have thought about what you guys have said, and realised you are right.

    I have had only 2 experiences with men. Both times I was very drunk but not drunk enough that I didn't know what I was doing. The opportunity presented itself - and I took it. I probably would have done the same if I was sober. At the time, I felt guilty about what I was doing at times (I know I shouldn't) but in reality I enjoyed both experiences. It just felt right.

    Why my only 2 experiences have happened at a bathhouse and a back alley? I think because I choose places I can hide. Dark places, where I am sure no one can see the "wrong" things I am doing. That's what I think they are...no matter how much I know there is nothing wrong with it, it is something that I have drilled into my head my whole life, not society, me! That the things I am thinking are disgusting. There is something wrong with me. I need to fix myself.

    Now don't get me wrong, I know how stupid that is, and how untrue it is. But now I just feel like the damage has been done! I'm not sure whether I will ever feel normal being who I am. The years of self-hatred have gone to far, it's never going to change.

    As you have probably gathered, it's what I do best!

    All that said, I have come to the realization recently, that I have no choice but to keep going forward. So I will set more goals. I will definitetly fuck up again. But I will keep aiming to become more ok with this situation, even if I'm never happy about it. I will learn to deal with it!

    Thanks again guys for all your help! I have more questions but I think I'll lay off for a while, I feel like I've been taken over the forum over the last few months!

    :smilewave