I've talked about suicide a lot. And it was a lot of talk without much happening, I had three or so haphazard attempts (I've lost count, maybe four) but I want tonight to be the night I do it. It won't really be until 12AM because I don't want to die on International Women's Day, I don't want everyone thinking I was just a mentally ill woman after I'm gone. Well, since I'm so ready, it might be earlier. I don't want to threaten it and then not do it this time. If I have so much time to think, I'll back out. I don't want to overdose if it doesn't kill me. I've probably damaged my liver enough already, from my other attempts, so I have to make it count unless I want to die slowly and painfully in forty years. I don't want attention and I don't want anyone to help me. Mostly because I've heard it all before and it doesn't help anyway. I just feel like I should write something and I'm not writing a note to my family, I guess this is the next best thing. My family don't deserve to know, they wouldn't care anyway, nor would most of my ex-friends so I'm not bothering. I've written a list of fourteen people I forgive for what they've done, I don't want them to think it was their fault. Everyone else can think whatever they want. I am writing a little encouragement to each of them but it's not the same as a suicide note. In a way, those fourteen people did influence me a bit. I don't want them to have to be burdened with me and weighed down by me. With my death, they'll be free to grow. It only hurts for a while after someone dies, speaking from experience. And it's no one on EC by the way. No one on EC ever needed to be forgiven because no one here ever wronged me. It's people I knew at school. My mom said she didn't know how I'd survive in the real world. She didn't know why she and my little brother could cope and I couldn't. It probably has something to do with my being trans and her being cis but she'll never know. And she's right. If this is living, I don't want to do it for seventy more years. I couldn't cope but at least she'll always have my brother, since he's so special. But that's all I have to say. There's nothing really inspirational to leave people with, I guess.
Nope, nope nope and nope, dude, just, no. The problems that push you towards the edge of something that looks like a bottomless abyss are temporary. The seventy+ years you still have to live won't look like what you think they are right now. You don't need to take your life, you need to talk with someone who will tell you it's okay. You need emotional support, you don't need to go away. You're not broken because you tripped and fell down before, you're still alive and breathing, and that means you are still in control. There are hotlines, people who you may not think care but they do, even if you don't know them. Heck, EC is full of exactly that kind of people, and we're here for you. Your family may not know you're transgender but they would care if you ended up dead, because nobody can replace you. You're unique, and even if people can't/won't see that, your chances of seeing a bright and happy future are anihilated once you die, but for now they're still there. Just for your own sake, talk with someone. You're not thinking properly, you're not making sense, which is clear, since suicide goes against the fundamental principles of sentient beings (i.e. preservation). I know, because I know that I'm not thinking straight (lol, straight) when I feel the urge to hang myself with my headphone's wires. It's your mind playing nasty tricks on you, darkening the picture for you to forget that there's light, and there is. There is hope. So please, don't do anything. Wait, and talk about it with someone, because your mind right now wants to do it, but that feeling will fade away and you'd regret going through. Even if it's someone here, just focus on having a conversation with someone rather than the thoughts that are governing you right now, and you won't regret it. Please, do it for you.
FluffyLightFox is right!!! I have no idea what you're going through. I don't know anyone here and I'm not great at giving any sort of advice. All this darkness, pain or whatever you are going through is temporary. You are 16 years old!!you have so much time to meet people who will show you how precious you are. There is always light somewhere. Talk to us, talk to whoever you like and will listen and get your thoughts away from doing something so terrible...!! Many things might not interest you now and you might not see hope, but there is. You have the whole world to see yet!! You have so much time to go and travel, and enjoy weird sorts of food you have never eaten before and music to listen to, books to read... These things might seem stupid now, but you need to try, there is hope you only need to try <3 You're not alone<3
If i knew you in real life the i would stay up all night (i'm serious though it will f up my sleeping schedule) to try and talk you out of killing yourself but because i'm not and even though this seems really cliche you genuinely have so much to live for and you might become the first trans leader of the country you live in or you might become A massive megastar just please don't do it because i don't want to find out in the morning that a trans person committed suicide because I am against suicide no matter who it is.
I didn't have enough pills to do it, it was enough to hurt but nowhere near enough to kill anyone. I didn't check how many there were before I posted this but I guess that proves my stupidity. I didn't know if I'd come back because I don't know if I'm still going to do it but I might as well tell people I'm still alive. My relationship with my family, ex-friends and those I forgive is still as shaky as ever and I don't have anything to look forward to so I don't know. I still have all my notes just in case. I mean, I don't have the pills so I can't do anything anyway, I'm just stuck in this sort of limbo. I can't see it getting better, if anything it's gotten worse.
I don't even know you and I would think about what you wrote constantly during the past two days. If you ever need to talk we are all here to listen and help as good as we can. Stay strong!! <3
Spot, I understand what you are going through. However, I have realized something- no matter how broken you feel, there is something you an do about it. This feeling will go away eventually. Depression does get better, and it is absolutely curable. Here is what you should do- 1. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Just search the number on google, you'll find it there. You may not think they care, but they do, and they can give much better advice than I can. 2. Get a therapist. A therapist can help you in many different ways, and may make you feel much better. 3. See a doctor. They can diagnose you and prescribe antidepressants or similar things to help you feel better. Remember, this feeling will go away eventually. Also, you can talk to me, or anyone else on EC, and we will help the best we can.
