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Man I dont even know where to start deconstructing this mess of feelings

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Saminthenile, Mar 13, 2017.

  1. Saminthenile

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    [AN: I WROTE you a fucking gender manifesto and I'm sorry. Writing out a lot of my history helps me get it straight in my head and it's helpful for me, but it's probably boring as shit to the lot of you and I'm sure you've heard this story 10000x before so for the tl;dr scroll down to like paragraph 13]

    [CW: menstruation, slurs]

    Hey guys gals and nb pals - just discovered this fourm and it's a bit of a relief. I've been struggling with gender issues basically on and off for my entire life, and only recently have I had enough courage to really stop and analyze my gender identity instead of just brushing it off and avoiding thinking about it too much like I generally do.

    When I was a kid, I knew I wanted to be a boy. But I also thought it was 100% normal for girls to want to be boys because from my point of view boys always had the better end of the deal - better toys, clothes, games, stuff. My mother never forced gender roles on me as a kid, and was pretty happy to let me do my own thing for the most part, but we were very poor and many of our clothes and toys were given to us from charity, so of course, they were very strongly gendered. Despite my mother's attempt at shielding me from gender-based restrictions (to the best of her ability, anyway. She was never quiet about her support of my tomyboishness but oh she just wished that she could dress me up like she did) I still internalized a lot of gender stuff, like you do I guess.

    It wasn't until I started visiting my father in the south that I really got hit full-force with gender restrictive bullshit, and I spent entire summers wishing every day that I was a boy. I was deeply jealous of the way my brother was treated. He got to go work at my grandparents' tire shop, loading old tires onto the trucks with our uncles and father and getting paid (a meager $20 a day, but a fortune to a child.) to do so. When I ask to do the same, I'm met with laughter and scoffs - the first time I heard "that's not girls work."

    They handed me a broom and had me sweep. Then they had my grandmother drive to her house so I could babysit the little ones and help in the garden.

    I hated all of them. I hate all of them still probably. I hated myself. I could live with "being a girl" when "being a girl" didn't really mean much within my family circle, even if I could already read the neon signs of gender conformity in the big wide world. But the only way I could deal with these new gender-resections was to bury myself in books. So that's what I did all day, every day, for almost entire summers at a time. It wasn't until my cousins went back to school and I was still available to help that they finally let me load those stupid fucking trucks, and of course when they did, I worked harder and complained less than all of the boys. Only one of my uncles noticed - the same one who taught me how to shoot a gun. (As much as I detest them, I'm thankful for knowing how to use one.) "twice as hard half the credit" has basically been the story of my life ever since as a DFAB person who seeks out manual labor.

    At the end of each summer, I'd go back home, and the feelings would start to fade as I once again went back to the same routines. Being a pre-teen was as awkward and confusing as it ever was, and watching all my friends around me blossom into womanhood left me with complicated feelings. On the one hand, I liked my androgynous body and I loved it when people misgendered me. (At the time, I explained it as "I get a kick out of seeing them so embarrassed, it makes me laugh!") On the other, I felt completely invisible to my peers around me and I thought maybe if I looked more like a girl and had the body of a girl, I'd have a wider circle of friends and suitors.

    By the time high school came around I'd managed to stay in the same school long enough that I managed to weasel myself into a circle of friends, some of which were queer. This was my first time ever encountering a trans person - a friend who people always assumed we were siblings because we shared the same last name. My own gender thoughts started resurfacing, and for the first time I wondered if I might be trans. I had tried to change my name multiple times as a kid, and some of my experiences fell in line with those my friends described. I began to explore my gender identity - albeit in pretty dangerous and unhealthy ways. (the ol binding with whatever-bullshit-you-can-find-around-the-house-that-your-mother-wont-notice-is-missing routine.)

    A friend approached me, not long into my exploration, and explained that my actions were hurting our friend who was struggling with his own trans feelings. He had been struggling with this for years, and had dealt with all the hate and shittiness that comes with trying to come out to deeply religious parents. His gender feelings and struggles were valid - I was just playing around. Stop it.

    So of course, I did.

    I reworked female to fit my feelings. I started to own words that had been used to insult me my whole life like "mangirl". I described myself as "A chick with penis envy." When my male friends grew beards, I expressed envy - I wanted a beard so bad I'd grown envious of women born with them naturally. I'm a naturally very hairy woman, and the little peach fuzz mustache just left me wanting more. But I stopped exploring the idea that I might be trans all together. That applied to other people, not me. I could be supportive of my friends and be a great ally, but that is all that I would ever be.

    I got married at a really young age to someone who lived 3k miles away from everyone I ever knew. I didn't know a single person at my wedding, except my husband, and even that ... It's a different story that I don't really want to get into. But skip ahead to getting out of that terrible situation, I moved another few hundred miles away from home to live with a friend I'd met at a convention, and it was an entirely different world. I went from living with a 4-chan-troll-MRA shutin to living in a house of feminists, trans, and genderqueer people. I was the only cis person there (aside from the kid, who no longer identifies that way.)

    I loved it. It was the happiest time in my life. I never felt more accepted or loved, and I even managed to find a job that I mostly enjoyed. One of my friends told me that they were genderqueer and this was my first time encountering the idea of non-binary genders outside of the deeply-hateful bubble I had lived in for two years before. I internalized a lot - a LOOOOOTTTTTTTT - of toxic bullshit in that time period, and it took a long time to deconstruct the shitty opinions that left me with, but this was the first time I considered that maybe it wasn't just some attention-seeking crud.

    But still, it always was something that could apply to other people, never myself. While living in this house I remember briefly asking myself if I could be non-binary maybe, but having just come out of an abusive relationship I was not ready to start down that path of self-exploration and I brushed it off; "no, duh, you're a girl, you've gone over this before remember you picked your side. that's something that other people might be but not I." (I struggled with similar feelings re: bisexuality. I boned a lot of girls before I would admit to myself I was even queer.)

    SCROLL DOWN TO HERE FOR THE RECENT/RELEVANT STUFF I GUESS?

    So I guess ever since then, I've had waxing and waning feelings and wonderings if I might be trans and/or non-binary. I have once again, started exploring gender and working female in a way to fit me. I stopped shaving my body hair, and became frustrated when only half my legs got hairy. I started wearing a binder, even though most days I don't mind my breasts. I even changed my name because I hated the deeply feminine name I was born with - but this whole time I have been resistant to understanding myself as trans or nonbinary.

    When I changed my name, many friends and family asked if it meant I was trans. (my brother, the asshole that he is; "Does that name come with a dick?" Fuck you shitwart, I wish.) I told them no, and didn't want to think about it much myself.

    I feel like it's a game of give-a-mouse-a-cookie, but with gender. If I decide that I'm nonbinary/trans, that will probably make want to transition, and that idea is terrifying. I do not think I am strong enough to have to justify my existence to people. I have grown very comfortable in my privilege and relative invisibility. I would be/am torn between wanting all of these things that transition would provide, and valuing my ability to navigate the world mostly unnoticed. I hate drawing attention to myself. I wear scarves to cover my chest tattoos so people won't talk to me. I hide my hair under a hat so people won't comment on it. I worry transitioning would strip me of that entirely.

    But if I don't am I going to be having this existential crisis every few weeks? years? The feelings are always worse before/during menstruation, but looking back over the years it seems like these feelings have come and gone for long periods of time, surfacing for awhile to torment me until I can ignore it for long enough again for it to come back up. I changed my name a year ago, wondering if that was the source of my discomfort and if a new name would change it. It helped, but if anything it only highlighted other discomfort and has made me much more aware of it.

    I suffer from depression and anxiety, but hate seeing doctors and have never seen a therapist. I wonder if these feelings are just a manifestation of that ... but no, even when I'm relatively content, the desires are still there.

    I don't know why I wrote a book for you guys. I'm sorry for dumping my gender manifesto here. It's taken me 3 days to write. More and more I think I want to transition, but I wonder if the internal peace it would give me would be worth the struggle I would face from outside sources. I've managed to ignore it before and it's certainly the path of least resistance. I guess the root of this entire fucking post just comes down to I am probably trans and I feel like a faker and I am fucking terrified. How do you deal with these feelings.
     
    #1 Saminthenile, Mar 13, 2017
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  2. StormyVale

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    Okay so I read most of your "manifesto of gender" and considering I identify as one of those nonbinary genders I wish to give you some advice to help you figure this all out based on other posts I have seen.

    Think about your gender this way... have there ever been days where you feel female? or have you only ever felt male?

    If tomorrow you were to wake up in a male body, would you be perfectly content to live that way for the rest of your life?

    Can you live with being female the rest of your life? Would you be more comfortable living as a man for the rest of your life? Or perhaps identifying with another gender that is not male or female?

    For me I am both male and female. When I asked similar questions of myself, I knew that if i identified as one or the other I would not be happy. And that is what you have to ask yourself... what will make you happiest?

    Also your brother is mean for saying such a thing, although that is such a brotherly thing to say lol.
     
  3. Worker Bee

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    Hey there. I also wanted to be a boy when I was young because they got to have fun and the clothes etc I was considered a tomboy.

    I have finally realised that I simply don't have a gender. I was born into a female body however I simply don't identify with a gender. Even though I love mens clothes etc I am not trans, I could never have male genitalia.

    Do you actually identify with any gender?
     
  4. Saminthenile

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    When I ask myself these questions and they're followed with honest answers, it's always followed by a flood of self-doubt and fear. I've always known I'd be perfectly content, happy even, in a male body. But I've managed to live more or less ok as a female thus far, and I wonder if it's easiest to just ... keep doing that. I've always felt a resigned acceptance toward my gender. But what's easy might not nessicarily make me happy, if I keep finding myself having days where I can't think about anything else.

    It feels like there have been long periods of my life where I felt male, long periods of my life where I felt female, and some periods where I felt neither, a mix of both, or just confusion (like now.) Even times where I "feel female" however, I still feel a desire to possess masculine traits. Maybe that wasn't even feeling female maybe that's just another weird logic loop I've created to justify my feelings of not "enough". It felt good, when I finally got to the point where I was a conventionally attractive girl, but I guess it felt good in the sense that I felt attractive to myself, even if it didn't nessicarily feel like myself entirely.

    My brother is a huge asshole and will absolutely dig for any insult he thinks will hurt. My gender has always been an easy target for him. Part of me worries that if I start HRT I'll look like him ahahaha

    ---------- Post added 13th Mar 2017 at 09:52 PM ----------

    I've always identified as female, but that's mostly just because it's the default, and I've been afraid to seriously question that on any sort of deep level. It has always felt safer to keep some feelings cloudy and ambiguous. Mostly the same reason I still identified as "straight" even while actively purusing and boning other girls.... >___> I've always put queerness on this tall pedestal that other people are entitled to but I am always unable to reach. I spent a long time considering myself not queer enough.
     
    #4 Saminthenile, Mar 13, 2017
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  5. EverDeer

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    Honestly, if you're looking for others who are in their "right mind" to be skeptical of you or perhaps pick apart some parts of your life history here to find the one piece of inconsistent information that screams "aha! You're not trans!" I don't think you're going to find it. Maybe in the real world where random people will rightfully judge you without knowing shit, but honestly from all the things you've described you most definitely sound at the very least not-cis.

    There's no prerequisite to being trans. You described feeling deep intrinsic longing for male belonging / bonding socially, a desire for male genitalia and facial hair.... I don't know you well enough to judge if you're nonbinary or a trans man, but I consider myself a nonbinary boy and I don't even desire facial hair or a dick (it's really all kind of relative though, I just thought I'd offer my own experience since you seem a bit caught up in if you're 'doing this right' or not)

    It just sounds to me like you're not giving yourself enough credit for how self aware you actually are, and also that you just simply haven't experienced so much agonizingly-painful dysphoria that you've felt the "need" to transition. Let me just tell you, there are trans people, binary or not, who didn't hate their bodies before transition but still chose to transition because they knew it would make them even happier. And there are trans people who even choose not to transition physically because they don't have physical dysphoria! Like, personally, I think I would look great with a flat chest, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to ever consider top surgery (even if I had the money) and I don't feel inadequate about my down-there area either.

    As for the later reply about "not being queer enough" and still identifying as straight despite having homosexual relationships.... trust me, I was the same way for quite a few years, and sometimes the feelings still come and go. I've always seen other trans/nb people as "more trans" than myself and I definitely still regularly practice dissociating from my true feelings just because I would rather just remain "okay" with myself / in my relationships than risk ruining anything to be even better. But eventually I think you have to decide what matters more before your life is up...

    Queerness and gender isn't this magical, spiritual, enlightened pedastal only for those who are deemed the Most At One With Thyself by the androgyny fairy who gives them a stamp of approval for transition. It's emotional turmoil and laying in bed all day because you'd rather do that than put on "girl clothes", or cringing every time someone reminds you just how much of a "girl" you really are, or sometimes it's even just carrying on through life constantly distracting yourself from the apathy and the piece you feel is "missing" when people look at you or when you look at yourself. We all do it, and it's okay if you do too, no ones going to tell you you aren't enough.
     
  6. Mihael

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    Oh wow that's a lot of things. Wait. I'll be back. It might take mea couple of daus to strip off everything, because university. But first off I'm going to say that I will question a lot of your thoughts, but in no way do I intent to pressure you to identify in any way or to transition, not do it, or express yourself in any way (unless it's unsafe).
     
  7. Mihael

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    Or actually not, I read into it all in detail and please ignore the first post.
     
  8. Mihael

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    When skimming through it, I thought your experiences with sexism and your tomboyism combined made you feel as if you either are a feminine woman or a masculine man. But the after reading carefully you don't make such an impression. Sorry for it.

    Why do you think that identifying as trans would make you want to transition? Do you want to transition? I'm saying it because I identify as trans and don't want to, so that exists.

    The menstruation thing might be PMS and hence low mood. I experience it too. Everything seems worse just before.

    You yourself say that even if you're content, the desires are still there. So it's not resulting from depression or anxiety. Such feelings contribute to bad mood if anything.

    I also read books for years, because it seemed like the only way out. Really.

    What strikes me as the sense of your post is the question of if you want to transition. About that, basically what Kipper said. You don't need to experience soooo much pain for transitioning to make you happier. I mean... I don't mean to press you in any direction.

    I was first like... yaaaay transitioning, and the more I learnt about it, the less I wanted it. So my advice in here is... allow yourself to experience it, do your reasearch, prepare, and see if you still like the idea.
     
  9. Saminthenile

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    The thought of transitioning leaves me feeling really confused and unsure because I'm torn. If it weren't for the way society views people "outside the norm", then yes, absolutely, in a hot spicy minute. If I thought I could operate in the world with ease as my "ideal" self, I would.

    But existing that way brings it's own set of challenges I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with.

    I guess the hesitancy to identify as something other as Cis would mean I have to admit to myself that deep down I do want to transition, and that's a hard thing. Even now I'm sweaty and nauseous and shaky and scared thinking about it. But the more I learn about transition, the more I think I would actually be ok with it. All of the side effects would either be tolerable or desirable to me, (aside from balding & 2nd puberty, I guess, but that doesn't run on my pa's side? We're a hairy people.) but I have zero desire to change or remove my breasts (most days) and that makes people confused, and confusion makes people hostile. All of the negative feelings I have surrounding transitioning have to deal with how other people will treat and view me. Which is a shitty way to live, I guess, but 25 years and I'm still not sure how to get over it.

    So yeah, idk if it's easier to be comfortable with myself and confrontational with the world or if it's easier to be confrontational with myself and comfortable in the world.

    ---------- Post added 14th Mar 2017 at 10:14 AM ----------

    I love this passage ahaha thank you for that, really.

    I don't feel like I know myself well enough to know if I'm nb or a transman. When I hang out with my transmasc friends, I feel myself wanting what they have, much like I did when I was in middle school and I wanted the same blossoming puberty that all my friends got years and years before I did. But I've spent so much of my life going "no i'm a girl" it's hard for me to distinguish if it's an actual part of my identity or just what I was conditioned to think and feel.
     
  10. Saminthenile

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    Here's a link to some art I did trying to work out what my ideal body would be like. My breasts are exaggerated quite a but obv, but they are enough to be noticeable. NSFW warning for genetalia: https://ibb.co/jBECfa
     
    #10 Saminthenile, Mar 14, 2017
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  11. EverDeer

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    I'm not you, but here's the last thing I think I can offer from my own experience as well: if you have to spend more of your life and personal time and energy convincing yourself of something that you're not, more than you spend actually living being yourself or accepting yourself, I think that could be a big pointer that you're actually not that thing you're trying to convince yourself of, because if you really were, you would become accustomed to it and eventually end up accepting yourself as such without having negative feelings as a result. (Or even if you did have negative feelings, you would still feel at peace with and content with yourself, like in the case of being mentally ill, I don't hate myself for having bad feelings I can't control even if I do still have them because I no longer have to convince myself to "just be like everybody else")
     
  12. Saminthenile

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    That makes a lot of sense. It's a long hard road to self-acceptance I guess.
     
  13. TransParkie

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    Ok, I'm going to interject my thoughts and/or questions in red between your paragraphs..
    Although I'm 57, it took me Over 50 years to come to terms with myself over "who" & "what" I was... I applaud you:eusa_clap for doing/searching for something I could not have done at your age... The impression I get from reading your posts is that. You dear? Started your "transitioning" a long time ago... (again, I'll point these little things out highlighting them as I go...), but when taken as a whole?? screams transition to me....

    Let me just say... that after coming out 100% to my dear wife?? I finally felt like I had the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders... and it allowed me to see everything crystal clear as to the path I needed to follow... in fact my wife says that she has never seen me so happy.....



     
    #13 TransParkie, Mar 15, 2017
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  14. Saminthenile

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    Thank you for your extensive analaysis and comments, TransParkie (not sure how to tag people here?) I'll break down some of my response and feelings that I've been chewing over the past few hours since reading your reply.


    It's true, I've always just sort of transitioned in my own tiny ways throughout my life, but that might be part of what makes it so hard for me to accept a trans identity for myself, because I've managed to just do these little things for so long and still blend in so why cant I just keep doing that. "Just keep doing that" is what is expected of me, or at least, what I feel society expects from me anyway, so I guess it's just hard to break through that pressure for yourself. [/quote]

    I'd fight 10,000 flaming transphobic assholes for every one of my friends but when it comes to myself I can't do shit.

    Even not at home - I'd get mistaken for a boy more often in the south than at home because I was already such a tomboy. I remember one specific occurrence, when we went to load the tire trucks at a Walmart in the city, I got COVERED in black gunk. So, this little beanpole kid in cutoffs and a tank top covered in black tire shit ambling toward the women's bathroom to clean up ... I got stopped, and I was thrilled.

    I suspect (or assumed?) the only our friend said something to me was because they'd spoken with our friend and he'd expressed his discomfort with my own exploration. He was, is, maybe, very uncomfortable and confused about themselves at the time. THE IRONY IN ALL OF THIS is that the friend that "called me out" has since come out as non-binary and use they/them pronouns, so now I wonder if my exploration wasn't making them uncomfortable actually. I don't know. It was high school. High school was stupid. This was a year after another group of friends tackled me and forcibly plucked my unibrow. :icon_lol:

    I constantly hold myself to different standards than I do other people. I also took a really long time to come around to the idea that I might deal with a variety of mental issues but even then it has taken EVEN LONGER to come around to the idea that maybe I should get help and that I shouldn't just expect myself to power through it with no outside help. (I emailed a therapist yesterday, baby steps...)

    I guess I just feel a lot of uncertainty surrounding whether I feel like a Man, or something in between. I know I want to transition to a more masculine appearance now, I guess. In the long run, it might even be easier/safer to try to "pass" as male in situations that call for it.

    God, I'm really not looking forward to all the "told you so" and "i knew it" cisassholes that are going to come crawling out of the woodwork. (I feel less hostile if it comes from a trans friend tho. Same I guess as I feel about non-tattooed strangers trying to comment on my tattoos vs. other inked peeps.) I think I need to be open and honest with my partner, first and foremost, and I'm sure he'll be endlessly supportive. (He already has been - we joked that this was the Christmas of genderweed - bought me boxers, mens hoodies, a fucking 3 piece suit (it was cheap bc I fit into the boys section ahahahahsob), and a bunch of paraphanelia.) I'm also a little terrified of coming out to him though because he's loving, and supportive, but talking to him about serious feelings is like talking to a rock. He just ... doesn't say anything. And then says he's thinking when called out on not saying anything. Then he just doesn't say anything and goes back to whatever, or makes a minimal comment and avoids the conversation. I love him, we never fight and he's a great partner in crime, but when it comes to deep emotional topics he's a brick fucking wall. So this is going to be hard.

    Fuck, chances are he knows already. He called me gender-ambidextrous the other day half-jokingly. (Because I never noticed the difference between men's and womens zippers, I wear hoodies for both genders.)

    Thanks again. Making things that are already kind of obvious really glaringly you-cant-keep-ignoring-it-obvious is sometimes what we need I guess? (&&&)
     
  15. Cailan

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    I'm afab bi-gender, male and female, and very much like you, but I fall more on the feminine side for final appearance. I'm starting testosterone in May, with a final goal something like your drawing, except more on the feminine side. I want boobs AND a dick. I want to be recognized as female, but also be male. Right now my boobs are G-cups, so they're really unbindable. I'm getting breast reduction surgery, so I can still have girl boobs for my female side and small enough so I can bind them for my male side. I have naturally straight male hips, for which I plan to buy padded underwear to gain female hips when necessary.

    The great thing about being non-binary is you can just do what's right for you. There are no expectations. No rules. Yeah, the MtF community drives me a bit nuts with its unwritten but highly enforced transition rules. Sometimes they're worse than the cis community, and the NB erasure thing is widespread (with apologies to the reasonable MtFs I've met in this forum). We in the NB community are a lot less demanding of conformity.
     
  16. Saminthenile

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    Thank you for the comment! It's really really nice hearing from someone who has the same desires as I do - to both have a penis and breasts. I've met other NB people, and I'm friends with quite a few, but none of them have expressed that particular desire which I have been struggling with for awhile. (to the tune of pick one pick one pick one pick one. Which is dumb. I don't want to pick.)

    It's really cool that you're starting transition hormones soon, I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough to pursue it. I want to, I think. But I'm scared and the current political climate doesn't make me any less terrified.

    Can I ask how you settled on bi-gender? I am finding myself today going back and forth between bi-gender and androgyne - not really sure where the difference is between or how to identify the difference within myself. It seems like the MORE I learn about gender, the LESS I understand it in relation to my own sense of self. There are some days where I feel more heavily masc, some days that I feel more heavily femme (though rare these days. Still not sure if the femme periods of my life were truly femme or if I was just comfortable with a resigned acceptance in my designated gender?) and most days where I feel like a little bit of both or neither. I'm not sure what the difference is, within me, of being between both or neither. It's all so very confusing.

    Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chitchat a bit - always nice to talk to someone who experience similar things? Thanks again for the comment, it's really good to hear.
     
  17. Rainbow Lantern

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Even though it seems like some things have already been addressed and I don't think I really have advice I just wanted to join in on this thread (also I get the needing to write down EVERYTHING to sort thoughts out:slight_smile:. At my elementary school I was infamous for writing too much - and it doesn't help that I have really messy handwriting; my poor teachers).

    Anyways, I understand all the confusion trying to figure out your gender. I've spent a lot of time lately being confused and frustrated myself - especially because once I started questioning my sexuality I figured it out in, like, a weekend or something. I flip flop a lot in where I think I am and constantly doubt myself and think I am lying to myself. Sometimes I seem fine being female, others I've felt more like a man. I've always been more masculine and tried to fit in with the guys but hung out with girls too. I also usually use the masculine form of words when talking about myself (excluding pronouns) like cowboy, king, dude, that type of word I mean. I tried posting here a couple of times about it but it didn't really help (maybe because I can't always understand or express myself very clearly). I like to try out pronouns in my head and see which I'm most comfortable with and I'm not sure if I want change my name.

    Like you, I'm okay with my boobs most of the time. But with the "other" parts I'm not sure (I'm actually packing right now). To try and help me figure out what I feel I've also been trying to sometimes look more flat-chested, pack, and draw in thick eyebrows (when I'm alone at my house anyways). I also cut my hair short and now wear exclusively (or almost exclusively) guys clothes. I feel a lot happier expressing myself this way.

    I also like being "misgendered" like you said and think it's funny sometimes. It's usually only elderly people that misgender me though. One man straight up asked me if I was a boy :lol:. I just waited for my mom to answer because I haven't told her about my questioning but I didn't want to feel like I was lying.

    I don't know. At this point I don't really think I am cis.

    Sorry for coming back to this post after hours but I just felt like sorting out my thoughts and in a long-winded way try to show you that you are not alone and we're all with you. Perhaps you might also get some ideas from reading about a few of my experiences but then again what am I even talking about. Sorry for rambling and wasting time.

    Oh and as someone who also has depression, anxiety, and some other stuff (I don't know because I haven't had a formal diagnosis and there are things I should but don't tell my therapist...) I've being seeing a therapist and honestly I do think it's helping me little by little. I mean, it does depend on the therapist and since you live in America I guess you would have to pay (a lot?) for therapy and that sucks. But depending on how bad it is, it can be really hard to deal with without help or at least talking to someone else, especially if it starts to get worse. A gender therapist may help too (but I mean I don't know because I've never seen one).

    Anyways, I hope you are able to figure everything out! And sorry again for wasting your time if you take the time to read this and for probably rambling on too much... When I'm better rested I'm probably going to regret this because anxiety.

    Hope you have a good day :slight_smile:!
     
  18. Saminthenile

    Regular Member

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    Don't regret posting it because believe me I'm still refreshing every few hours for new replies lololol. I'm not going to be up long enough for an in depth reply but I wanted to say that much! (&&&)
     
  19. Cailan

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm actually pretty binary, for a non-binary. My girl is a girly girl, and my guy is a dude-bro. I love everything distinctly gendered and generally hate anything non-gendered. There is no middle ground for me. That made it pretty clear I'm bi-gender, not androgynous or genderfluid or anything else.

    I had no idea what I was for a very long time. I only figured it out in January. I really didn't know anything about non-binary, and I was getting . One morning (Jan 3 to be exact, at 4:30 a.m.) I woke up and my male side was screaming at me to please, please acknowledge him. In a bit of a stunned haze I googled "dual gender" to see it it was possible. That led me to bi-gender, and when read the description it fit like a glove. My guy and my girl are pretty well defined, though there is always that bit in the middle that's muddled - I guess stuff that could be both or either.

    After asking around, I come off as female with a male attitude. Not really androgynous. Like someone put a guy's personality in a woman's body and left it there to stew, but left behind the girl's personality too. I don't want to give up my boobs or my vagina, wearing skirts and sparkly things. I nearly cried when I found out it's actually possible, relatively simple even, for an afab to gain a penis and still keep my vagina.

    Usually both sides are present and "with me" all the time, but sometimes the girl comes out and takes over my personality in certain contexts, like shopping with my daughter or preparing for a formal event. Occasionally my guy wants control of my body - he hates it when I wear pink or anything too femme (I know this because dysphoria), so even my female presentation is a bit neutral colorish. And did I mention he wants a penis? Really, really wants one. It is my main source of dysphoria now.
     
    #19 Cailan, Mar 17, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2017
  20. Rainbow Lantern

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Space Sector 2814
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Lol I do that too. :lol:
     
    #20 Rainbow Lantern, Mar 17, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2017