Man I dont even know where to start deconstructing this mess of feelings

SAME SAME SAME 100%. That is pretty much how I've felt on and off most of my life. It's a deeply confusing place to be. I don't really know if I even care about pronouns, let alone being able to decide on one for myself. The name thing came easy to me though - my birthname was deeply elegant and feminine, a reflection of my mother, not myself. After I picked the name Sam at 25, I kept finding places throughout my youth where I used the name for characters I connected with, important objects. (my first cell phone was "named" sam.)

I've been trying to reach out to therapists but yeah, my options are limited and expensive being in the united states. I'm trying to find a gender-specific therapist, but ones that take my insurance are few and far between, and the ones that are available are stretched really thin because of the demand for service from poor/low income communities like myself.

Thanks again for the response, sorry it took so long to get back. It's been a wild few days.(&&&)

 

"I nearly cried when I found out it's actually possible, relatively simple even, for an afab to gain a penis and still keep my vagina." That is really, really, really encouraging to hear. I don't know much about it aside from I heard one person day "If you start T, you'll get a penis." they were listing this as a negative/unexpected(???) side effect of T but it's an effect that I think I would really, really enjoy. There's something inside of me that really really would love to have a penis and feels very ambiviliant/meh toward my vagina. I don't hate it. I don't like it. I don't really care about it. "pretending" to have a penis brings me a lot of excitement and joy, and I'm curious about packing.

You've certainly given me additional food for thought. The duality of bi-gender speaks to me in a very real way. I've hardly ever felt that it was relevant whatsoever, (I was an Asshole Athiest up until recently and then I just became an Athiest and now I'm agnostic.) but I'm a gemini, and despite feeling pretty dismissive toward the concept of astrology as a whole, the whole "two selves" thing ALWAYS resonated with me.

But I also don't know that my gender "switches", really. My presentation does for sure, but my internal sense of gender switches very little, I think? If it does "switch", the switches seem to be more a matter of months or years of a primary "gender feeling" with small moments of other gender feelings peppered throughout. But I think that's just phases of my life I'm remembering as times I questioned, and times I did not. I don't know how much that may speak to my actual gender because I spent so much energy hiding parts of it from myself?

It's especially confusing because I can't tell the difference between being bisexual androgyne, or a mostly-straight-but-a-little-bi-bigendered-person.

I'll explain

I've courted few women, despite my preference for them. It's always felt easier to date men as a bi "woman" than to date women as a bi "woman". But when I did, and when I imagine myself in context of relationships with women, I almost always feel much more masculine in these circumstances. I feel a kinship and a desire to take on the traditionally masculine roles in the relationship. I do feel some of these desires in my relationships with men (I love it when my partner lays his head on my chest with my arms around him, it's the best the best the best the best the best) but the feeling is not as strong, and rarely expressed.

I've been content taking on feminine roles in my relationships with men, and given my lack of any real substantial relationships with women, I'm not entirely sure how those kind of relationships would impact my sense of femininity.

It feels like, if bi-gender is indeed the feeling I am experiencing, both my feminine and masculine side are hetro-leaning bisexual? But then again, the desire to have a penis and beard never really fades even on feminine days, so who knows, maybe I'm just a man in denial I can't even tell anymore?