1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How to help my father accept his sexuality?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DrummerGirl2000, Mar 8, 2017.

  1. DrummerGirl2000

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    So my dad (single, 48, divorced for 14 years) hasn't ever come out to me, or anyone, and I'm not sure if he's bisexual or homosexual or other, but I know that he is attracted to males based on the following evidence:

    - My mom has confided in me that he has had sex with males in the past, and that she would've wanted to know that he was bisexual before she married him. (He's never actually claimed bisexuality though) and has suggested that this contributed to the failure of the marriage.

    - When I first came out to my mom (before going back in the closet for a few years) she threw the insult at me "Go be a ******** queer with your father then!"

    - I brought this up to him and asked if it was true or why she would say that ( I was around 11) and he responded with " I've entertained the thought before" but didn't say anything more since then, and I haven't asked.

    - He sometimes comments on the attractiveness of males. Ex: " Oh, he's such a cutie"

    - He claimed once that "gay guys are sluts" in a way that seemed to reflect personal experience and conveyed negativity about it

    - He makes fun of gay males, or rather stereotypes of them by imitating the flamboyant voice. He also calls all gay men fags. Which I know isn't offensive to all gay guys, but he goes out of his way to refer to our gay neighbors as fags often and it is the only term he uses when referring to them. I don't like it, and I've expressed this but, it's just the way he is right now about it; he's totally fine with me liking girls and sometimes teases me about it ( I play along) so I know that he isn't opposed to homosexuality on a fundamental level, but I definitely think that there is some internalized homophobia.

    He doesn't date and has given up on the idea of love and even of finding a female "friend with benefits" because they get hurt in the end. I wouldn't mind or judge this fact if he was generally happy, but he's not. He's pessimistic and lonely and I'm with him half of the time but he needs more than just me, work, and his one friend he sees on a semi-regular basis. I love him and it makes me sad that he has given up and I would like to help him accept himself if that is an appropriate thing to do. I really feel like he could benefit from going on a few dates with guys, and I can totally see him ending up happy with the right man. Honestly, I would be completely thrilled if he brought a guy home to meet me, but that is never going to happen until he accepts himself.

    Do you have any ideas on what I could do to help him? Or any ideas on what I should avoid? I definitely don't want to hurt him by going about it the wrong way.

    Thanks!
     
  2. dyl pickle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2016
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    24
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Definitely don't be harsh or abrasive at any point. Be calm and respect his boundaries, and know that it will most likely take some time. I think first off remind him you love him no matter what. Another thing that may help is the next time he calls your neighbours fags, ask him why he does that. I think here and there just discussing these topics and slowly expanding upon them will help. Eventually, if you feel he is comfortable (be sure that he is), try and sit down and seriously discuss his own self with him.

    Sorry that I can't be of much more help, but remember not to get impatient or anything and I'm sure it'll be okay in the end. <3
     
  3. DrummerGirl2000

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    Thank you for the response dyl pickle, I think you're right about slowly bringing these things up. It will happen in time and I don't need to overcomplicate it
     
  4. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey DrummerGirl2000,

    I would simply ask why you care and why you think his sexuality is any of your business. Our sexuality is a very personal and private thing. Confronting someone about their sexuality is almost always a negative thing for that reason.

    And, in the longrun, what difference does it make to you? He's your father, so what difference does his sexuality make to you? Honestly, DrummerGirl2000, whether he is straight, a Bi guy like myself or a gay guy living in a covered life because of homophia in his experience growing up, how does that change any reality for you?

    Take me at my word. It's none of your business, regardless. If he wants to tell you, that's his business.

    Let sleeping dogs lie. Trying to force someone to tell you something as personal and private as their sexuality will almost certainly backfire. He will tell you. If/when he is ready to do and comfortable with telling you.

    AND if/when he might Come Out to you as Bi or gay, the best you can do is to simply be supportive. Just love your Dad for who he is (assuming you love him now) and appreciate him for being himself.

    My 2cents.:slight_smile:
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Mar 13, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2017
  5. DrummerGirl2000

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    Quantumreality:
    Maybe it isn't any of my business. I care because I want him to be happy and accept himself and he is not happy. I don't care what his sexuality is, I just what him to be happy and it seems like this has been something in the way of his happiness and self-acceptance as an individual.

    It's not important that he tell me his sexuality. It is important to me that he accept himself and love himself whether that be his sexuality or any other aspect of himself. I do love him and I do appreciate him, and I'm not going to lie I'm a bit offended at the implication that I don't or that it is wrong for me to feel this way.

    It's not about my reality. I'm not going to have to live with him in a few years, I'm probably going to college far away. It's not about what difference it makes to me. It is about what difference it makes to him and if I have the potential to have a positive impact on his life somehow by being here for him and by possibly helping him to accept himself for whoever he is, because it seems pretty apparent that that is not what he is doing now.

    I want more for him than to be a gay guy living a covered life. Because I love him and appreciate him as a person and he deserves more. It would be one thing if he was happy, but he's not. I'm not attempting to intrude on this very personal aspect of his life; only do anything that I can to contribute to his happiness and I think helping him to accept himself is a way to contribute to his happiness and help him overcome an obstacle in the way just like anything else.
     
  6. TBD

    TBD
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2017
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco Bay Area
    DrummerGirl2000, you're an adorable daughter, and if I could, I'd give you a non-creepy hug. I'm touched by your care for your dad. You're an angel. Period.

    It's hard to know what his views are about homosexuality are, what he's done to un-gay himself, and how he has otherwise managed the internal conflict. Remember, for decades, they blamed it on an overbearing mother and absent father. There's no telling how numb he may be.

    You can always just share your journey and your research. "Hey, isn't all this epigenetic research fascinating? Kind of sad that so many gay people are misunderstood." etc. You could talk about the suicide statistics, the health gap, etc.

    In the middle of my own epic mess, I am not yet out to my adult son. I know he loves me, and we're pretty good pals, often talking for nearly two hours a week, but if he were to have confronted me prior to a year ago, I probably would have been evasive because I want my wife and I to be on the same page when I inform him.

    I don't know where he lives, but Ohio may not have a lot of LGBT resources. Keep the door of communications open, and just be your loving self. Maybe someday you can give him a sexy jock for Father's Day instead of an ugly tie, but being a loving daughter is the best gift you can give.
     
    #6 TBD, Mar 14, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2017
  7. DrummerGirl2000

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio
    TBD:
    Awww, non-creepy hugs back! :slight_smile: thanks, I needed some validation. And you're right I think I will share some research with him, or at least stand up for homosexual individuals to him in the same way that I would to others. If one of my friends called the neighbors fags (or my dads latest favorite "twinkie town") I would probably go off on them with an intelligent statistical rant, so I'll hold him to the same expectations of acceptance of others, and hopefully, eventually acceptance of himself.

    I would love nothing more than to give him a sexy jock for fathers day lol, you read me perfectly! Thank you for sharing part of your story too, I wish you the best of luck on your journey :slight_smile:
     
  8. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,311
    Likes Received:
    329
    Location:
    Arizona, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey DrummerGirl2000,

    Certainly your intentions are extremely good, but the point I was trying to make is that the journey to understand and accept our sexuality is one each of has to make on our own. You can only be there to offer your unconditional love and support for him.

    However, you can’t force someone to accept their sexuality and my point was simply that if you try to pressure him on this personal and private topic, you run a high risk of pissing him off and alienating yourself from him.

    I think dyl pickle’s idea of trying to have a serious discussion with him about why he calls people ‘fags’ and TBD’s idea of sharing your journey and research to help educate him (if you haven’t previously done so) make sense.

    Just some thoughts.”)
     
  9. Zen fix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2015
    Messages:
    694
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I really appreciate your love for your dad and your empathy for what his situation might be. I think you do have to be careful not to pry or prod. But being there will mean a lot. Making sure he knows you love him no matter what. You can leave the door open for him to be open and honest with you. Sometimes knowing you have one steadfast ally helps people take that first step.