Hi, I really don't like making posts, but I have all these thoughts I could really use some other people's perspective on. I've been out and split from my ex for over a year and a half now, and have not made much progress at all. She has dated, and currently has a boyfriend she has been seeing steady for a while. I seem to be stuck in place tho because of my insecurities. My biggest concerns lie in the fact that my teeth are messed up and I need dental work, but I don't have insurance and I am a single father of 3 working 60+hr weeks just to try and keep my head above water. I feel like nobody is gonna be interested in me because of this (in my view) MAJOR flaw in my appearance. I am very shy already, and I barely talk or I try to cover my mouth when I talk to lessen the chances of someone noticing my mouth. I also have an std, genital herpes to be exact. I've read before that you don't have to divulge all that stuff right away, but I feel if I'm getting to know someone that is be leading them on with a lie (by omission) if I am not upfront about such things from the start. I also work what is essentially a dead-end job. But I like my job and I really don't have any interests that I could turn into a career in which to pursue. I've already had one guy i talked to before who stopped talking to me because he was put off by my lack of desire in pursuing something more lucrative. I feel like all the years I spent repressing my sexuality while younger have left me broken. I had no interest in school, and dropped out. I never developed any sort of career goals or anything like that because growing up I honestly expected I'd never live to see 18 even. Now here I am at 40 and without any direction in life. My only purpose has been in doing what I can to just take care of my kids. My big question is how much do these things mean to someone when trying to start dating, or even just getting close to another person? I have no confidence, no self esteem, and not a person in this world that I can consider a friend. And I find myself exposing all of my shortcomings fairly quickly, because it is easier to just have someone toss me aside early on, rather than to wait have them do it when I may have started to feel anything for them. I know I have some enviable qualities. I'm a very dedicated worker, i have a very relaxed personality, I have a very twisted (but all in fun) sense of humor........but I still feel no good qualities I have will outweigh the flaws in my life. I feel like I cannot even begin to try getting close to someone until I can at least get dental work done. And that won't be for probably several more years. But then what do I do if come then, there is too much bone erosion and there's nothing that *can* be done? Should I just get accustomed to being alone? I feel completely screwed.
You mention a lot in your post and all points are worth addressing no doubt; and its great that you found the courage to post it all. I encourage you to continue to post and share your experiences, as I believe it may help you towards achieving your goals (and realizing you do not need to be alone). I do want to focus on the points I highlighted above - repression of your sexuality, lack of confidence and no self esteem. I believe these are at the core of what you need to focus on in order to fully embrace yourself and achieve happiness. As you have been reading on EC, sexual repression caused by shame and internalized homophobia has a massive impact on self esteem and confidence. And when your self esteem and confidence is diminished it tends to distort how you perceive yourself. Before you worry about being alone, I would suggest you first focus on learning to love yourself and being with yourself as you are. By coming to terms with the shame that caused you to first repress your sexuality, you can realize how wonderful of a person you are. It will take a lot of work, but if your focused on it, the rewards are plentiful. In conjunction with EC, if your able to secure some time with a trained LGBT therapist, I highly recommend doing so. Please start to post more, engage with others, learn whom you are deep down and allow yourself the chance to heal.
Just had my ex text me and ask me if I ever miss her. I spoke honestly and told her no, which must be 1,000 miles away from what she wanted/hoped to hear. But this proves just another point that I have issues with. I feel emotionally broken. My dad passed 5 years ago, and I can count the times on one hand that I've cried about it, or really had any kind of deep regretful feeling about it. The ex and I split 18+ months ago, and my stepdad died a little over a month ago, and none of these life changing events have seemed to truly hurt me. I have begun to wonder if this may make me a sociopath. The one good thing that has come from all this, I guess, is that I'm extremely self-sufficient. I think this also speaks to the fact of me feeling so emotionally detached to things. I have mentioned on here in the past that I deal with borderline personalization disorder. I really don't know where I'm going with this, and as I said I don't like to post because it makes me feel whiny or self-indulgent, I just really need outside perspective on this stuff. It just seems like every issue in life is somehow jumbled up in all the others like for every hurdle I clear, there are two more lying in wait. I just cannot figure how to begin all this. I'm cripplingly shy and it is very hard to get close to me. And because of how I work and the responsibilities I have as a single father, the idea of meeting someone seems impossible. Again, sorry to ramble. This stuff has just been eating at me for a while.
You've mentioned a lot of things that sound like matters you might seek professional help for. Perhaps that would be a good place to start addressing the points you've raised.
Regardless of what you’re going through, or how extreme your pain feels right now, your life is not now nor was it ever a mess … it’s your thinking that makes it feel that way. You’re on a path and everything you’re going through has purpose — it’s not happening “to” you, it’s happening FOR you. Pay attention and look for the lessons this time in your life is offering to you. Take this opportunity to GROW through it, not merely go through it. And, don’t forget to breathe!
I can't help but find it amusing in a way that "being gay" doesn't even feel like much of an issue anymore. Now, it seems more about just trying to fulfill a core, basic need. I stated before one time that I had one hookup since being split from ex. Granted that was not what I really wanted my first real time with a guy to be, but I was inebriated some and figured "what the hell". I worried so long about if I would feel shame if I ever acted on those feelings, and was somewhat surprised at just little it bothered me. I probably could stand to see a therapist or something, but I have no health insurance, going in the hole each month already, and it is just one more thing on this very long list. And for what it is worth, I do appreciate any replies and time spent in reading this. I don't always have the clearest, most coherent train of thoughts.
Obviously, you have a lot on your plate. As far as herpes is concerned, I recently had a "scare" and went so far as to have my blood tested. In the week I waited for the result (which was negative) I went through an emotional crisis, becoming severely depressed and believing that life as I knew it was over. In researching herpes on the internet, I discovered the following resource, which comprehensively describes the medical aspects of the virus and also has some very valuable advice for dealing with the relationship aspects: http://www.herpes.org.nz/files/5913/9960/3989/Herpes-The-Guide.pdf I would urge anyone who is sexually active to read it. Most of us, I think, have only the haziest notions of what herpes is and what the implications are of contracting it. Interestingly, I have never once had someone disclose to me that he/she had herpes; disclosure of HIV-positive status, on the other hand, is becoming ever more common.
Thank you. I feel like I could move my life forward in some way if only I knew how others would react to my teeth being messed up, and the std thing. I think mainly I am afraid of opening myself up to meeting anyone new because I fear they will simply reject me based solely on those two things. So I stay stuck in this sort of limbo, where I'm dying to move on, and yet feel there's no way for me to do so.
As far as considering yourself to be a sociopath, I think it's probably not the case. I myself can be very unsympathetic...but it's important to consider why. For me, the people I don't sympathize with are the people who rejected and hurt me. When I'm crabbier, I sometimes have a distorted view of others ("they probably just pretending to like me", etc) and sympathizing becomes difficult. Nobody is perfect. But I promise that people who aren't douchebags don't want to be with perfect people anyway. When it comes to being attractive, personality is the most important. That being said, It might help you to gain self-confidence by finding a hobby of some sort, no matter how obscure it is. This year, I couldn't join Science Olympiad, but I filled that gap with getting a better singing teacher, rearrangging the house, and staying after school to chat while doing homework. Before, I could pride myself with remembering 100 species of bugs and eating frozen yogurt in Nebraska during Scioly nationals. Now, I can pride myself in having 3 octaves in my singing range and having a smoother, richer, and more confident voice. (I recommend to try singing. You don't need to have a teacher if it's just a hobby, so it's pretty cheap to do. And it's fun!)
One of the worst things you can do is overthink things, which I believe is exactly what you are doing. We focus on our flows so much and others don't really notice the way we perceive that they do. . Concentrate of your positive assets, on the things that make you unique and wonderful. I'm sure you have many wonderful qualities. The fact that you are such a devoted father is one of them. Do you know how many bad parents there are out there? That"s just not a given. Also, genital herpes is not the horrible disease that people once thought it was. I think like one in five people have the virus, whether or not they have symptoms. I think that if someone wants to be with you, I really doubt it would be a deal breaker and if it was....well, that probably wasn't the one for you. Relax, there are worse things than being alone, but you certainly aren't predestined to be alone forever.
